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"SpEntertainment"
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
Pg 1 of 1
 



In a growing trend that I find utterly disturbing, I opened up my sports rag the other day and it was defaced with, for lack of a better term, garbage. I find that this is occurring more and more often these days. What happened to the days when my sports page only included football, baseball, basketball, tennis and golf? Now I have to sift through something called “extreme sports,” women’s basketball, figure skating, curling, etc....

So instead of simply complaining about this, I decided to take some action. 

Here is my proposal:

It’s time to add a new section to the newspaper to deal with this infringement upon the rights of true “sports” fans. That’s right -- a new section. I am going to call it “SpEntertainment.” 

What will the new “SpEntertainment” section include? 

Extreme Sports

Remember those freaks in high school who would dress in black and skateboard around town, pretending to be anti-establishment punks? Well, they are now mainstream. The “Gravity Games” are here and NBC, in cahoots with your local sports page, is shoving it down our throats like it’s something more than a bunch of little untalented nitwits rolling around on their skateboards.

Now, before all of you skateboard fans out there get your thesaurus ready as you angrily write me an e-mail…I want you to know that if you like this kind of stuff, fine. I just don’t want it plastered all over my sports page and my television, as though it’s simply another sport. Okay? It’s not. Anybody can roll around on a skateboard. It’s just that many of us outgrow this adolescent urge. 

So go back to listening to Rage Against the Machine, smoking your dope, and overall, not contributing anything to society. Just take your tattoo-defaced bodies off my sports page.

Synchronized Swimming

How about the USA Today sports page a few weeks ago? I open it up to a photo of a clown named Bill May, who is attempting to break into that sport that all of us male weekend athletes dream about -- synchronized swimming. You see, men, historically, haven’t had any desire to prance around in a pool -- until now. Meet Billy May. A 23-year-old synchronized swimmer, he has chosen the sing-along crescendos of The Impossible Dream for his solo routine this year. I am not sure if the title of that song is referring to his fledgling synchronized swimming career or thoughts of his penis ever getting excited at the sight of a woman. "There are thoughts. It's not just me. Every athlete has them. You know, 'Is it really worth it?'" May says. Well, Billy, let me answer that for you. No, it’s not worth it, unless you want to be subject to ridicule for the rest of your life or if you want your name, Bill May, to turn into an adjective to describe a male wimp. As I was reading this, I couldn’t help but think that this was some kind of joke. But it wasn’t. Next time one of your friends does something “not so masculine,” feel free to call him a Billy May. 

Figure Skating

Plastered all over my sports page last week was the story of how some Russian mobster attempted to fix the figure skating results at the last Winter Olympics. All I have to say is, “Who cares?” Figure skating is not a sport. It’s a nice activity for women. I am absolutely convinced that if you took a male at the age of six, with average athletic ability, and trained him eight hours a day like those freak parents do, that he would be in the Olympics by the age of 18. This is one of my all-time truths, so don’t dispute it. By the way, I love how they show the parents during the skater’s performance. They ask them questions like, “So how does it feel to have your son (or daughter) skating out there in front of millions of people in the Olympics?” They should let me handle one of these interviews. If there was a male skater out there, I would ask the father, “So, how proud are you now that you raised a son less masculine than a 10-year-old girl?” Or, “You seem happy now, but what are you going to do in five years when she’s in rehab after spending a few nights in jail, an emotional and physical mess because you wouldn’t let her grow up like a normal kid because of your personal feelings of totally inadequacy?” I used to enjoy watching women figure skaters at the Olympics because they were nice to gaze at. Not anymore. These girls are too young to even look at without the police opening a file on you. I don’t even attempt it anymore. And the male figure skating spectacle? I watch it for its comedic value, the same reason I watch MTV’s "The Real World." To see those “males” gliding across the ice like modern-day Liberaces brought tears of pure enjoyment to my eyes. I still remember telling my brother, “I think the women were more masculine than the guys.” Those are the Olympic moments I remember.

The WNBA

I am sorry, but it’s time we took a cold, hard look at this joke called the WNBA. Without the support of the NBA, this league would have folded faster than it takes an NBA player to father 23 children with 21 different women. At breakfast last week, as I took the first gulp of my Post Golden Crisp (that wholesome puffed wheat cereal) with skim milk, I opened up to that all important story of L.A. Sparks center Lisa Leslie completing the first dunk in WNBA history. Again, I thought, does anybody really care? Am I totally nuts here in saying, “Who gives a crap?” Then I read coach Michael Cooper’s, “We should have won that game on the dunk alone” quote. Sickening. Not only did I have to suffer through that story on my sports page, but I also had to see it in my weekly issue of Sports Illustrated. In a kiss-ass piece, the writer took great pains to tell us readers a bunch of, well...nothing. After reading this piece, I realized this writer wanted so badly to write a good piece on the fledgling league, but she couldn’t find much more than the ticket prices are cheap so families enjoy going to the games. But then she had to go on to say that this ticks their lesbian fan base off.... God forbid we have families at the WNBA Games because that means that males might be there…those man-hating, adolescent boy-looking crowds of lesbians won't go anywhere near the arena if men are there…shame on the WNBA for proposing a Family Night. 

If you like these activities, that’s wonderful. I am proposing this for YOU. Your new section will include the stories I listed above, professional wrestling...anything that the real sports editor deems “SpEntertainment” rather than a true Sport. 

Just get the hell off my sports section.


See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com, and e-mail him at shawng@sportsterminal.com



Other Columns By Shawn Griffin

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