Five things that can ruin your summer vacation
07/11/2001
Post Home / Recreation Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
It has occurred to me recently that quite a large number of people are, please pardon the expression, chicken-shit. Myself included. I came to this startling realization while in the planning stages of an upcoming trip to the beach.
As completely innocuous as this planning process would appear, I have already learned that my eight travel companions and I have, between us, no fewer than a dozen or so separate fears relating to things which might mangle, kill, burn, eat, drown, paralyze or impale us. Not to mention the scores of things that have the potential to generally piss us off.
So, being the type of guy I am, I set out to do a little research on all of these fears, with the hope of rendering them baseless. (Okay, so I also wanted to have enough information on hand so I can tell everyone to quit their bitching during the long drive to the ocean.) What I found through my exhaustive research was that there are indeed only five things that can ruin this summer vacation. In the interest of saving everyone's lives, I've decided to share my research with all of you.
Before we begin, a personal caveat to my travel companions: You know how sometimes you say something, hoping that it doesn't happen (generally followed by a "knock on wood"), and then the aforementioned thing jumps up and bites you in the ass? Well, I apologize in advance for the fact that any and all of these five things will probably play a part in this trip, thanks to the "Beetlejuice Syndrome." But just think, you'll have one hell of an ironic story to tell!
So here, in the order in which I fear them, are the five things that can ruin your summer vacation, along with some tips on avoiding them -- you didn't think I was that cold-blooded, did you?
1. Sharks
As with all shark-related stories, I'll start you out with a little perspective. During 1996, the most recent year for which these ridiculous statistics have been compiled, there were no fewer than 491,402 injuries attributed to home-improvement equipment (including a shocking 43,687 toilet injuries. Toilet injuries?). During the same year, there were only 20 confirmed shark attacks in the United States, none of them fatal.
Yes, I am well aware of the fact that you are 30 times more likely to be killed by a lightning strike than by a shark attack. And yes, your chances of being bitten by a shark are about the same as your chances of being bitten by an ocelot, whatever the hell that is. But the bottom line is that almost everyone has an inherent fear of sharks, and it's not completely unfounded. While the odds of it actually happening are miniscule, a shark bite can make your day way, way below average.
Consider the three basic types of shark attacks: the "hit and run," "bump and bite," and the "sneak attack." These are actual scientific classifications; I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to! The most common, by far, is the hit and run attack. In this case, a shark simply mistakes you for its normal prey, usually in low-visibility situations, and takes a single small bite out of you. Once the shark realizes that you're not a seal, it leaves. (Apparently, human flesh tastes worse than Taco Bell food.)
While the hit and run shark attack is definitely no picnic, it's downright fun compared to the other two types. The bump and bite, typically seen in the movies, involves the shark bumping you with its nose to determine whether or not you are a tasty shark snack. Then, after bumping you, the shark is either too hungry or too stupid to care that you're not actually a seal, and chomps you in half anyway. You not only get devoured by the shark, but you get to watch! The sneak attack sucks almost as badly, but is much more merciful in that there is no investigative bump beforehand. In either case, I can personally think of at least 1,000 better ways to die.
All that being said, there are a few basic things you can do to make sure you're not the next star of Fox's You Gotta See This! When venturing into the water, try to stay near other people. Sharks are opportunists, looking for stray individuals. Don't go into the water if you're bleeding from an open wound. Use extra caution when the water is extremely murky, because sharks rely on sight to identify prey. And try to avoid the areas between sandbars or near steep dropoffs. Sharks like to cruise these areas at low tide. And for crying out loud, if someone has sighted a shark in the area, stay the hell out of the water.
As long as you keep your head out of your hiney, I personally guarantee that a shark will never, ever bite you. In fact, I will even give you $20 out of my own pocket if you are attacked. Just send me a videotape of the event, and I'll mail you a check!
Have you ever wanted to be one of those guys who works for the Weather Channel and gets to stand out on a pier in the middle of a hurricane with a microphone and reports that "it's very windy out here, Bob. Now back to you in the studio"? Yeah, me too. There's something very cool about hurricanes, probably due to the fact that an average-sized storm contains as much energy as 10,000 Hiroshima-caliber atomic bombs.
But with modern forecasting, the danger for loss of life from a hurricane is extremely low. Honestly, you knew the storm was coming three days ago; if you're still in your mobile home when it arrives, you probably deserve to become a human sailboard.
