Spring Break in the U.K.?
05/03/2001
Post Home / Recreation Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
For many of us, spring break stirs what memories remain of beaches, drinking and general debauchery. But we're getting older, guys. We've seen everything there is to offer at the traditional spring break spots. Threw up on the bar at 600 North in Daytona? Yep. Got thrown out of Spinnaker in Panama City? Check. Mistook that biker for a girl at Louie's Back Yard in South Padre? Unfortunately. Can't remember a damn thing about Cancun? I feel your pain. The time has come for more leisurely (and healthy) pursuits for your annual spring getaway, before you end up toe-tagged. With that in mind, I decided to throw my liver a changeup this year, and set out for the U.K.
Actually taking a trip to the U.K.? On purpose? How stupid is that? What with all the pasty Austin Powers-looking people with bad teeth, the crappy food, and driving on the wrong side of the road? Big Ben. Parliament. Not a chance, fellas! The U.K. in question is part of a beautiful little line of coral islands stretching out into the Atlantic Ocean, just a short paddle on a homemade raft from Cuba. Affectionately known as the Florida Keys, we're talking specifically about the Upper Keys, the first few little islands starting just south of Florida City. Now don't get me wrong, Key West is cool, but it's just not my thing. If you want crowded boardwalks, t-shirt shops and trolleys full of tourists from Minnesota, let me suggest a trip to Atlantic City. At least there you can gamble!
I selected the Upper Keys for a variety of reasons, primarily because these islands are home to the world's best scuba diving, sport fishing, and enough great food to send you home looking like Rosie O'Donnell's stunt double. Oh, and you might just be able to scare up a cocktail or two, as well.
Getting there
Another great thing about the Upper Keys is their relative proximity to Miami. A quick afternoon flight into Miami International and a short drive south on the Florida Turnpike will have you dangling your toes in Florida Bay in time for sunset. Or at least that's what I thought. You know how the State Department issues travel advisories for tourists traveling to dangerous foreign countries? Well they should really consider doing the same thing for Florida's roadways. This, my friends, is combat driving at its finest. Any time you get a roadway full of doddering octogenarians and throw in a few million Latinos trying to get to South Beach for happy hour, it's a recipe for road kill. My rented Nissan Maxima was neither large enough nor fast enough to compete in this 100 mile-an-hour demolition derby. Unless you've got a little Andretti in your blood, I'm going to suggest springing for a sport/ute. Or a tank, if you can find one.
But as soon as you get south of Florida City and cross the bridge to the Keys, a miracle occurs. Everyone just kinda chills out. In fact, once on the islands, I never did see anyone's middle finger. If you happen to arrive during one of the weekly tourist migrations, you might want to consider Card Sound Road as an alternative to the traffic-laden Overseas Highway. Card Sound is the back door to the Keys, and you're more likely to be stopped by an alligator crossing the road than you are a drawbridge malfunction or a tour bus accident.
Your fist order of business is a stop at the Winn Dixie supermarket. The further you go into the Keys, the fewer liquor stores you are apt to find. Don't say I didn't warn you!
Where to stay
Frankly, the Florida Keys wouldn't be a bad place to be homeless. What the hell, it's tropical. At least you wouldn't freeze. In fact, I saw plenty of scruffy-looking guys walking the Overseas Highway with makeshift backpacks. That's the primary difference between the homeless people in the Keys and those we have up north: they keep moving in the Keys. Essentially, they're not homeless, just long-term campers!
But should you feel the need for a roof over your head, there is no finer place to stay in the Upper Keys than the beautiful little Island Bay Resort in the town of Tavernier. Island Bay is a study in beautiful simplicity: a crushed gravel driveway leads you along a string of 10 guest cottages and ends at a private beach and dock on Florida Bay. The cottages are basic but well furnished. Come on, we're guys. There's a bathroom, a refrigerator and a barbecue grill. What else do you really need? Well, how about a spectacular view of the bay, incredible sunsets, and the occasional stingray and dolphin visiting the dock?
