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The Real Sports World
by: Shawn Griffin from SportsTerminal.com
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"This is the true story of seven strangers picked to live in a loft and have their lives taped. Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.
The Real World."
Most of you out there have probably already heard of the utterly ridiculous MTV series called "The Real World." American pop culture was blessed with this television phenomenon in 1992. For those of you who haven't been lucky enough to watch this hideousness, let me give you a quick rundown on what the show is all about.
Seven "diverse," bright and ambitious young people from all over the country move into an incredibly well-furnished apartment and pursue their own dreams in the big city. That's how MTV explains the series. In reality, the only true thing about the preceding description is that there are seven young people involved and they do live in a nice apartment.
Let me tell you what really happens.
MTV chooses seven morons, usually consisting of the following: a very naive but cute girl, an angry black dude, a self-loathing, guilty white suburban kid, a slutty girl, a wild, out of control dude, a lesbian, and a homosexual male. They give them a stupid job, usually involving some type of community service or entertainment internship type of thing. Then they film them. Invariably, the cute naive girl cries in at least one episode, the black dude yells at everybody and accuses them of being racists, the guilty white guy accepts the fact that he's a worthless racist and apologizes for all the dumb white people out there, the slutty chick hooks up with at least one of her roommates, and the lesbian or gay cast member teaches the other roommates about the evils of "homophobia" and generally is portrayed as the brightest, most virtuous person to ever walk the earth. "Real World"? Yeah, right. It's just another attempt by MTV to shove their warped views on society. Unfortunately, by the looks of many kids today, they are succeeding.
I am sure the minions at MTV who came up with this "new genre of television with its fresh
documentary/soap opera formula" (I got that right from the official Real World
Website) thought they were providing programming in which people would truly appreciate the show for its intellectual integrity and fresh new approach. Sorry, but that's not the case. This series has gone on for 10 years for one reason.
People like myself watch it so that we can laugh our collective asses off at a bunch of narcissistic, moronic little nitwits who think they know how the world works, even though they are only 18-24 and, for the most part, have never held a steady job outside of volunteering at the local homeless shelter.
So what does this have to do with sports? Nothing at all. But I did think it would be quite interesting to come out with a sports version of the "Real World." I mean, if somebody ever did this, the ratings would rival that of the Super Bowl. It would be high comedy at its best.
If I was casting director, this is how it would work. I would put these seven in a nice little pad in Vegas overlooking the Strip and let the fun begin.
The Real "Sports" World
The cast: Nancy Kerrigan, Anna Kournikova, Bill Walton, Bryan Cox, Martina Navratilova, Tony Siragusa, and Greg
Louganis.
Nancy Kerrigan -- Nancy would be the naïve girl. Kerrigan is not particularly cute, in my opinion, but I do remember her crying in public after getting whacked on the leg by Tonya's thugs. I could see it now -- she would get jealous of all the attention Anna's receiving. She would ball her head off, crying "I won a silver medal in the Olympics and Anna hasn't won crap, yet she gets all of the attention." Bill Walton, the guilty white guy, would comfort her, attempting to look like the nice guy, but with the ulterior motive (which he will never admit to) of trying to get into Nancy's pants. (This always fails in the Real World -- the women of the Real World never like the nice guy types.) At least Nancy had a reason to cry. Most of the Real World naïve girls cry for no good reason. It's actually quite funny. My friends and I like putting odds on who will cry over some stupid reason and when she will. Yes, we don't have lives. That's why we do this stuff.
Anna Kournikova -- Of course, Anna would be the hot, dumb, slutty chick. Every Real World includes one of them. If it was up to me, all seven would be these types of women. Anna would wear her beautiful tennis skirt around the house, showing off her incredible assets. She wouldn't go for any of the guys in the house as they aren't even close to being in her league. Examples of the hot, dumb, slutty chick include Rachel from Real World S.F., Kelly from Real World New Orleans, and Kat from London. All of them went through the, "I am so beautiful that it's hard for guys to approach me" phase. The next night, inevitably, they would be tramping around with some dude they just met in a bar. Never fails.
Bill Walton -- Every Real World includes a guilty white guy. This guy is the prototype of what MTV has in mind for their version of what the white male should be like. All of society's ills are thrown at the feet of the guilty white guy, and he eagerly accepts the blame. In most cases, the guilty white guy is made out to be a total moron (Mike from the second Real World N.Y.) or a sensitive little kiss-ass liberal (Judd from Real World San Francisco). Walton, with his hippy lifestyle a huge part of his past, easily fits this role.
Bryan Cox -- This was an easy pick. The angry black dude would have to be Cox. Every time this guy is interviewed, he has a scowl on his face as he tells the media how racist this country, and the NFL, is. It's interesting how such a racist country can pay big money for tickets to watch him play and merchandise bearing his name, which enables him to become a multi-millionaire for playing a simple game. The media won't ask him to explain that as they don't want to provoke him. Kevin from Real World N.Y. was provoked and he attacked a roommate because he was frustrated that she didn't understand racism. David from Real World L.A. and Theo from the current Real World also took the easy way out by blaming all of society's ills on racism...it gets old, but it's still fun to watch.
Martina Navrotilova -- The majority of Real World casts include a lesbian. Martina fits the bill of the token lesbian. Then again, about half the WNBA and the LPGA tour would all be excellent choices, too….
Tony Siragusa -- All series include at least one guy who is totally out of control. Puck, Real World San Francisco, epitomized the out of control dude. Teck from Real World Hawaii is another good example. I can see Siragusa now, running through the Vegas house, butt-naked after a night of partying in Vegas, causing total chaos and disorder. After a display such as that, the "house" would call a meeting and decide his fate. The Goose would sit there and defend his behavior in a serious attempt to stay in the series. The other roommates would accept the Goose for being the way he is and he would be allowed to stay, only to do the same thing the next night….
Greg Louganis -- The gold medal-winning diver easily could fill the homosexual male role on the Real Sports World. He is very well-spoken and would become the most moral, intelligent member of the cast...verbally berating all of the stupid, ignorant "homophobic" roommates. Pedro from the San Francisco cast or Danny from Real World New Orleans are two of the best examples of this type of cast member.
The Real Sports World...now THAT's entertainment...coming soon to a desperate network near you.
See more of Shawn's columns at SportsTerminal.com!
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