However, a hurricane arriving during your vacation poses its own set of problems. First, you're probably going to have to evacuate. Almost all coastal states have mandatory evacuation laws for non-residents, so you can either go peacefully or in handcuffs (just like college all over again!). Second, once you do evacuate, you'll have to figure out where you're going. The nearest inland city generally isn't a consideration because the hotels have already filled up with people who are smarter than you and evacuated days earlier. And third, cutting your vacation short to spend a few days in a Motel 6 in Pigknuckle, South Carolina is going to be expensive.
To minimize the chances of a hurricane costing you an arm, a leg, your car or a divorce, there are a few things you can do before your trip. Number one, have a plan. Know where you're going to go if you're ordered to leave, and know how to get there. Number two, use caution, especially once you're off the beach. Inland flooding is the most common cause of death in a hurricane, and driving your Family Truckster across a flooded road is a good way to get yourself a free whitewater rafting trip. And number three, watch the Weather Channel. You'll know exactly when the storm is coming... and you might just see me standing on a pier with a raincoat and a microphone. Back to you, Bob.
3. Sun
In case you haven't figured it out by now, I'm being a bit facetious with this article. Most of this crap will never happen to you in a million years. Ah, but the sun. It's always been there, and it will always be there, 93 million miles away (give or take six inches), ready to inflict painful damage on fair-skinned northerners.
There are a couple ways the sun can (and will) ruin your vacation. Maybe you'll pull a John Candy and pass out in a beach chair. When you wake up, you'll be burned to a crisp. Or maybe you'll stay out there even longer, and develop a good case of sun poisoning, which will require a trip to the hospital. Or just maybe you'll endure repeated burnings throughout your life, and give yourself a good case of malignant melanoma, which I understand is no picnic, either.
When you do get a sunburn, treatments haven't really advanced beyond medieval medicine. Take a couple Tylenol, use some cool washcloths and remain miserable throughout your vacation.
And if you want to avoid becoming one of the unfortunate masses who come down with some form of basal cell cancer each year from sun exposure, have yourself checked by a dermatologist. Trust me, I know from experience that standing buck-naked in front of a short fat guy in a lab coat with a magnifying glass isn't fun, but it's better than the same guy telling you that you have six months to live a few years down the road, right?
Therefore, prevention is the only logical way to go. Wear sunscreen. Some no-talent pop singer whose name I forget even wrote an awful song about it a few years ago.
4. Shells
When I was about 14 years old, I stepped on a shell during a trip to the beach. It became embedded deeply in my heel. I didn't do anything about it right away, and several weeks later I was forced to have surgery to remove the shell and related scar tissue. If you've never had a doctor stick a needle right into the middle of the bottom of your foot, you don't know what you're missing. Two days later, I ran a high school cross country meet, thinking the stitches would hold if I taped them. They didn't. One more trip back to the doctor for another needle in the bottom of the foot. Thus ended the most traumatic medical incident of my life, all caused by a friggin' shell.
But that was a long time ago, and I've finally stopped wearing hunting boots on the beach. I've remained a barefoot beach walker ever since, but a recent article in a semi-popular men's magazine caught my eye. It was about a tiny little shelled creature that can actually kill you! Thinking that the writer was full of shit (I'm the only writer I actually believe anyway), I did a little investigating.
Conus Textile is better known as the predatory cone shell. This little sucker can inject you with a toxin that will cause seizures, burning pain throughout your body, cardiac and respiratory failure, and eventually death. All from a cute little colorful seashell! Cone shells have been known to prey on fish that are up to 100 times their size, and numerous human fatalities have been reported in recent years, generally unwitting beachcombers stepping on them while wading in near-shore tidal areas.
If you want to avoid this fate, just stay out of Australia and the South Pacific. These mean little bastards aren't found anywhere near the United States. I just threw this one in for the shock value.
5. Stupid People
They're everywhere. You can't avoid them. Sorry.
That, classmates, is how I plan to spend my summer vacation. And if any of you happen to be in the Outer Banks in August, I'll see you there. I'll be the guy with the shark repellant, raincoat, SPF 100 sunscreen, winter boots and a loaded firearm!
Special thanks to the International Shark Attack File, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and the University of Melbourne, Australia.
And don't forget, you can still send your comments and criticisms to TheGearDude@hotmail.com.