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It's the Orange Vest Brigade!
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
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It's mid-Summer now. The road construction that has been going on since late-April is halfway done. The "Orange Vest Brigade," those burly men and women who have graced our well-traveled streets the last few months, causing us hours of traffic delays while they stand around with their heads up their asses, will soon go back to whatever the heck they do in the winter. I am going to take a wild guess and assume that it probably includes a lot of hours at the local dive bar, trips to the local Asian health spa and intelligent conversations with Vinnie, their local Union representative. I mean, how come it takes four months to re-pave a quarter mile of the street? I guess rolling into work hung over after a night of seeing how many beers your body can accept before rejection, taking three-hour breaks, taking a two-hour "liquid-lunch" break, then bailing around 4:15 in the afternoon after another unproductive day has something to do with this mystery.
This got me to thinking -- who would be a part of the Orange Vest Brigade in baseball? You know what I am talking about, the athletes who underachieve, annoy you for their ineptness, and basically collect a paycheck for doing pretty much nothing. In baseball, you could field a team with guys like this. You could even find a manager, GM and an owner…so without further delay, in the words of Pink, let's get this party started!
1B: Sean Casey, Reds. Casey was supposed to be Mark Grace with power. Instead, he's hitting like one of Mark Grace's many female conquests. He's batting .264 with five home runs and 37 RBI. Ouch. Those are not good numbers for one of the nicest guys in baseball, which is Casey's reputation. Give me an a-hole hitting .300 over a nice guy hitting .264 any day of the week.
2B: Robbie Alomar, Mets. I can still hear the arrogant Steve Phillips smirking and the Met fans crowing that they just screwed the Tribe. A future Hall of Famer for three prospects and Matt Lawton? What was Indians' GM Mark Shapiro smoking? Apparently nothing. Billy Traber, one of the prospects the Indians acquired, is on fire; meanwhile Sweet Feet Alomar is hitting .276 with eight homers and 37 RBI. And guess who's on the trading block? That's right -- Sweet Feet. How sweet is that for Tribe fans?
SS: Jimmy Rollins, Phillies. Jimmy is doing his best impression of Pokey Reese. I have a philosophy that any player who doesn't wear his hat straight, like it should be, will not have a good career. I will never forget all of the accolades Reese was receiving as the Reds' second sacker. Two years later, he was waived by the Red Sox and is now in Pittsburgh, nothing more than a mediocre middle infielder. Jimmy is following in his footsteps. Last year he was the second coming of Barry Larkin. This year, he's hitting a paltry .243, leading the underachieving Phillies out of the pennant race and into the dumper.
3B: Jeff Cirillo, Mariners. I have another philosophy -- if you are a hitter and you play in Colorado, don't ever leave that state. If you do, your average will drop considerably. Say hello to Jeff Cirillo. He leaves the Rockies for Seattle, where he's hitting .239 with a meager six homers and 42 RBI. Good move, Jeff. Welcome to the real world. No more Rocky Mountain air to inflate your batting average by a hundred points.
OF: Moises Alou, Cubs. The injury-prone Alou was signed to a multi-million dollar deal by the Cubs, and in between stints on the DL, he's hitting .240 with nine homers. That sucks.
Tsuyoshi Shinjo, Giants. Comparing the Japanese imports to imported cars from the Land of the Rising Sun, if Ichiro is an Infiniti, then Shinjo is a 15-year-old Honda Civic with 200,000 miles on it. After experimenting with him at leadoff, Dusty Baker finally realized what many in Japan already knew -- Shinjo just isn't that good. He's hitting .237 with eight home runs. I've had sushi with better stats than that.
Chuck Knoblauch, Royals. Chuck is about as done as a porn star in a 500-man gang bang. He has nothing left. What were the Royals thinking? He's hitting .180 and has a .261 on-base percentage. Chuck is a living, breathing, walking example of why baseball is such a joke. The part-time cotton candy vendor at Kauffman Stadium is more valuable than this guy. You gotta love those guaranteed contracts. Thanks for nothing, Chuckie.
DH: Frank Thomas, White Sox. The Big Skirt is batting a pathetic .249 with 17 homers. Besides those brutal numbers, he sulks in the clubhouse like a jilted schoolgirl. He can't be traded because he's making too much money. If this guy IS somehow traded, it will be the best trade since the Cavs traded fat boy Father-of-the-Year Shawn Kemp to Portland. Stick a fork in this overpaid Baby Huey.
C: Einar Diaz, Indians. He was supposed to be one the best younger catchers in baseball after last season. So how does he follow it up? He comes through this season with a horrid .218 batting average and 13 RBI. He makes Indians fans yearn for the days of Andy Allanson.
Starting pitching staff: Todd Ritchie, White Sox. He is traded by the Pirates to the Sox for Josh Fogg and Kip Wells. He was supposed to be at worst a number three starter, at best a front of the rotation guy. Instead, he is looking to become the first starter since Brian Kingman to LOSE 20 games in a season. Gotta love that.
Mike Mussina, Yankees. The guy has a 4.40 ERA with the Yankees. Enough said.
Mike Hampton, Rockies. This guy's career fell faster than the career of any of the former cast members of MTV's "The Real World." Just a couple seasons ago, he was the best left-handed starter in the game. Today, he's just another example of why a pitcher should make sure that the Rockies are on their list of teams they can't be traded to, sign with, or be drafted by. Message to pitchers: Avoid Colorado like it's a male figure skater and you are a reformed homosexual.
Chan Ho Park, Rangers. Chan Ho signed a $65 million deal with the Rangers. To show his appreciation, he's 3-5 with a 6.75 ERA. If you are a Ranger fan, you are praying for a strike right now.
Frank Castillo, Red Sox. He's 5-11 with a 5.10 ERA. At least Pedro has Derek Lowe. Instead of Pedro and four stiffs, it's now Pedro, Derek and three stiffs.
Closer: Keith Foulke, White Sox. He went from one of the game's best closers to a $6-million-a-year mop-up man. He's not even good enough to be a set-up guy. These are not good times on the South Side.
Manager: Jerry Manuel, White Sox. I haven't seen this much talent wasted since Lisa Marie Presley married Michael Jackson. They have one of the best hitting teams in the league, a decent starting staff, average bullpen…and they find themselves 14 games out of first place. Nice job, Jerry, way to make the 11 loyal White Sox fans proud.
GM: John Hart, Rangers. This guy made his last good deal when Britney Spears was just an illegal thought in our heads. Since then, he's traded Brian Giles for a situational lefty, traded Steve Karsay and Steve Reed for John Rocker (then was stupid enough to re-acquire the head case this past offseason), traded Richie Sexson for Bob Wickman and garbage, signed Chan Ho Park to a huge deal, traded Carlos Pena…the list goes on and on. Sorry, Texas, but Hart's star faded long ago. Now you are just left with a moron.
Owner: Larry Dolan, Indians. Here is a list to all prospective owners on what NOT to do if you ever buy a baseball team:
1. Don't publicly tell your fans that your team won't contend for another three to four years. It's okay if you think this, but not okay if you say it.
2. Don't tell your fans that you are building a team around pitching and defense, then proceed to trade away a 29-year-old ace and a 10-time Gold Glove winner.
3. Don't threaten fans with a lower payroll if attendance falls off, especially when you don't drop ticket prices while fielding a Triple-A team.
4. Don't buy a baseball team unless it's just a hobby.
Hey, at least Al Lerner owns your football team….
There you have it. Baseball's version of the "Orange Vest Brigade."
Now get to WORK!
See more of Shawn at SportsTerminal.com,
and e-mail him at shawng@sportsterminal.com!
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