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Santa's sports gifts
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
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It's that time of year again, ladies and gentlemen -- it's
Christmas…(is it just me or does this Holiday get to be more of a pain in the ass with each passing year?)
Since this is a sports Website and I am a writer, I am going to fatten myself up, whiten my hair and be the Big Sports Santa.
Here are my gifts for all the nice boys and girls in the sports industry….
For Warren Sapp: A big fat muzzle to put over his big fat mouth.
For Martha Burk: A visit to a battered women's shelter so this man-hating dyke can open her eyes to the real problems facing women today.
For Hootie Johnson: An oversized jockstrap to protect the huge balls he has.
For Tiger Woods: A big fat Cuban Cohiba cigar as a thank-you gesture for standing up to the politically-correct jack-booted thugs running around our country.
For Tim Couch: A box of tissues.
For Mike Holmgren: A Brett Favre clone.
For Najeh Davenport: Adult diapers.
For Cleveland Indians' owner Larry Dolan: Cash.
For Jim Thome: An Eagles' helmet to protect him from Philly fans who will attack him after his usual slow start next season.
For LeBron James: A meeting with Marcus Liberty, Stanley Roberts and Harold Miner -- three more "can't miss" prospects who did.
For Michael Jordan: Condoms and better negotiating skills.
For Bill Walton: A new set of choppers.
For Mark Cuban: A decent haircut.
For Dick Vitale: Knee pads for his visits with Coach K and Duke fans.
For Tiger Woods' new girlfriend: Nothing. She's perfect.
For Rush Limbaugh: Truth serum. What the hell was he thinking when he posed for a picture with the most evil bitch alive, Hillary Clinton?
For Shaquille O'Neal: A new toe.
For Pete Rose: A job as a radio host on the new Sportsterminal Network.
For ESPN: A return to the 1980s -- when they truly were the sports giant.
For Stuart Scott: Another visit to a N.Y. Jets practice.
For Jay Leno: Better writers.
For Deion Sanders: Hooked-on Phonics.
For Anna Kournikova: Thongs from Victoria's Secret to wear under her tennis skirt.
For potential boxers: Tapes of interviews, in chronological order, with Evander Holyfield for each year since 1984 -- the deterioration in his motor skills is frightening (almost as frightening as the e-mails I am sure to receive from this column).
For Dick Button: A big beautiful crown for this big Queen.
For NFL Referees: Brains. Full-time jobs. Brains. Did I mention brains?
For Pat Summerall: A condo at Del-Boca Vista.
Finally, for all my readers:
Nothing but fun and happiness this Christmas season -- and yes, I still call it CHRISTMAS!
See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com,
and e-mail him at shawng@sportsterminal.com!
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