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Random thoughts on the world, sports…and viewer e-mails
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
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There are certain times when you simply can't come up with a coherent, cohesive, smooth column. I'm sure some of you would argue that this is normal for me, that most of my columns are that way. Very funny.
So what do you do when this happens? You read some of your favorite e-mails, come up with random lists, and write down random thoughts all in the hopes of entertaining you people out there. Will it work? It's doubtful. But what the hell…I'll try.
Here we go.
Of course, most of you out there are closely following the U.S. war on terrorism. Not to make light of this serious issue, but realizing that the Immigration service didn't do their jobs and let these worthless dregs onto our shores, I have a message for any of you foreigners out there who would like to move to America and be an American.
There are three things you should do before coming here:
1) Learn to read, write and speak English. If I have to spend one more second advising the ATM machine that I would prefer the instructions in English rather than some foreign language, I am going to shoot myself.
2) Learn some type of trade before stepping foot in the USA. Be a garbage man, an indentured prostitute, a sports columnist…anything but sucking off the hard work of us Americans who pay just about every penny we earn to the government so they can subsidize the non-producers of society.
3) If you are thinking of buying or renting a single-family home in our fine country, that does not mean that you can let 235 of your closest relatives and friends live in that single-family home with you. Also, make sure you buy a nice lawn mower and get into the habit of cutting grass at least once a week.
I'm sure some of you foreigners and even some of my fellow Americans aren't going to be happy with my suggestions. My reply? I don't have one yet, maybe by the end of this column I will.
Somebody tell me how the following people keep their jobs: Bengals owner Mike Brown, Darryl Strawberry's drug counselor, Mike Holmgren as G.M. of the Seahawks, Michael Eisner as the head of Disney, and the programming director of ESPN (if I have to watch one more stinkin' Braves game on the ESPN Game of the Week, I will again shoot myself).
Ted Turner is living, breathing, walking proof that a complete dumbass can become a billionaire in this country.
I would like to put the following people on a boat and send them off, hopefully never to see or hear from them again: The Baldwin brothers, Donald Fehr, Janet Reno, Trent Lott, Jerry Rivers (Geraldo Rivera) and Barbara Streisand.
I love seeing the following people fail: Derek Jeter, Shaq, Roger Clemens, Ray Lewis, Alex Rodriguez, Danny Snyder, Art Modell, John Hart and Tom Hicks.
I love seeing the following people succeed: Brian Griese, Marshall Faulk, Mark Cuban, Al Lerner, Mike Piazza, Jim Thome and Tim Duncan.
Some of you out there still take me waaaayyyyyyyy toooooooo seriously. Example? David Williamson from Australia took offense to my ridiculous column on how to make the LPGA Tour more interesting. He was so incensed that he took valuable time out of his busy day to write me an e-mail. I am not going to bore you with the entire thing, but here are the highlights:
"If the sponsors want more people to watch the sport:
1) lose your chauvenist opinion...as a matter of fact id prefer you to shove it somewhere uncomfortable -- youll either enjoy it or learn from it.... although this wont help the sport per se - it will remove some of the negativity."
"Aside from all of that... i knew i didnt like americans as a whole... you just proved why.... you are a narrow minded, chauvenistic male, threatened by women to the point where you belittle them to nothing more than sexual objects."
"Pull your head out of your pet ferrets arse and take a look around."
Obviously, David simply doesn't understand, or appreciate, DUMB humor! And am I the only one who thinks David may be, shall I say, a little "light in the loafers"? He seems to be somewhat obsessed with shoving things in places where they don't belong…and no David, women do not threaten me, I happen to love most of them, that's my problem….
The overwhelming majority of you out there not only enjoyed that column, but gave me some incredible suggestions on how you would make the LPGA Tour more interesting. Here are some of them:
John D., NY wrote,
"The LPGA should always play during downpours. If the weather's nice, find another course. This way you get the wet t-shirt contest built in! And those overloaded dump trucks playing the course would look so funny with wet wedgies it would make beer come outta my nose!"
This gem was from Bob,
"I think another suggestion would be all members must have some lacy undergarments visible in their outfits and breakaway buttons would be a nice feature…"
And then there was this one from a woman -- yes a woman!
Heather wrote,
"Shawn, I enjoyed your column on the LPGA Tour. I would make it more entertaining by having amateur, cute, female golfers (in extremely revealing outfits) like myself paired up with the "Butch" type golfers during tournaments. This way, they could still play, but you and others would get to look at something pleasant while watching them!"
Do I even have to inform all of you out there that Heather's e-mail address is safely saved in a secret folder of mine, was written down in case of a tragic accident to my computer, and was tattooed onto my arm so that I will NEVER lose it?
That was totally hot. I don't want even want to know what she looks like -- I already have an image of her ingrained in my head. Thank you, Heather.
More random thoughts….
If there is a baseball strike this season, I promise I will not go to another game if they resume playing until the following occur:
1) There is a salary cap or revenue-sharing
2) Bud Selig goes back to selling used cars in Milwaukee and
3) Donald Fehr returns to hell
After watching some of the NHL playoffs, as far as I'm concerned, it's a tossup as to the question of who's tougher -- football players or hockey players.
Am I the only one who forgets which team is playing which due to the inordinate amount of time spent in between NBA First Round playoff games? I have totally lost interest due to this.
Well, I think that's enough for today, tomorrow and the next year. Just one man's worthless opinions on the world of sports…and other things.
See more of Shawn's columns at SportsTerminal.com,
and feel free to e-mail him at shawng@sportsterminal.com!
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