It was a pretty good year
01/08/2002
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And here we are again, having disposed of another year of our lives. And what a year it was, too. For better and worse, the year that officially opened the 21st century will be one that we won't soon forget.
Like most people, I spent my New Year holiday in deep, solemn reflection (i.e. drunk out of my gourd), pondering some of the things that make life in America great. And holy shit, what a great place this really is!
For further proof of the richness of our lives, look no further than the slew of "awards" that are given at the end of each year. We have awards for automobiles. Awards for people. Awards for music. A dozen different shows dedicated to handing out awards and letting people watch. There's that goddamn Pulitzer they keep trying to give me, but I don't return their calls.
Frankly, if there's something that's good, new, exciting, and generally makes people happy, we give it an award. So in this spirit, and with ample amounts of Crown Royal as my co-writer, I decided to create my own award for excellence in the year 2001. What the hell -- the Emmys suck, I don't know what the Grammys are for, and I've never met a single person who has ever won a Nobel Prize.
Henceforth, at the beginning of each new year, we will look back at the things that made us happy with the awarding of the "Mitchies." I know the name is self-serving, but wait 'til you see the trophy! And I guess we'll need a theme song. Let's see...
Stogies and snowboards and single-malt scotches,
Bicycles, bourbon, and pimped-out gold watches,
High-dollar toys, and cell phones that ring,
These are a few of my favorite things!
We'll work on the music for next year, I promise. In the meantime, here, in no particular order, are the 2001 Mitchie Awards for those things that made me happiest over the past year. Some people, some inanimate objects, all forever immortalized on the pages of Bullz-Eye.com:
2001 Mitchie / Person of the Year -- George W. Bush
All this guy did was win a presidential election that people tried to take away from him, restore a semblance of professionalism to the White House after it had been turned into an Arkansas trailer park for eight years, guide our country through its greatest tragedy, and oversee the kicking of many a terrorist scumbag ass. There was no close second for this award.
2001 Mitchie / Smoke -- Plascencia Magnum Maduro
(Hey, I told you that these were in no particular order!) If you love good cigars, buy a box of these Nicaraguan-made beauties. And when you buy them for around $50 per box, you should probably wear a ski mask, 'cause you're stealing them. The smoke is heavy and flavorful, the maduro wrapper is spicy, and even the band looks great. Any cigar that carries the name of the family that produces it is bound to be good, and I do surely love the Plascencias.
2001 Mitchie / Snowboard -- Blank Boards, Inc.
I guess I'm ignorant, or a bit of a Luddite when it comes to snowboard technology, but there's just no way in hell that I can justify spending a lot of cash on a snowboard. Let's face it, they're just boards. The guys at Blank Boards realize this, and they produce super-cool snowboards for super-low prices, and pimp them exclusively on the 'net at BlankBoard.com. For less than $200, you can be hooked up with a smooth new board that doesn't bear the name of your favorite X-Games athlete for a $300 upcharge. And if you like to ride at, say, around 4:20, they've even got a hemp-fiber board that's absolutely smokin'!
2001 Mitchie / Incendiary Device -- The Daisy Cutter
The Daisy Cutter is a 15,000-pound bomb that fills the air with a flammable vapor, then ignites it, obliterating anything within 600 yards in every direction. How could you not love this thing? My buddy Joey V. has informed me that they only cost the military about $30,000 to produce, too. I am currently saving up to buy my own.
2001 Mitchie / Hiking Boots -- Merrell Chameleon
The Chameleon is, first and foremost, a great-looking boot. Let's face it, most of the time we're wearing these things to the mall, bar, bowling alley or bah mitzvah. The fact that it looks good with jeans is a major plus. But this boot is also a hard-core hiker, capable of actual off-road duty. Waterproof dark-tanned leather, stabilizing support, and a super-sticky Vibram outsole make the Chameleon as tough as it is handsome. Kinda like me, huh?
2001 Mitchie / Booze -- Mr. James Beam
Appreciating a fine wine is an art. Understanding the complexities of a single-malt scotch is a skill. Loving Jim Beam is a study in getting blasted with class. A good bourbon is unique in the fact that it can be savored in all situations. You can sip James on the rocks with a twist at a hoity-toity holiday function, and you can pound Jimmy straight out of the bottle at a tailgate party. Try Jimmy mixed 50/50 with Vernor's Ginger Ale over ice. If it weren't illegal, I'd keep this shit in my car.