Another great reason to stay at the Island Bay Resort is the treatment you'll receive from Carol and Mike. (No, smart ass, they're not the Bradys. They're the Shipleys. I checked!) This place is their home, and you are treated like a welcomed guest from the moment you arrive. Whether borrowing a corkscrew from Carol or seeking Mike's help in identifying an odd-looking fish I caught, Island Bay was the next best thing to staying with friends. And frankly, I don't have any friends who have this kind of view from their homes!
As a side note, this little town of Tavernier was so named by the 17th-century pirates who frequented these islands. They said that, in this town, there was always a "tavern near." I would not kid you about a matter this serious!
Underwater diversions
Obviously, everything you do in the Upper Keys involves water in one way or another. You're either swimming in it, pulling something out of it or stirring the ice cubes made from it! Anywhere you happen to be in the Keys, you are always just a stone's throw from two bodies of water: the Atlantic Ocean to the south, and Florida Bay and the Everglades to the north.
Starting about three miles offshore from Key Largo is the John Pennekamp State Park. This is an underwater park, the nation's first. It is comprised of about 100 square miles of protected coral reef structure. This park draws divers and snorkelers like flies to a meadow muffin, but it's cool because the reef is huge, and you can spread out and do your own thing without having flippers in your face.
My own foray onto this reef was aboard the Quicksilver, a 50-foot sail catamaran. There are countless charter services offering transportation to the reef, but I figure if you're going to go somewhere, you might as well go in style, right? Quicksilver sails out of the Holiday Inn Marina located at MM100. (Everything in the Keys is identified by its "mile marker" number, making it easy to get around. The fact that there's only one road doesn't hurt, either.)
This particular trip was manned by Captain Don and First Mate Maggie. Don's job is to drive the boat. He's got it easy, because Maggie is responsible for handling the tourists on board, a fate worse than Oprah reruns. This was just a snorkeling trip, and I was smart enough to bring my own gear. This allowed me to sit in the corner of the boat and size up my fellow passengers as Maggie tried to size them up for wetsuits and snorkels. I knew right away that this crew was going to have problems with that whole "breathe in, breathe out" thing, so I positioned myself strategically near the opening in the rail on the starboard side of the boat. As soon as we neared the reef, I slipped into my fins, zipped up my wetsuit and prepared to jump. I wanted to be in the water and far away from the water show about to take place. We were not at Bellagio, and this was certainly not the cast of "O". As the tourists waddled toward the front of the boat to descend the lowered staircase, I made the 10-foot jump out the back and headed directly for the reef. I knew what was taking place aboard the boat, and I was really happy to be on my own, away from the splashing, choking and floundering.
The reef itself is an incredible underwater ecosystem that absolutely teems with life. The first thing that greeted me in the coral forest was a school of 20-30 large barracuda. These are actually fairly docile fish, but they look mean as hell and have huge teeth. I'm a rube from the Midwest, and the biggest fish I had ever seen were a few fat catfish. Fortunately, these guys found me about as appetizing as a Chalupa, and let me go about my business unbitten.
Skimming the outer edges of the reef, where the water gets a little deeper, I was able to do a little free diving and explore the undersides of some of the huge coral heads that punctuate the ocean floor. I am ashamed to admit that there were at least a dozen different creatures that I could not identify, but I looked them up upon getting back to the boat to find that they were mostly bar jacks, triggerfish and assorted groupers (in my previous experiences, these make great sandwiches!). In all honesty, I was probing the waters outside the reef hoping to encounter a shark or two. It was only after returning to the boat that Captain Don told me most of the sharks were sunning themselves and feeding in the bay this time of year, and didn't venture out into the open ocean. Probably just as well, because I figure myself to be the type to poke a shark with a stick, just to see what he'll do.
