The guys' guide to Father's Day gifts that don't suck
06/06/2001
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With Father's Day rapidly approaching, I figured that this is an excellent time to dispense with my usual riveting sports and adventure prose, and let fly with a public service announcement. The fact of the matter is that Father's Day gifts generally suck. I'm not sure exactly what's behind this phenomenon, but I have a couple theories:
First, guys generally don't put a lot of thought into buying gifts for other guys. Gift giving is a feminine thing, as is gift receiving. We all know this. That's why our idea of a great house-warming gift for our buddies is generally a case of Bud and a handshake.
Second, we're talking about our fathers here. By the time we're old enough to afford decent gifts, they have already accumulated so much crap that they have neither the time nor the storage space for anything we might want to give them. For example, someone will inevitably buy my father a dozen golf balls this year. Do you have any idea how many friggin' golf balls my father has in his garage? I don't either, but he keeps them stored in barrels, and the barrels take up at least four shelves. Buying him a dozen golf balls is like sending Bill Gates 20 bucks for his birthday.
And finally, the most important factor influencing the suckiness of Father's Day gifts: we assume that our fathers are all the same. This is reflected in the retail advertising that's poised to fall out of our Sunday newspapers. Every insert will invariably feature the same assortment of ultra-lame crap: ties, polo shirts, "world's greatest dad" barbecue aprons, and lighted nose-hair trimmers (actually, I wouldn't mind getting one of those, but I don't have any kids, as far as I know. Insert rimshot here, tee hee hee!). We are actually encouraged -- nay, coerced -- to buy thoughtless, useless and tasteless Father's Day gifts.
Therefore, as a public service to you, my faithful readers, I am going to single-handedly save Father's Day this year. I have done all the thinking for you, and herein provided you with numerous suggestions for gifts that don't suck. There's no need to thank me (unless you're planning to send cash, which you may do to my attention c/o Bullz-Eye.com). Oh, and in case my dad is reading this: you're probably getting the barbecue apron. I've spent so much time thinking for everyone else that I've run out of creative ideas!
In order to find the correct non-sucking Father's Day gift, it's important to understand exactly which of the following categories that dear old dad falls into. If you're lucky, you'll be able to find just the right gift in more than one category. Heck, some of you guys might have more than one dad; and that's ok, who are we to judge?
Golfer Dad
This, unfortunately, is the most common type of dad. You'll forgive me a brief tirade against golf here, but I've been doing an awful lot of traveling lately, and nothing looks more ridiculous from the air than golf courses. I think they're perversions of nature, and we should place a moratorium on their construction before the entire world is covered in fake, chemically-fed grasses with names like "Kikuyu" and "Tifway II." Ugh.
But I digress. The only real bad thing about having a Golfer Dad is that it's so easy to fall into the sucky gift trap (see "dozen golf balls," above). But rather than going out and snagging a dozen golf balls or a few ugly shirts, how about something that dad can use? The most expensive part of golf is generally the greens fees. Most courses offer gift certificates to cover one or more rounds. Get him a day pass to a nice course he wouldn't normally play; a change of scenery may do him good!
Another great gift for Golfer Dad is a private lesson or two. Almost all courses have at least one PGA professional on staff, and while these guys are generally double-knit tools, they just might be able to help your old man straighten out that slice so he can resume kicking your ass like he used to!
Fisherman Dad
Fortunately for the gift-buying public, almost every guy enjoys fishing. And the beautiful thing about fishing is that the equipment is built using the same planned-obsolescence model as most American cars. That new five-bearing reel you bought last year has come out in a 10-bearing model this year, and of course the price is exorbitant.
But rather than running out and buying dad the latest new-fangled reel or rod (please don't ever call it a fishing "pole"), find out what type of fishing he does. A serious fisherman can never own enough tackle. If he's a bass fisherman, get him a nice assortment of crank baits, some spinners, and some jigs and tails in the 1/4oz - 3/8oz sizes. Trout fishermen will appreciate a nice box of hand-tied flies, or some small weighted spinners if he's not into the "A River Runs Through It" thing. Saltwater fishermen are always in need of hooks and leaders, lots of 'em. The beauty of fishing tackle is that you can buy handy little boxes to put it all in, thus making it very easy to wrap!
Outdoorsman Dad
If dad happens to be a hunter or similar wilderness adventurer, the door is wide open for creative gift giving. It's easy to forget about his affinity for the hunt this time of year, because there isn't much game you can legally hunt in June. But this in no way means that you and dad can't load up and go shoot things in the woods. I suggest taking him to your nearest sporting clays course for Father's Day. This, in my opinion, is one of the coolest sports out there. In a nutshell, it's golf as it should be -- with shotguns. You score points based on your ability to break clay targets, or "pigeons," launched into the air and across the ground from a variety of shooting stations. This is a total finesse sport, so if you're relying on your superior strength and agility, count on getting a good ass-whipping from dad. But win or lose, I guarantee you'll have a blast!