2001 Mitchie / Snowboard Bindings -- Flow
(I did tell you that these were in no particular order, right?) What's the hardest part of snowboarding? Well, for those of us who are pushing 30, it's fastening your goddamn bindings when you get off the lift. I'm in pretty decent shape, and I'll admit that I can't touch my toes. Either I have very short arms, or it's a flexibility issue. Either way, hooking up my bindings is a pain in the ass. Enter the Flow. Slide your foot into the pre-adjusted footbed, and click your ankle support into place with a flick of the almost knee-high lever. They ain't cheap, they're a pain in the ass to mount, and they're kinda ugly. But for an old dude on a snowboard, they're beautiful!
2001 Mitchie / Unruly Mob -- Browns Fans
Stemming from a late-season bottle-throwing incident during a game against Jacksonville, Browns fans have been called everything but the Fourth Reich. Let me be among the first to come to their defense in print. Not only do I condone the throwing of plastic beer bottles during that game, but I dare say that they didn't throw enough shit onto the field. Now, I realize that the call that was eventually made was the correct one. Quincy Morgan couldn't catch HIV in Haiti. They got it right in the end. But the officiating crew lost control of this game in the first half, and it spiraled out of control throughout. A little mob justice was warranted as punishment for the ineptitude of the striped shirts. As a native Clevelander, I'm damn proud of our fans. Especially the guy who threw his own shoes onto the field. That, my friends, is dedication!
2001 Mitchie / Musical Group, New -- Linkin Park
Their Hybrid Theory album just friggin' rocks. (I leave the serious musical critiques to Mike Farley!)
2001 Mitchie / Disturbing Mental Image -- Midgets
They still scare the ever-living shit out of me. The only thing scarier than a midget is a midget clown. Midgets will win this award every year.
2001 Mitchie / Musical Performer, All-Time -- James Brown
The Godfather of Soul, The Hardest Working Man in Show Business, Soul Brother Number One. Feel the need to go old-school and hear the roots of everything we call music today? James Brown is the way to go. His stage performance of "Please, Please, Please" is still the greatest live act ever.
2001 Mitchie / Brain Buckets -- Bell Helmets
Sonny Bono sure as hell wishes he had been wearing one. Well, judging by his widow, maybe he's happier where he is now. But in every action sport, you run the risk of serious head injury. Skinned knees heal, dislocated shoulders pop back in, but brain damage is a bitch. Bell has been making helmets forever. If they can make a helmet that protects the melons of race car drivers at 200 miles per hour, they can make one to protect your dome while mountain biking. Wear one. They're not as dorky as they used to be. And nothing is as dorky as drooling and having your diaper changed.
2001 Mitchie / Sport -- XFL Football
I'm probably the only person who feels this way, but I am so disappointed that the XFL folded. I loved that crap! Sure, the quality of play was sub-par, at best. But for pure sideshow value, the XFL was unmatched. The only thing better than watching an XFL game on TV was attending one in person. The one game I was fortunate enough to see live was in Chicago, at Soldier Field. It was 20 below, and the cheerleaders were in thongs. There was a fistfight in the stands every 10 seconds. He Hate Me ran for 200 yards, after getting on the mike before the game and announcing that he "knows why Chicago is called the Windy City... 'cause all you people BLOW!" Call me shallow, but I want my XFL back!
2001 Mitchie / Website -- Bullz-Eye.com
(duh!)
Hell yes I'm a little biased here, but come on! If you've managed to get as far as my sorry little column, you've no doubt waded through all of the other great content on this Website. The girls, the sports, the humor (you can't tell me that Lane Strauss isn't disgustingly hilarious!)... there is seriously no better destination on the 'net for all of your needs and wants. And this place just keeps getting better every day! Take a look at what you're using as your home page right now. You think maybe you'd rather see Bullz-Eye.com pop up there every morning instead? Of course you would! Go ahead, make the change. It won't hurt a bit. And if you want a weather forecast, stick your damn head out the window!
Know what? I could probably go on forever handing out prestigious Mitchie awards. But it's a brand new year, and it's time to get on with it. I wish everyone a kick-ass 2002. It's going to be a great, great year!
E-mail the award committee at: mpost@bullz-eye.com