After an hour or so of reef exploring, it was time to head back to the boat and move on to another part of the reef. Just like the Marines, I was the first person in the water and the last one out. The tourists looked exhausted. In fact, a few of them never made it off of the boat. Maggie had to jump into the relatively cold (67-degree) water on two occasions to assist them with that whole breathing concept, and to help the panic-stricken Wisconsinites ward off some jellyfish. This poor girl is greatly underpaid! We returned to the harbor under sail power, and Don broke out the cooler of brewskies. Under these conditions, even the Jimmy Buffett music was tolerable.
One fish, two fish, red fish, what the hell?
You can't spend any amount of time in the Upper Keys without wetting a line, even if you're not a die-hard fisherman. The town of Islamorada is the self-proclaimed sportfishing capital of the world, and a quick drive across the island serves to confirm this. Boats outnumber people two-to-one in this town, and there is some type of fishing tournament being held every single day.
With visions of Ernest Hemingway dancing in my dome, I boarded the Fisherman's Choice, a 49-foot party boat, for a day of reef fishing. Grouper and yellowtail snapper were the quarry of choice this day, and I anticipated hauling dozens of trophy-sized sandwich fixins aboard, just like those Sunday morning ESPN shows.
However, before I ever hooked up with a fish, I already had a battle on my hands. Remember, I'm from the Midwest. I'm used to cornfields and flatness. On this particular day, the Atlantic Ocean puke machine was turned on high, with eight- and 10-foot waves greeting us just outside the harbor. Combine this with the 90-degree heat and half a dozen rum drinks I had consumed for breakfast, I was ready to start chumming a little early.
The second problem we encountered was a profound lack of fish. At our fist stop, one old-timer tied into a "strawberry" grouper. At first, I thought this fish was named for its bright red and pink coloration. Actually, this sucker was probably named for its size; it was about the size of a golf ball. Very disappointing when you're six miles out in the ocean trying to hold down your lunch.
After two more similarly unproductive stops, I was forced to pull out the big guns. Reaching into my back pocket, I pulled out my lucky red fishing hat and stuck it on my head. Yes, it's ugly. Yeah, it's a little embarrassing. But as soon as I put it on, I caught an actual living fish! I got it aboard the boat, and had no idea what kind of fish it was. I asked the guy next to me, who just shrugged and said, "I don't know. I'm from Minnesota." Figures. Then the fish started making noises, almost like a pig. This creeped me out, so I had to ask the ship's mate what it was. He said it was a "grunt;" you figure out why. And that was the highlight of my day of nausea. I added one yellowtail to my catch before we headed in. Eight hours on the boat, two fish.
Now, I'm no expert fisherman, but I know for a fact that this was piss-poor fishing. Like any guy, I have my pride, and I set out to redeem myself. I figured what the hell, my cottage is right on the water, and it's gotta be full of fish. So, on my way back to Island Bay, I made a detour to the local K-Mart (yep, they even have Blue Light Specials in paradise). I picked up a $20 telescoping spinning rod and reel, and a few basic jigs with rubber tails. It was dark now and I walked out to the end of the dock with my new fishing partner, Sam Adams, and started casting. There was no way I expected to catch anything, but I was enjoying the warm moonlit night when wham! I hooked a fish on my second cast. It fought like a champ, and when I finally got it back to the dock, I was happy to see that it was another "grunt", about twice the size of the one I hooked out on the ocean. Three more casts, and I had another one. There's a valuable lesson in here somewhere: eight hours on a chartered professional fishing boat, two small fish. Fifteen minutes on a dock with a six-pack, two medium-sized fish. You figure it out!
Tons o' fun for everyone
The Upper Keys scene is not limited to the slimy things under water. There are plenty of slimy things above the water to keep you busy, too! The following are just a few of my personal recommendations for eats, drinks and sightseeing:
Papa Joe's Bar is located on a small inlet on the bayside of the Keys, and features an outdoor cabana-style bar that overlooks the backcountry charter fleet. The crowd is your basic mix of fishermen and tourists. Just between you and me, the fishermen are the better breed of people. But that's neither here nor there. This is a kick-ass place to watch a sunset, which is a real happening in the Keys. The entire island stops for 30 minutes before and 30 minutes after each sunset. (I even videotaped one while I was there, but haven't been bored enough to actually watch it yet.) All you need to know about Papa Joe's is this: Don't feed the pelicans. They'll bite your fingers off. And don't give Carmen, the bartender, any crap. She'll do the same!
