"21 Questions" by 50 Cent|
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
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A few columns ago, I referred to my favorite rapper, 50 Cent, and I told you about the not so intentional comedy emanating from this gangsta rapper thug and how much fun it is to listen to his "lyrics" ("I love you like a fat kid love cake…").
Well, ladies, I am taking it a step further for you this week. I am going to give you some of these hilarious lyrics and I will attempt to use them in a sports-related theme -- all for your entertainment value. Is this a great Website or what?
While preparing for this column, I searched for a 50 Cent site that listed the words to his rap songs. If you haven't been to his official site
(50cent.com), you have to check it out. I am thinking about adding it to the sports links on Sportsterminal even though it has nothing to do with sports because it's so typical of what you think a gangster rapper thug site would be like. Upon entering the site, 50 Cent greets you with his gun pointed at you and then he shoots and the page shakes violently…followed by the sound of an empty bullet casing hitting the ground…I ask you -- does it get
any better than that? I don't think so. By the way, I often wonder why he chose "50" Cent over "75" Cent or "99" Cent…. I wonder if "50" is some type of ghetto slang that signifies something important to the gangstas? Why not "1" Cent? These are the types of questions that keep me tossing and turning at night.
Back to the lyrics. I chose the rap "21 Questions" for this exercise. 50 asks a lot of pertinent questions in this rap "song" (is that what you call it?) and I am going to share them with you now and give you the sports figures that came to my twisted mind when I heard this genius piece of work.
Let's get rolling -- one of the first questions 50 Cent asks his "bitch" is this:
50 asks "If I didn't smell so good, would you still hug me?"
This goes out to the Euros in the NBA -- players such as Nowitzki, Ilgauskas, Gasol, Stojakovic, Ming, George, Ginobili, Hilario…the list goes on and on. Some people are lamenting the fact that the NBA is going after the Euros but I think it's fine -- if they can play the game, who cares about their personal hygiene? I sure don't. I'll "still hug 'em."
50 asks "If I got locked up and sentenced to a quarter century, could I count on you to be there to support me mentally?
Nate Newton, Rae Carruth, and the majority of the NBA came to mind with this one. These dudes are highly-paid athletes, playing at the highest level, and they are doing stuff like…transporting a ton of weed, hiring hit men to kill their wives, smoking a ton of weed, beating their wives, nailing any cheap crack whore groupie they can get their hands on, getting in bar fights…I mean, is it
that difficult to stay out of legal trouble these days? I have some advice for the pro athlete -- work out, get to practice on time, save the weed smoking for the offseason vaca to Amsterdam, bang only after she says "yes," drink a few beers at home rather than the club, play a little Xbox, and enjoy the fact that you don't have to work for a living and for this you are making millions…. Take this advice and instead of seeing you behind bars, your fans will see you on the field. As Sportsterminal host David Stein would say, "BABAM!"
50 asks "If I was hit and I was hurt would you be on my side?"
Tim Couch asked this question, and there was a resounding "No" by Browns fans. I'm sure you remember -- the Browns were playing the Ravens last season and Couch was in the middle of one of the worst games in his mediocre career when he got knocked on his can. While laying on the field, injured, the fans saw Kelly Holcomb warming up and cheered for him (the majority did, at least…) and little Timmy (who is making 50 million bucks, by the way) literally cried about it in the locker room after the game. I have no problem with men crying -- but for the love of God, please do it privately! You are the quarterback, Tim. You are supposed to be the leader and you're crying like a schoolgirl who just skinned her knee. Boy, what confidence you have inspired in your teammates! Just for doing this Couch should have been benched. Thicken the skin, Kentucky boy. You won't last long in this league with a crybaby attitude.
50 asks "If it was time to put in work, would you be down to ride?"
First of all, for all of you out there who are not up to speed on your ghetto slang, these days, "putting in work" means having sexual relations. For the purposes of this column, though, we'll take this literally to mean "working." This line goes out to
all of the underachievers in sports -- guys like Robbie Alomar, Mo Vaughn…hell, let's just say the Mets! They have one of the largest payrolls in baseball, play in the biggest market in the U.S., are flush with cash…and yet they totally suck! Give me a hungry, aggressive, hard-working, less-talented group of athletes any day over the highly paid prima donnas that fill up the Mets' roster. Art Howe better get those boys to start "putting in the work."
50 asks "And in bed, if I used my tongue, would you like that?"
I really don't have any sports theme to go along with this one -- I just figured I'd throw it out there.
50 asks "Now would you leave me if your father found out I was thuggin'?"
This one goes out to party boy Larry Eustachy. The married, 47-year-old former Iowa State coach would stay on campus and party with students after games -- on the road no less. This guy was thuggin' -- partying it up with young females and beer-guzzling frat boys while his wife was at home thinking her husband was on the road missing her. I wonder if her father knew? He'll have a lot of time to think about it now that he's unemployed. I wonder if it was worth it to him?
50 asks "Are you mad 'cause I'm asking you 21 questions?"
This one is appropriate for the press and Rasheed Wallace. The guy gives one word, simplistic answers to questions, mumbles, and has such a disdain for everything that goes along with being an NBA player that it's obvious he is not at all thankful for the opportunity he's been given. I know it's probably kind of a pain to have to sit there and answer questions after every game, but I don't know anybody who doesn't dislike at least one minor (or major) aspect of their job. We just want some answers to some stupid questions, Rasheed -- humor us, please.
50 asks "Do you trust me enough to tell me your dreams? I'm staring at ya' trying to figure out how you got in them jeans."
Look, I can honestly say that I don't watch the show "American Idol." I don't have any problem with somebody else watching this show, but it just ain't my thing, baby. The problem is that every radio station, every other show I watch, and just about everybody else talks about it. So even if you don't watch it, you know what's going on with it -- which I did when the finale came down to a battle between Barry Manilow's illegitimate son and ReRun from "What's Happening"…with ReRun winning. What ever happened to "rock stars"? These days, the American Idol choices we have consist of a skinny little Fem with a creepy southern accent and a 500-pound brother who I would rather have as a bouncer at my club than singing sweet tunes. They both had dreams of being the next American Idol, but when I saw the recap of the show, all I could think of is how the hell ReRun "got into 'dem jeans"….
50 asks "If I was with some other chick and someone happened to see, and when you asked me about it I said it wasn't me, would you believe me? Or up and leave me? How deep is our bond if that's all it takes for you to be gone?"
This one goes out to the longtime former coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide, Mike
Price. At first, I thought what Price did was actually not that big of a deal. What heterosexual man doesn't enjoy the sight of good-looking naked women at a strip club? That's nothing to be ashamed of -- it's normal. What is not normal is to use horrid judgment, which Price did when he invited the skanks back to his hotel room and left them in there while he went to a golf fundraiser…everybody knows that strippers like, and more importantly,
need money. Who pays for their boob jobs? We do! Who pays for their crack? We do! Who pays for their daily six-hour tanning sessions? We do! Who pays for the food that feeds their numerous illegitimate children? That's right -- we do. To leave not one but
two strippers in your hotel room alone is downright stupid. It shows horrible judgment. Who knows what kind of decision Price would have made late in a tight game? Alabama was right to "up and leave him."
That's all for today, my peeps. I leave you with this:
"Could you love me in a Bentley? Could you love me on a bus? I'll ask 21 questions, and they all about us."
See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com,
and e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org!
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