An owner's manual for winter
12/17/2002
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"The times, they are a-changin'." When Dylan penned those words back in his pre-Zimmerman days, you can rest assured that he was talking about social injustice or government corruption or some similar subject the hippies used to whine about. But I'd like to apply Bob's little piece of poetry to something a touch more important: The way we red-blooded American men choose to piss away the hibernating months has really changed dramatically since we were youngsters!
A long time ago, in a backyard far, far away, my fondest memories of winter involved repeatedly smashing my head into the tree that mom insisted on planting right in the middle of what was once a great sledding hill. Of course, that situation was soon remedied by my old man and a chain saw, but winter diversions just haven't been the same since.
It might be that fact that we all work our asses off, and recreation time is precious. Or maybe it's just that we've grown tired of sitting on our fat asses watching basketball (okay, maybe the former is closer to reality), but winter has become a recreational extension of summer. As easy as it is to blow our paychecks on warm-weather fun, it's just as easy to find mega-fun diversions when the snow flies.
As usual, we're there for you. The crack Bullz-Eye staff (as opposed to the Bullz-Eye staff on crack) has spanned the globe to bring you the latest and greatest toys for heating up winter faster than a hot tub full of our Featured Models! Break out the wool skivvies and the platinum card, 'cause 'tis the season to get your jollies...
For going downhill fast...
The NeverSummer SL Snowboard
Seems like the only thing made in this country anymore is the cheeseburger. One ass-kicking exception is the 2003 NeverSummer SL. Every board these guys turn out is hand made in their Denver, Colorado factory (where they know a thing or three about snowboarding). That means the entire board, not just the final assembly. Some shadier manufacturers stamp out boards overseas, then apply graphics and inserts over here and call them Made in the USA. Don't be fooled by the stickers -- NeverSummer is the real deal.
The SL series is NeverSummer's most versatile board. Like carving up trails in packed powder? No problem. Dropping into the halfpipe for sick air? The SL can handle that, too. Primarily a freestyle board, the SL has a narrow waist and deep sidecuts, which make it turn faster than your sister at a frat party. It also comes with sweet black graphics with blue flames. Am I the only guy who thought Bam Bam Bigelow's head tattoo was cool?
For going downhill faster...
Head Cyber C 110 Skis
Hey, guess what? Skiing has suddenly become cool again, thanks to Johnny Moseley and some X-Games heroics. Once relegated to the sport of old-timers, new technologies and techniques have brought the sport back from the brink.
Aside from the fact that the name alone is good for two or three laughs a day, these Head Cybers are designed for the intermediate to advanced skier who covers all kinds of terrain. Effortless turns at high speeds are their forte, and the small edge-set angle means you won't have to be yoga-flexible to make 'em work.
For doing it warmly...
The Spyder Alta Jacket
Not too long ago, the "Sporty Spice" look was a subject of much ridicule on the ski slopes. Dudes who showed up in authentic Olympic Team jackets were dorks, and all the cool young snowboarders wore rocking military pants and old hoodies. Fortunately, people came back to their senses and started to appreciate functionality in their outerwear again.
Enter Spyder, founded by a guy named Dave Jacobs when his kids needed quality racing gear and there was none to be found. The company is firmly rooted in racing and competition, supplying the uniforms for the US Ski Team. You can rest assured that anything Spyder makes is tough enough to handle anything you can dish out.
The Alta jacket is unfortunately named for a Utah resort run by Quakers that choose to ban snowboarding and can, therefore, shove all 2,200 acres of that mountain up their asses. Editorial flare-ups aside, this is a damn fine jacket, so don't hold the name against it.
The Alta is completely waterproof and breathable, keeping you toasty and dry in any conditions. It has built-in stretch panels, either for range of motion or for too many chili dogs and brewskies, you choose. And for carrying all the crap you haul to the mountain, the Alta has built-in goggle pockets and a see-through lift-ticket/pass pocket. Oh, and don't forget the most important feature -- zip-off sleeves so you can capture that Eric Estrada look while skiing!
For getting there in style...
The Hummer H2
Okay, I realize this one is a stretch. The snowboard, the skis, the jacket -- all things you could legitimately request as a last-minute Christmas gift. Ask for a pimped-out H2, and you'll likely get more laughs than keys. But if you're going to do something, do it right. There's no better way to cruise through winter in style than in this $50,000 do-it-all sport ute.
As the second generation of this military-inspired vehicle, the H2 is head and shoulders above the old H1 for both style and handling. You can choose from three different trim levels, based on your need for flash: The Base model comes with, well, a CD player or something. It's still the baddest-assed truck on the road, but we're not talking about a Ford Ranger here. If you want to crush commuters in style, go for the Lux model. Chrome accents, heated leather, and even floor mats make this one a Hummer fit for a pimp. If you're more the outdoors type, there's the Adventure model. It comes with brush guards and a tool kit that you'll never be smart enough to use.
The H2, while pricey, is worth every penny. Here's why: If you strap the aforementioned skis to the top of a truck called a Hummer, you've got the makings for hours of hilarious jokes!
For cheap, fast fun...
The PT Blaster
No, seriously. Admit it. You still enjoy sledding, don't you? How many times have you been the lone 30-something among dozens of toddlers at the local hill? As long as you don't get yourself mistaken for the neighborhood kiddie stalker, it can be tons of fun.
Apologies aplenty to Clark W. Griswold, sled technology has come a long way since the days of the little metal saucer. With a name that sounds more like a rum cocktail than a sled, the PT Blaster is just the ticket for downhill dominance. Painted black like the car from Smokey and the Bandit, it looks intimidating just sitting there. Hop on, and the Blaster's three-ski runners and racing-inspired steering wheel zip you to the bottom of the hill while keeping you high enough to clear obstacles, like snow piles and downed children.
Yeah, it has brakes. But what's the point?
For washing it all down...
Wild Turkey Honey Liqueur
If there's one universal truth about winter pursuits, it's that they tend to make you cold and thirsty all at the same time. What better way to kill two birds with one liquid stone than with a little something-something in a bottle?
Enter the good people at Wild Turkey with their brand-spankin' new Honey Liqueur. The recipe is simple: Take a little premium Kentucky straight bourbon, and add just enough all-natural honey to make it a respectable breakfast drink. Smooth like a good bourbon should be, and sweet enough to pour over ice and guzzle. No need to mix it with anything but your liver!
There you have it, fellas. A six-step program that's twice as fun as the 12-steppers you're used to. Print it up, hand it to your significant other and send her shopping. If she comes back batting 17%, you're way ahead of where you were last year!
Check back soon for the Bullz-Eye Winter Road Trip Guide. We'll drop the 4-1-1 on half a dozen hot spots to take your new ill-gotten goodies for an extra-large good time on and off the snow!
Questions/comments? E-mail me at
Mpost@Bullz-Eye.com!