The Lor-E-Lei is another bayside bar located just a few miles up the coast. The main draw at the Lor-E-Lei is a two-man band of refugees from Syracuse, Paul Case and Billy Davidson. These guys are extremely talented, especially considering how much they drink. By the time they've finished their last set, Billy is playing with his eyes closed because the whole bar is spinning. I guess two bottles of Jagermeister will do that to you. (I'm not exaggerating. These boys can pound like champions!) You have to love any band that finishes the evening by telling the crowd: "Drive fast, take chances. God hates excuses, and loves a good accident!"
If you insist on eating something other than baloney sandwiches while you're in the Upper Keys, you must make a trip to Snook's Bayside. It's located directly across from the Holiday Inn Marina, but it's not easy to find. Set back from the highway about 300 feet, the Snook's sign is hidden behind a small yellow sushi bar that I wouldn't enter if I were wearing a space suit. But once you do find Snook's, you will be much pleased. Your barstool is literally dangling right over the water, and the view of Florida Bay is amazing. The beer selection is good here, but you really have to check out some of the bartender's specialty drinks. Even though it comes with fruit garnish and a little paper umbrella, the Rum Whoo-Ha will knock you on your ass. Chase the munchies with a little crab bisque and one of the best dolphin sandwiches I've ever had. (It's actually mahi-mahi, but this stuff is so good, I'd probably eat it even if it were dolphin!)
The Florida Keys Wild Bird Center is a very cool side trip. This is basically a rehab center for sick and injured waterfowl. Founded in 1984 by Laura Quinn, the center is located on a beautiful piece of land on the Florida Bay. It is home to hundreds of pelicans, herons and assorted other fauna. A leisurely stroll through the grounds will give you a good look at the tidal marsh and indigenous plant life of the Upper Keys. The center is donor-supported, so be sure to give 'til it hurts. These folks do some good work. A great majority of the birds that come into the center have been injured as a result of careless fishermen. Once a pelican or heron ingests a hook, it must be removed by reaching down the bird's throat and retrieving it. If you ever needed a reason to be more careful with your fishing tackle, this is it.
Finally, a few simple tips about the Upper Keys:
A lot of people down there drink Kalik, a Bahamian beer that comes in a clear bottle. You're probably going to try it anyway, but I'm telling you right now that it sucks.
You're going to see "cracked conch" on the menu everywhere you go. It's tasty stuff, but don't let anyone tell you that it's fresh and/or local. The conch is a protected species in this country, and most of the conch you eat will be coming from the Pacific Rim or South America. You can buy the same stuff in Chicago, if you want to. Stick with the local chow!
You're going to make a road trip to Key West while you're there. I can't talk you out of it. But be aware that the best part of a drive to Key West is the drive itself. A couple of the cooler things to see include the Seven Mile Bridge (you guessed it, it's that friggin' long) and Bahia Honda State Park, which is home to some of the best lobstering around, and also to some of the most friendly nurse sharks. Just don't tick them off; while they sound harmless, they can latch onto you and chew a hole in your chest. Captain Don told me a story about a diver who had to be taken to the hospital with a nurse shark attached to his rib cage, because they couldn't pry the shark off. Try explaining that to your insurance company!
If you are fortunate enough to make this trip sometime, I hope you enjoy it. The Upper Keys are a wealth of things to see and do. Check out these websites for more information:
The Island Bay Resort:
www.islandbayresort.com
John Pennekamp State Park:
www.pennekamp.com
Quicksilver Reef Charters:
www.quicksilversnorkel.com
Best place on the web to gear up for this trip:
www.diversdirect.com
And, as always, please feel free to direct your comments and opinions to the author at: