by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
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Sniglets. Anybody remember them? They were the brainchild of comedian Rich Hall, who wrote a series of books in the 1980s about them. They are "words that don't appear in the dictionary, but should." To me, this was one of the most brilliant comedic ideas ever. Sniglets were one of my first memories of cable TV when I was a kid. Well, Sniglets and that white trash professional wrestling on WTBS, videotaped in somebody's double-wide in the woods of Georgia. I used to wonder why my Mom didn't want my brothers and me to watch that. Now that I have half a brain, I get it.
Anyways, on to Sniglets. As mentioned, they were the genius work of comedian Rich Hall. He used to go over a few of them during an HBO comedy show called "Not Necessarily the News," a program that puts today's SNL to shame. For those of you who remember, here are a few of them. For those of you who don't, I envy you. These used to make me cry. Especially when Hall would describe them in his deadpan, dry way.
Here are some of my all-time favorites:
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
FACON (fa'kin)- n. The fake bacon bits served at cheap salad bars.
FURBLING (fur'bling) - v. Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.
GERTATIOUS (gur tay' shus) - adj. Having the adolescent fear that hanging one's arm over the bed at night will mean being dragged under.
GRIPTION (grip' shun) - n. The sound of sneakers squeaking against the floor during basketball games.
LODGECOMBING (loj' coh ming) - n. Final reconnaissance before vacating a motel room.
MAGGIT (mag' it) - n. Any of the hundreds of subscription cards that fall from the pages of a magazine.
MUSQUIRT (mus' kwirt) - n. The water that comes out of the initial squirts of a squeeze mustard bottle.
OPTORTIONIST (op tor' shun ist) - n. The kid in school who can turn his eyelids inside out.
RIGNITION (rig ni' shun) - n. The embarrassing action of trying to start one's car with the engine already running.
SNACKTREK (snak'trek)- n. The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.
TWINCH (twinch) - n. The movement a dog makes with its head when it hears a high-pitched noise.
YINKEL (yin'kul)- n. A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.
Now this is a sports column, so why I am discussing Sniglets? Because I have some SPORTS Sniglets for your enjoyment. As always, send me your favorites and we will revisit this subject often.
With further delay, here you are. These are my sports Sniglets:
SLUTATOR (slut'ta'tor) n. The scantily clad floozy the cameraman at a game is obsessed with in hopes of getting laid as he pans to her during any break in the action. She is usually accompanied by a mullet-wearing freak that was given free tickets and is more into the alcohol that he is consuming like no tomorrow than he is into the slutator.
ZEBRATARD (ze'bra'tard) n. The football official who blows an obvious call and then, while being skewered by fans, coaches and players for his utter stupidity, runs over to the rest of the officials, whereupon they convene a summit to make it appear as though they are discussing the call when in reality they are staring at each other like morons.
ZEBRATARDTTORNEY (ze'bra'tard'tor'ney) n. The announcer who defends the zebratard, no matter how brutally bad the call was, by saying things like, "It's a tough job being an official"…or "He was closest to the play, he probably saw it differently."
WINDSPRINTCORKY (wind'sprint'cor'key) n. The slow, fat kid on your football team who always brings up the rear during wind sprints. Invariably, the coaches and other players cheer him on like he's running the Boston Marathon as he struggles with heat stroke and obesity to finish without passing out. Then, when he finally does roll over the finish line, there is nothing but adulation for him, and the coach, in his post practice remarks, tells the team how tenacious the sloth is.
DICKONNENT (dik'own'ent) n. The player on the opposing team in a home stadium who draws the home crowd's ire for celebrating just a little too much after making a play, thus causing the fans to boo whenever he makes any more plays or his name is announced.
CELLIDIOT (sel'i'dee'it) n. The person in the stands of a sporting event who happens to be in view of just about every camera angle and, when realizing this, picks up her cellphone and calls somebody and tells them to turn on the game, whereupon she furiously waves, thus distracting viewers from the game action.
COACHCLAUS (coach'klaws) n. The first or third base coach at a baseball game who throws free balls into the stands for kids anytime he gets near one.
MADDENBITCH (mad'den'bitch) n. The player John Madden points out early in the game and then proceeds to talk about, in annoyingly adoring terms, for the duration of the game. By the end of the contest, you are rooting for this player to somehow screw up to hear Madden try to explain how this perfect human can do anything wrong on the football field.
FANTAHOLIC (fan'tuh'haw'lik) n. The buddy of yours who is now more obsessed and into his fantasy team and/or gambling than he is into the team you both grew up living and dying with every weekend.
SEHORNKOVA (see'horn'ko'vuh) n. A professional athlete whose talent is far outweighed by good looks and marketability.
POSTALOACH (po'stuh'loach) n. The manager or coach who is wound up way too tight, and is constantly on the verge of a total public meltdown.
VENDORMEDIAN (ven'dor'meed'di'um) n. The stadium vendor who enjoys his job a little too much and takes it upon himself to crack jokes, yell too loudly, and use terms other than the usual to describe the crap he's peddling, causing minor snickers in his section, especially to those who are first-time sporting event visitors.
PREMABALKERS (pree'mu'bauk'ers) n. The fans at a baseball game who scream out "BALK" and then boo when an umpire doesn't call balk at the perfectly legal act of the pitcher faking a throw to first and then whirling to either second or third to fake another throw.
CAMERAMISSIOT (kam'mer'a'mis'ee'it) n. The camera man at a football game who is fooled by the fake hand-off and follows the RB without the ball as he makes it through the line and starts blocking a LB, thus causing you or someone you're with to miss the play and make a "nice camera work" remark.
SEATTAKERPRISE (seet'tak'er'suh'priz) v. The display of acting surprised when the real ticket holder of the seats you're sitting in comes there to claim them; meanwhile, you look at your cheap ticket stub, look at the section, look at the real ticket holder's stub, then get up and walk away, apologizing to the real seat owner for your "mistake."
There you go. Hopefully I didn't offend anybody today…I look forward to hearing your Sports sniglets.
See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com,
and e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org!
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