If shooting isn't dad's thing, but he enjoys the outdoors, consider buying him
some gear that will help him enjoy hiking or camping. These are minimalist
sports, so anything you get him must be useful and/or compact. Taking dad to a
good outfitter to be fitted for some quality hiking boots or hooking him up with
one of the new internal-frame backpacks won't get you off the hook cheaply, but
these gifts will get tons of use over several years. And have you ever stopped
to think just how much cabbage dad has invested in your upbringing over the
years?
A friend recently sent me one of those cutesy e-mails with a little list of "life lessons" or some crap like that. One of the items went something like this: "You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape." While this observation is funny, and bears a small kernel of truth, most of us know that it's bullshit. If you're a real man, how many tools do you really need? I hope most of you got the answer right: all of them! A man can never, ever have too many tools, especially power tools!
Does dad like to work on cars? A new set of wrenches, in both metric and SAE, will go over big. If he's into woodworking, how about a new power sander? Maybe your dad just likes to fiddle with projects around the house, in which case you can get him a complete set of general-purpose tools, with a nice toolbox to hold everything. Or perhaps dad likes to build dollhouses. Then you have some issues that I can't help you with, pal!
I shouldn't have to tell you this, but in case you just hitchhiked in on the turnip truck: There is a big difference between good tools and cheap tools. You may not be able to tell by looking at them, but trust me when I tell you to buy only the good stuff for dad. If you're shopping in the tool department of your local bargain-mart, you're in the wrong place. Giving someone cheap tools is an insult, and it can also be dangerous. If you have never had a box-end wrench break and take your knuckles with it, I applaud you. But rest assured, it hurts like hell.
Businessman Dad
So, what if your dad isn't a great outdoor adventurer, and he doesn't know which end of a screwdriver to stick in a light socket? All is not lost. If he's more comfortable in a boardroom than he is in the wilderness, there are still a million great gift ideas that don't fall into the "lame" category.
If your dad travels for business, you're in luck. One of the hot new trends in the luggage industry is the adventure travel category. Now, we all know that 90% of the guys using this aren't going anywhere more adventurous than a meeting in Poughkeepsie, but the technology used in this stuff can make the usual trudge through the airport a little more enjoyable. Check out some of the new pieces that combine the capacity of your standard carry-on suitcase with some cool features like hidden shoulder straps for easy carrying, and padded laptop compartments that can eliminate that all-annoying second piece of luggage.
Or maybe dad is a world traveler, making frequent trips outside the country. One of the biggest problems when traveling abroad (besides the obvious proliferation of foreigners) is the lack of reliable communication devices (i.e. telephones). Until they come up with something more reliable, the solution lies in a few select service providers using satellite-based cellular phones. Most of these phones work anywhere on the planet, and their size and cost have finally come down to reasonable levels. Just make sure the old man understands what the roaming charges from Bangladesh are before he goes nuts with his new toy!
Sits on his Ass and Does Nothing Dad
Finally, let's not forget the most prevalent genre of American male. Some people just like to do a whole lot of nothing. And that's ok, because there are probably more products geared toward this group than any other.
Just about every guy in the world can appreciate a good beer and a fine cigar. Give dad a break from his usual Old Swill with a case or two of some of the outstanding microbrews available almost anywhere. And now that the big yuppie cigar boom is over, and most of the fly-by-night crappy cigar brands have folded, excellent quality cigars are once again available to the general public at a decent price. Forget about your local tobacconist, however. Thanks to the wonders of technology, boxes of stogies are available to you at the same wholesale costs the dealers pay. Just plan ahead to make sure you receive dad's order before the holiday.
The only other sure thing in life (besides, of course, the Red Sox never winning a World Series) is that all men love to cook with fire. Not one of us would lift a finger to stir-fry anything except a girlfriend's cat, but fire up the grill and we'll roast any animal hapless enough to wander within fork range. A new barbecue grill, complete with Teflon burners and stainless-steel hardware, will insure that you're dad's favorite for at least a few years to come. And the beauty of it is that you can accessorize your gift with utensils, extra propane tanks, and the ubiquitous "world's greatest dad" apron!
Now, lest you think I did all this thinking for you and then left you hanging, here are a few places you might want to start your search for the ultimate non-sucking Father's Day gift:
You can find almost anything golf-related, including qualified instructors and schools, at:
http://www.golflink.com/
In case you're too lazy to head out to your local tackle shop, you can do plenty of research and even score your local fishing report at:
http://www.bigfishtackle.com/
A quick click on the official Website of the National Sporting Clays Association will help you find a shooting range in your neighborhood:
http://www.mynsca.com/
If you need to research camping and outdoor gear, there's no better place to turn than:
http://www.gorp.com/
Some of the world's greatest beers are brewed in the Pacific Northwest, and you can find them at:
http://www.oregonbeers.org/
(Be sure to check out the Rogue Ales. Quite tasty!)
And for the best deal, hands-down, on fine cigars, check out Lew Rothman's company:
http://www.jrcigars.com/
Best of luck, good shopping, and happy Father's Day!
And don't forget, you can still send your comments and criticisms to TheGearDude@hotmail.com. I am expecting a few thank-you notes from everyone's fathers!