Swingin' for the fences: Softball strategy and gear that will make you better than last year
03/06/2002
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I guess it was inevitable, but I didn't expect it so soon. As I was packing for another weekend of snowboarding in the Laurel Mountains, the phone rang. Against my better judgment, I answered it. (Isn't this, after all, why the good Lord invented answering machines?) I cringed when I heard the voice on the other end: "Hey, man... what's up? You playing softball with us? I think we're going to be pretty tough this year!"
This time, I'm prepared. "No. No way. Not a chance. Hell no. Call someone else. I'm out!" See, it's not that I dislike softball. In fact, it's not only a great game, but it's also the only remaining organized athletic competition available to guys over 30 years old. My problems with actually playing softball are two-fold:
First, the games are either double-header hangover specials held at 8:00am on Sunday morning, or they're weeknight marathon affairs under the lights that wrap up at 1:00am or so. Not exactly convenient for those of us who have actual jobs!
Second, I strongly object to the categorization of softball as a sport. Softball is no more a sport than billiards or bowling. Don't take my word for it, though. Consider this: two teams are playing softball, one made up of 23-year-old former college baseball players, the other made up of 50-year-old unemployed fat guys. Who wins this game? Those of you in the know can answer without hesitation: the fat guys, of course. Why? Because softball doesn't require anything resembling athletic ability. Rather, it's a game of finesse and ball placement, much like, well, billiards or bowling.
Lest you think I'm making all this up, let me flip over my 2002 Topps card and give you my career stats. Let's see... I've spent the last four summers toiling for the following slow-pitch juggernauts:
Aliquippa Eagles -- We had at least four convicted felons on this squad, played night games in the middle of the ghetto, and only managed to win when the other team forfeited due to parole violations.
Moon Honda -- In one of those Sunday-morning repentance leagues, this team had a pitcher who once threw his glove onto the adjacent highway after walking something like nine batters in a row (keep in mind, this is slow-pitch softball. Nice work, Stuss). We also had a big, muscled-up first baseman who looked like a player... until he swung the bat and hit a weak pop foul down the first base line. Every single at-bat. All season long.
The Team with No Name -- My buddy T.D. talked me into playing for this disorganized collection of stiffs. We never managed to actually get uniforms, a sponsor or our shit together. The highlight of the season? How about our shortstop (also recruited by that prick T.D.) fielding a routine fly ball, and getting low-bridged by our Zoloft-taking center fielder, blowing out his ACL. It's teamwork like that that led to one win, over a team of stand-up comics at that. Nothing funny about it.
Yates Electrical Contracting -- This team actually had some potential. A lot of good athletes, talented pitching, speed on the base paths, and one huge problem: youth. The league was populated with teams of old guys who had played together for 20 years. These teams handed us a good beating more often than not. We managed to squeak out some good wins though, including an extra-inning victory against the Harley Davidson team that almost went Hell's Angels on us. Those guys don't play well with others, if you know what I mean.
So you see, I've paid my dues and earned the right to pontificate on the finer points of this game.
First, let's talk strategy. Got a team of young sluggers assembled for a run at the beer-league championship this year? Forget it. You're going to get slaughtered, and I'll tell you why: young guys, baseball players and most athletes absolutely can't stand to see that big ol' ball floating up there like a balloon. Instinct tells you to wreck it, so you take a hack that would make the Milwaukee Brewers proud. The only problem is that the ball weighs a ton and is as soft as Mariah Carey's head. So you pop it up into the glove of a waiting outfielder, the two guys batting behind you do the same, and you find yourself back in the field before you've had a chance to remove your batting gloves.
The first cardinal rule of softball: Thou shalt not record a scoreless inning. If you don't put runs on the board in every single inning, all but the worst teams will bury you. Trust me, I've played for some of them.
