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APRIL: The New May

It wasn’t long ago that May was considered a bit early for the summer movie season to start. This year, we have two big time releases in the last week of April. It won’t be long before the summer movie season lasts all year long. Sounds pretty cool to us.


xXx: State of the Union (Revolution/Columbia)
Actors: Ice Cube, Samuel Jackson, Willem Dafoe, Xzibit, Scott Speedman
Director: Lee Tamahori
Rating: PG-13
Opens: April 29

The Pitch: Vin Diesel is out, and Ice Cube is in as the new XXX, assigned to prevent a splinter cell, led by Willem Dafoe, from overthrowing the US government.
The Buzz: Normally, we’d say that the star and director walking away from a project is a bad thing. But we’re talking about Vin Diesel and Rob Cohen, not DeNiro and Scorsese. Director Lee Tamahori (“Die Another Day”) is better than Cohen, and Cube is a better actor than Diesel. That said, they probably didn’t replace the screenwriter with Quentin Tarantino while they were at it, which is what it would take for this to be anything other than run-of-the-mill action fodder.
Trailer Highlight: Sunny Mabrey. Don’t know who she is, but she’s hot, hot, HOT.
Bottom Line: If you drag your girlfriend to this, she’s dragging you to “Monster-In-Law” two weeks later. And you reaaaaaalllly don’t want to see “Monster-In-Law.”
Official Web Site: SonyPictures.com


The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Touchstone)
Actors: Martin Freeman, Sam Rockwell, Mos Def, Zooey Deschanel, John Malkovich, voices of Alan Rickman and Stephen Fry
Director: Garth Jennings
Rating: PG
Opens: April 29

The Pitch: At long last, the much-loved sci-fi classic hits the big screen, a story that begins when the earth literally ends.
The Buzz: The trailer is fantastic, working both as parody and an effective marketing tool. The only question is whether it’s simply been too long since the book was written more than 25 years ago to relate to today’s here-today-gone-today moviegoers.
Trailer Highlight: Don LaFontaine, the legendary trailer voiceover king, parodying himself, saying he “sounds like a seven foot tall man, who has been smoking cigarettes since childhood.”
Bottom Line: Who cares how long it took to adapt for the big screen. We’re there.
Official Web Site: www.hitchhikers.movies.go.com


MAY: Game on

May contains two of the biggest tent pole weekends of summer moviedom: the first weekend and the third weekend. “Gladiator,” “Twister,” “Spider-Man” and “X2” all opened in the first slot, while the last two “Star Wars” movies and both “Shreks” made huge bank on that weekend before Memorial Day.

As for this year, well, one of those weekends is well spoken for. The other one, in our eyes, is still up for grabs.

The good: "House of Wax" looks hilarious. The bad: It's not a comedy.

House of Wax (Warner Bros.)
Actors: Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Brian Van Holt, Paris Hilton
Director: Jaume Serra
Rating: R
Opens: May 6

The Pitch: A group of college kids run into car trouble in “a town that doesn’t exist on the map” (one can only imagine how hard that line was for Don LaFontaine to say with a straight face), and run afoul of a rather sadistic curator.
The Buzz: Looks hilarious. The jokes about Paris Hilton and a wax replica of Paris Hilton write themselves. And Elisha Cuthbert should fire her agent. Between this and “Girl Next Door,” she has blown every ounce of street cred “24” gave her.
Trailer Highlight: Still trying to figure that one out.
Bottom Line: Rent it when you’re planning an MST3K-type Bad Movie Night. Under no other circumstances should you see it.
Official Web Site: www.houseofwaxmovie.com


Mindhunters (Dimension)
Actors: Val Kilmer, Christian Slater, Jonny Lee Miller, LL Cool J
Director: Renny Harlin
Rating: R
Opens: May 6

The Pitch: A group of FBI profilers go on an elaborate assignment to figure out an imaginary serial killer’s motives, only to realize that this is no mere simulation.
The Buzz: This has reportedly been on Dimension’s shelves for ages, and is likely only seeing the light of day because Disney didn’t know how their divorce from the Weinsteins was going to turn out. The subject matter is about five to seven years out of time, but all you really need to know is that the director is hack Renny Harlin, the Brett Ratner of the ‘90s.
Trailer Highlight: Christian Slater biting it about 30 seconds in. How very Steven Seagal of him.
Bottom Line: We saw this movie 10 years ago. It was called “Se7en.” Go see that instead.
Official Web site: www.mindhunters-thefilm.com


Kingdom of Heaven (20th Century Fox)
Actors: Orlando Bloom, Eva Green, Jeremy Irons, Liam Neeson, Edward Norton, Brendan Gleeson, David Thewlis
Director: Ridley Scott
Rating: N/A
Opens: May 6

The Pitch: A young man (Orlando Bloom) rises to knighthood, falls in love (Eva Green), and must protect Jerusalem during a crusade.
The Buzz: Schwarzenegger first brought up the idea of a Crusades-type epic more than 10 years ago, but it was deemed too expensive. Leave it to Ridley Scott (“Gladiator”) to get something done. The only question is whether audiences are suffering from epic fatigue, after the middling to poor performances of “Troy” and “Alexander.”
Trailer Highlight: The avalanche of fireballs in the nighttime raid.
Bottom Line: Tell you what; you see it first and get back to us.
Official Web Site: www.kingdomofheavenmovie.com

"Hey, look, it's that guy from the Levitra commercials!"

Kicking and Screaming (Universal)
Actors: Will Ferrell, Robert Duvall, Mike Ditka, Kate Walsh
Director: Jesse Dylan
Rating: N/A
Opens: May 13

The Pitch: Ferrell plays Phil Weston, a man whose competitive father (Duvall) trades Ferrell’s soccer-playing son off of his own team. In an act of defiance, Weston decides to coach his son’s new team in order to settle some old scores.
The Buzz: The trailer is not bad, but not that great, either. For someone who is so naturally funny, why is Ferrell having such a hard time finding funny material?
Trailer Highlight: The kids not having any idea who Mike Ditka is, something everyone in the greater Chicago area should take to heart. It was almost 20 years ago. Let it go.
Bottom Line: This will probably make boatloads of money. But so did “Dr. Doolittle.” ‘Nuff said.
Official Web Site: www.kickingandscreamingmovie.com


Unleashed (Focus, May)
Actors: Jet Li, Morgan Freeman, Bob Hoskins, Kerry Condon
Director: Louis Leterrier
Rating: R
Opens: May 13

The Pitch: Li stars as Danny, a man who’s been literally treated like a vicious attack dog his whole life. When he escapes his tormentors and befriends a blind piano tuner (Freeman) and his caretaker (Condon), he must protect his new family from the violent life he once led.
The Buzz: An odd premise, but suddenly palpable when you learn that the writer is Luc Besson (“The Professional”). He has a thing for violence, sure, but never at the expense of the story.
Trailer Highlight: The use of an instrumental version of Muse’s “Apocalypse Please” in the background. It fit the trailer beautifully.
Bottom Line: Jet Li’s American movies both suck and blow as a whole, but this one looks very promising. We just wish they had kept the original title, “Danny the Dog.”
Official Web Site: www.unleashedmovie.com

We love J-Lo's monster booty, but we'll pass on "Monster-In-Law."

Bill Romanowski as an angry football player. Wow, that's a stretch.