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What I learned...
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
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I love Esquire magazine. I always thought it was one of those girly rags like
Details or GQ, but then, over the summer, I read a piece in Esquire by one of my all-time favorite actors, Alphonse Pacino, and I was hooked. To me,
Esquire is much more sophisticated than magazines such as Maxim or
FHM. Now, don't get me wrong here -- I still enjoy Maxim immensely. I am not quite sure if there is better bathroom reading than
Maxim.
The problem, you ask?
It just doesn't stimulate my mind. There, I said it. I'm sure the women in my life would be proud of me for admitting this fact. "It's been a long time, but maybe Shawn is starting to mature," they'll say. I honestly would not have been able to say something like that a couple years ago. But now I can.
I am going to use an educational analogy to compare men's magazines. Let's start with elementary school. The comparable magazine would have to be
Mad. On to junior high school -- ESPN the Magazine comes to mind. I would have loved that mag in junior high -- now I find it very difficult to read. High school? This is where
Maxim comes to mind. College? Has to be Esquire. Grad School? Without a doubt,
Playboy. Community college would be smut such as Hustler or Cherry. Before I go off on a porn tangent, let's get back to my point, if you're still with me. (As I wrote that I just realized that I haven't seen or heard from Ross Perot in years -- is he on a space mission or something?)
Esquire is a good read because of features such as the one I am going to copy here in my little Internet column.
Each issue includes a piece by a celebrity using their own words to describe their own thoughts on various aspects of life. It's called, "What I Learned." These pieces consist of just a sentence or two but it's much more interesting than listening to them being interviewed by an asswipe such as Jay Leno. I loved this idea so much that I decided to use it in this column.
Look at this as a more sophisticated "Random Thoughts and Observations," if you will.
"What I Learned"
Warren Sapp is a fat piece of crap.
Being gay doesn't automatically make you a hero, in my eyes.
I still believe that if you aspire to be a referee in the NFL, you are probably an unathletic jock wannabe who can't wait to assert your power over something or somebody.
I absolutely despise Alec Baldwin.
You simply can't have more than one favorite team in each sport -- those who do aren't true fans.
I think Hootie Johnson has the balls that most men these days gave up in the 1960s.
Whoever calls television the "idiot box" has never watched C-Span or the History Channel. (I know -- it's weak, but I felt the need to address it.)
Art Modell should be permanently banned from ever being considered for the Pro Football Hall of Fame. What he did to millions of fans hurt the sport more than anything Pete Rose ever did to baseball fans.
Just as I don't understand white guys with hair who shave it all off, I don't get black guys with tattoos.
What happened to the NBA game I grew up loving? It's now full of fundamentally challenged thugs.
I used to think Peter Angelos was the worst owner in baseball. Not anymore. Say hello to Larry Dolan. It's almost like somebody challenged him to see how many future Hall-of-Famers he could get rid of in a span of two seasons and he foolishly took them up on the offer.
Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson do more to hurt their cause than anybody. I truly believe that the good Lord won't condemn you to hell if you entertain yourself by putting a few bucks on a football game.
Baseball owners aren't exactly endearing themselves to fans by their new ticket-pricing scheme. Charging more for weekend games or games against better teams is a scummy way to put a few extra bucks in your pocket. Maybe the players' union had a point.
Why is it so difficult to put together a college football championship game? After all the Bowl games, you take the top-two teams and play them in the College Super Bowl…oops, sorry, NFL lawyers -- I mean, the College "Big Game."
If Dwight Clark ever gets an NFL front office job again, I am officially submitting my resume to every NFL team. The dude had the first overall pick in not one, but TWO drafts, and found a way to find not one, but TWO busts in Tim Couch and Courtney Brown. Good job, pretty boy.
Looks like it's back to bagging groceries and defending his wife against lesbian accusations for Kurt Warner.
I am starting to believe that I have to find a woman who loves sports or I will never be happily married.
My fantasy teams have sucked this NFL season. It's made the season quite boring for me.
If it wasn't for gambling, nobody except the parents of the players would watch a college football game between Fresno State and Louisiana Tech.
No sports commentator today could hold Howard Cosell's jockstrap.
The greatest bachelor party would have to include Howard Stern's
Beetlejuice.
Without Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld is just Ray Romano -- funny but not a comedic genius.
See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com,
and e-mail him at shawng@sportsterminal.com!
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