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How to spice up the LPGA Tour
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
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Apparently, the LPGA is trying to figure out ways to make women's golf more appealing to us sports fans. They just can't seem to figure out why more people aren't watching the women's game every weekend. In this age of Tigermania, the head honchos at the LPGA Tour don't know why the ratings and publicity aren't trickling down to them.
Steve Wilstein, an AP sports writer, wrote about this very subject. His column was titled, "Go ahead, take it off". It seems that Playboy ran a poll asking readers which member of the LPGA Tour they would most like to see in the buff in Playboy. Carin Koch, the player whom the majority of Playboy readers chose, refused to show us her birthday suit due to the fact that she has a young son. That didn't stop Pamela Anderson, did it? Hell NO! Jill McGill, who finished second, is right now considering whether to pose or not. Mr. Wilstein's column was dead on -- he concluded his column with the following:
"A naked LPGA player might sell a few more magazines and get a little richer. But if she thinks she'll sell the sport, she's mistaken. What the LPGA needs is a great player with genuine charisma to charge up the fans and sponsors. Stripping won't do it."
Let's be honest -- look at those two (Koch and McGill). It's not exactly like having your choice of a Mercedes or a Lexus. It's more like a Geo or a Hyundai. Yeah, not bad, it's a mode of transportation, but would you pay to see them naked? Not me.
How can they make the LPGA Tour a tad more interesting? That's why I'm here. That's why I decided to write this column. The possibilities are mind-boggling. Here are mine.
As usual, send me yours -- I always enjoy your e-mails.
Let's move on to how I would make the LPGA more interesting.
Rule #1: Get rid of the big girls.
Did you ever watch an LPGA Tour event? Many, though not all of the golfers are carrying about 20 extra pounds. Some of them look like Colin Montgomerie in drag. Time to jump on the treadmill or kick them off the tour.
Rule #2: Get rid of the "Butch" element.
Do me a favor -- watch an old Saturday Night Live show. Remember the androgynous "Pat"? Well, she's back and doing her thing on the LPGA Tour every weekend. If I were in charge of the LPGA, I would try to keep the "Pats" on the sidelines….
Rule #3: Recruit Anna Kournikova to move from the tennis tour over to the LPGA. Can she golf? Who really cares.
Put Anna Kournikova in a skimpy little golf skirt, and I guarantee high ratings. Instead, we get a bunch of asexual, manly looking women waltzing around. I know we should appreciate the women's game for the athletics involved, but let's be realistic, not politically correct. I watch women's tennis because I think some of those women are nice looking. I really don't care if Anna ever wins a point -- I prefer gawking at her flowing blonde hair, her nice, tight…okay, I'll save the rest of that for my Penthouse Forum column, but you get the picture.
Rule #4: The analysts for the LPGA Tour events would be the guys from the "Man Show." A full broadcast day of joyous chauvinism hosted by Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla would be a ratings bonanza. Jimmy and Adam discussing women's golf would keep me interested throughout the LPGA tour event, trust me. Those guys simply crack me up. Maybe it's because they have the same immature, adolescent sense of humor as myself -- I don't know. Speaking of that, I had a colleague of mine, Chris, read this column before I put it up. All he did was shake his head and ask me if I was 16 years old. That hurt. It may have been true, but it still hurt. At that point, I had to go forward with it. Had I not, it would have been a slap in the face to free speech, no matter how classless and hideous it may be, which is exactly where this column is going….
Rule #5: Just for fun, let Charles Barkley join the Tour and follow him around for the entire season. Have a camera follow him around in the locker room, at practice rounds, at LPGA Tour events…if the Osbournes don't agree to a second season on MTV, may I be the first to suggest "The Barkleys"? Sir Charles would create total havoc on the LPGA Tour. This, in turn, would be a ratings blockbuster, no doubt.
Rule #6: All of those golfers who don't win the tournament that weekend must participate in a wet tee-shirt contest to be broadcast at the conclusion of the match.
Rule #7: Every tournament would include a streaker. I miss those streaker days.
Rule #8: Aren't the first seven enough? I am already going to be accused of being a sexist, classless, amateurish jerk, what more do you want?
In conclusion, having one or two LPGA golfers pose nude in Playboy is not the answer to low ratings…take one or two of my rules -- and now we're talking ratings.
See more of Shawn's columns at SportsTerminal.com,
and feel free to e-mail him at shawng@sportsterminal.com!
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