Bullz-Eye Round Table: Hottest Superhero Love Interest
It ain’t a superhero movie without a damsel in distress, and since women come in all shapes, sizes and colors, it would make sense that some members of the BE round table would find beauty in what others consider to be the unlikeliest of places. Read on as we weigh in on crazies, redheads and women without lips, and the superheroes who love them.
David: I'm going to start by citing one of the worst superhero movies ever made: Elle Macpherson in “Batman & Robin.” She's on-screen for, what, ten seconds? Doesn't matter. She's Elle Macpherson. Boom shacka lacka lacka lacka. Top that, suckaz.
Jeff: I'd go so far as to say she's the only thing worth seeing in that movie, but I wiped all traces of it from my memory long ago. One of the worst superhero movies ever made? You're too kind.
Will: I’ll see your bad superhero movie – and lest we undersell this description, let’s clarify that not only is it one of the worst superhero movies ever made, it’s officially one of the worst movies ever made, period – and raise you Jennifer Connelly in “Hulk.” Although I personally really loved the movie, I know just about everyone disagrees with me, so it’s a fair follow-up to “Batman and Robin,” I think.
Jason: Agreed, and in sticking with the theme of bad movies with hot love interests, how could we possibly leave out Jennifer Garner in "Daredevil"? I'll take a pre-Affleck Garner in skintight red leather any day.
David: Sadly, all of the fanciful, pre-Affleck thoughts I ever had about Jennifer Garner have long been stripped from my memory banks. How about a shout-out for Michelle Pfeiffer in “Batman Returns”? Me, ow.
Jason: Pfeiffer as Catwoman is not only the ultimate superhero love interest pick of the century, but I honestly don't know how else to top it.
David: What, no love for Margot Kidder?
Will: Margot Kidder lost a lot of points when she went bat-shit crazy in the ‘90s. It’s hard to even look at her without thinking of that. But if we’re talking Superman flicks, how about Annette O’Toole in “Superman III” as Lana Lang? I’ve always been a sucker for a redhead. (Just try not to think about the whole oedipal dynamic of O’Toole going on to play Ma Kent in “Smallville.”)
Jason: I seriously hope that you're joking. As far as I'm concerned, Margot Kidder is the Anti-Christ to the word sexy, let alone a discussion about hottest superhero love interests. If there was anyone to nominate that I actually thought had a chance to match up to Pfieffer, it would be Kirsten Dunst. Call me crazy, I know, but while she's just a terrible, terrible actress, I can't help drooling every time I see her.
Jeff: Kirsten Dunst? None for me, thanks. I prefer women with upper lips.
David: One, yes, I was joking. Two, DUNST? I was saving her for the Katie Holmes portion of the program. Will, if you're so into redheads, how are you overlooking Nicole Kidman's Chase Meridian? Man, what is it with me and the “Batman” movies...
Will: I am in no way overlooking her; Nicole was definitely in top form in that flick…even if Val Kilmer wasn’t. (You just wait ‘til we get into our discussion of the best and worst Batman portrayals!)
Bill: Jennifer Connelly wins this hands down. Kidder and Dunst don't even deserve to be in this conversation; they have the collective effect of going down a water slide in 50-degree water.
Will: Jennifer Connelly…well, what was I thinking? She actually gets double points, as she was even more smokin’ hot as the love interest in “The Rocketeer”!
Jason: See, normally I'm a sucker for Connelly, but she's so tame in "Hulk" that it's hard to catapult her in front of more deserving candidates.
Bill: Plus “The Rocketeer” was better than “Hulk,” so this is a nice case building for Connelly.
Jeff: Yes. Connelly in “The Rocketeer.” I look at her now and weep for those lost curves...All this talk of shitty superhero movies with hot chicks in them, and nobody's mentioned Jessica Alba in “Not-So-Fantastic Four” yet?
Jason: Holy crap. How did we forget about Alba? It seems we have a winner folks, though I don't exactly agree with your assessment of the film. Then again, that's a debate for another day.
Will: So when we’re talking love interests, can we safely bring both Famke Janssen and Anna Paquin into this discussion? Because, technically, they’re both heroes AND love interests of heroes; Jean Grey (Janssen) in that love triangle with Cyclops and Wolverine, and Rogue (Paquin) spent some time as Iceman’s significant other…
David: I want to have Famke Janssen's children.
Will: And in one simple seven-word sentence, we answer the question, “Hey, how come David’s wife isn’t in on this discussion?”
Jason: Janssen's definitely a viable candidate – especially since I can't but think Jean Grey is a wild child in bed (maybe that has something to do with her role in "GoldenEye"?) – but Paquin is child's play.
Will: I hear ya on Famke; in fact, I just got a shiver thinking about her best moments in “GoldenEye.” But I still stand by Paquin. I think it’s the white streak in the hair. Well, that and the fact that she’s just crazy cute. (I have a long-standing reputation of finding cuteness to be far sexier than just traditional hotness.)
David: Paquin? Perv. Stay the hell away from my kids.
Will: Oh, I’m sorry, were we carding…? Because if we are, then Jessica Alba’s only a year older.
Jason: True, but at least she LOOKS older.
David: We're not really comparing Anna Paquin and Jessica Alba, are we?
Will: Cue the clichéd “apples and oranges” comparison.
David: I was going to say apples and a pack of cigarettes.
Will: Hey, I’m officially putting in a nod for Heather Locklear in “Return of Swamp Thing.” Who’s with me?!?
Jeff: If Locklear gets a nomination, then I say Adrienne Barbeau's breasts should get one for “Swamp Thing.”
Will: Does her brassiere get one for Best Supporting Role? Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m here all week.
David: Get off the stage!