Scoring runs in softball requires baserunners. Many, many baserunners. Home runs are nice, but they're few and far between. And if they come with the bases empty, they don't count for much. Not only is it important to have disciplined hitters at the top of your lineup, as in baseball, but you should strive to have disciplined hitters top to bottom. If you have one of those swing-for-the-fences meatheads who just refuses to hit for average, consider putting him at the bottom of the order. He'll be pissed, but the more you can take the bat out of his hands, the better off you'll be.
A little practice will go a long way toward consistent hitting. When you take B.P. or go to the cages, work on a smooth, level swing. If you've played any baseball, this will go against your instinct to spring your hips and drive the ball. But you'll find after a few days of practice that a smooth, level swing can be tuned to produce a consistent line drive that clears the shortstop's head and drops in front of the outfielder every time. Nothing sexy about it, but the .900 on-base percentage will look pretty good at the end of the season. Consider it cardinal rule number two: Thou shalt not swing so hard that thou soilst thine drawers.
Now, when it comes to defensive strategy, your team should think with their heads and not with their lower regions. That same big, heavy, mushy ball that's so hard to hit is also a bitch to throw. All too often, I've seen an inexperienced outfielder track down a ball and come up gunning, with no regard for the cutoff man. More often than not, he throws the ball into the neighboring cornfield, allowing at least one extra run to score. There's cardinal rule number three: Thou shalt not give away extra runs. Accept the fact that you're going to give up some runs, and make it a team rule that you must hit the cutoff man.
So, here you have it. Three simple team rules that you should institute at your first practice this year:
1. No goose-egg innings.
2. No homerun hacks unless we're winning by 10 runs or more.
3. No chucking the ball into the cheap seats.
Of course, there's always the standing universal softball rule: whoever makes the final out buys a case of beer for the next game. This one is set in stone Moses-style, and can't be tampered with.
If you follow these simple rules this season, you're still going to get pounded by fat old men... just not as badly as you would otherwise. Hey, it's their game.
Now that we've got your head screwed on straight, let's take a look at some gear that can improve your chances this year, too. You know the old saying: If you can't play the game, you can always buy a game. (I really don't think that's an old saying. In fact, I think I just made it up.)
Gloves
Frankly, you barely need a glove to play softball. With the exception of the third baseman (who has to make the occasional self-defense grab) and the first baseman (who has to field throws), everyone else could probably just catch the ball in their hats. But that would be silly, and Lord knows that softball is all about being serious.
When it comes to gloves, I've got five words for you: Mizuno. Whether it's baseball or softball, there isn't even a close second. We all grew up with Rawlings gloves, but since we were doodying in our diapers this venerable glove company hasn't done much. Mizuno has been eating their lunch with superior leathers and glove patterns, while Rawlings has been passing out Gold Glove awards and cranking out the same old board-stiff Gold Glove itself.
I personally don't think you need to spend a ton of cash on a softball glove, but don't even think about buying a cheap one. When you start getting chintzy with a glove, they start slipping in odd materials like vinyl and pigskin. Leave the vinyl on the seats of your 1982 Regal, and don't wrap your hand in something that was formerly a pig's ass.
Mizuno's Franchise series gloves can be had for around $40. They're quite a bargain when you consider that you're getting excellent full-grain leather, a ParaShock palm pad just in case you can't figure out how to catch the ball in the web, and a PowerLock wrist strap that keeps the glove firmly on your sweaty little hand.
If you tend to abuse your glove, shame on you. But Mizuno has you covered with their Premier series gloves. For around $60, you get a glove made from their new Tsunami leather. It's pre-softened, so it's ready to play immediately. It's also specially treated to be water-resistant, so if you do something stupid like leave it out in the rain, chances are it won't destroy your glove. But you should still be smacked around for doing it.
For those of us with a little panache, Mizuno has the Vintage series. These sweet-looking gloves are made from Retro Leather. True to its name, this leather has an old-school look that might remind you of your dad's old glove. It's also super-soft for a quick break-in. The Vintage will set you back about $100. Well worth it to be the best-looking error machine on your team!
You can peep all the new Mizuno gear at http://www.mizunousa.com/.
Whichever glove you choose, here are a few expert tips to keep in mind:
Get the right size. For softball, you'll want a pattern of at least 12.5 inches. If you play infield or pitch, you can get away with a glove in the 12.5-inch to 13-inch range. For an outfielder, size matters. Look for a 13- or 14-inch pattern to help you snare those high fly balls that the other team will be hitting because they didn't read this article.
Use glove dressing, and use it sparingly. Someone is going to tell you to use shaving cream to break in your glove. Don't do it. Yes, shaving cream does contain softening agents, called emollients, that will help soften the leather. It also contains alcohol, which will dry out and crack the leather, and fragrances, which will make your glove smell awfully purty. For two bucks, you can buy a bottle of Rawlings Glovolium that will soften your glove and protect it, without the adverse (and rather feminine) side effects of shaving cream. (A caveat: don't soak your glove with glove dressing. A few drops rubbed into the palm is all you need. More than that will make your glove wet and heavy. Re-apply only when the leather appears dry.)
Don't call your glove a "mitt"! This drives me nuts. In baseball, catchers wear mitts and first basemen wear mitts. They have no fingers in them. Get it? Everyone else on the diamond wears a glove, and all softball players wear gloves. With fingers. If you could help a brother out and get this right, the world will be a better place! (Consequently, it's a fishing rod, not a fishing pole... but we'll get to that in a later column!)
Bats
Here's the deal with bats: if you're going to hit 40 home runs this year and want the ultimate in power, go ahead and drop $300 on a bat. I won't stop you, because frankly it's well worth it. Bat technology has come a long way, and a little more stick can give you the pop you need to mash with the big boys.
My pick for you heavy hitters is the DeMarini B-52. This stick will set you back about $300. For three bills, you get an ASA-legal doublewall bat with a lot of bells and whistles. The bottom line is that this bat claims to have the largest sweet spot in the game, more power than any other bat, and also to be the most durable bat on the market. Who am I to argue? I haven't hit a ball over the fence since St. Swithens Day. And now that DeMarini is part of the Wilson family, these bats are much easier to find. Check 'em out at http://www.wilsonsports.com/.
For the rest of us "Punch-n-Judy" hitters, plan to spend around $75 on a quality stick. Don't worry too much about the material it's made from. You could find yourself drowning in a sea of CU31, C405, 7075, C405+, Sc777, C555... you get the idea. Instead, concentrate on getting the correct weight. Just about every softball bat you see will be 34 inches long, so don't worry about length. Bats will range from around 26 ounces up to 32 ounces or so. You should swing bats of various weights until you find one that feels right. Don't try to convince yourself that you're Superman and need a heavy bat, either. This will only hurt your batting average, and you might even strike out. And man, if you strike out in slow-pitch softball, walk straight to your car and get out of there. Don't ask me how I know, just do it!
Some Other Stuff
Before we part, I'd like to point out a few other items you're going to need to avoid looking like a potzer on the diamond:
A cool gear bag. These things can hold your cleats, glove, first aid kit, bats and everything else you might carry. They also have hooks to hang them on the fence, so it's like having your own little locker room.
Sliding pads. These things look incredibly dorky, but not nearly as bad as having to explain why your knees are all scraped up. Softball. Sure, I believe you.
Shorts that fit. Next time you go to the field, look for Softball Guy. You know who this is. Mullet haircut, drives a 1987 TransMaro, brings his loud-ass girlfriend to all the games, and lives to play softball. Find this guy and look at his shorts. They're too tight. Now look down and make sure yours are larger.
That's about all there is to the game of softball. Have fun, and don't forget to tell everyone who might be organizing a team: I am not playing this year. Screw that. Not a chance in hell.
I'll see you on the diamond.
Got a question?
If you have a gear- or sports-related question, e-mail it to me at Mpost@bullz-eye.com. If I like your question and choose to answer it in next month's column, we'll send you a $50 gift certificate to Dick's Sporting Goods!
If you just want to e-mail me to comment or complain about this column, feel free. But you'll get nothing and like it!