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Well, ladies and gentlemen, they finally did it. 

After 19 years of putting up with Larry King's ridiculous USA Today column, the newspaper has decided to pull the plug on the degenerate gambler, lizard look-alike...much to the dismay of loyal readers like myself. 

You see, I am fascinated by people with mediocre talent who happen to stumble into stardom. The landscape is littered with them…Larry, Alec Baldwin, Tom Arnold, Mark Wahlberg, Geraldo Rivera…I could write an entire piece about guys like that. I'll save that one for another day. 

Today, I would like to focus on the "King" of mediocrity, Lawrence Harvey Zeiger, a.k.a. Larry King.

This guy has earned millions for having a talk show on CNN. His ratings are not that great, but he gets all of the best guests. Who can forget that little martian-like creature from the 1992 presidential campaign, H. Ross Perot? Larry introduced the nation to him through his show. 

Why do guests love to come on the Larry King show? It's simple, yet profound. King NEVER asks his guests tough questions. Larry gets all the best guests because he tosses them softball questions as often as Rosie O'Donnell pops donuts into her big mouth. 

All his show is, was, and always will be is a propaganda tool for politicians, celebrities, and others who venture onto the set.

I have no idea why Gary Condit chose Connie Chung over the Larry King show when he decided to let the world know what a weasel he is. 

Had he gone on King's show, this would have been a typical exchange:

Larry: "So, tell me, honorable Congressman Condit, how are things going?"
Condit: "Well, Larry, I must admit that I am in some financial difficulty as we speak…you see, I had to pay off a member of the Gambino family for services rendered last spring, and…well, you know, they charge an incredibly high interest rate!"
Larry's follow-up: "The Gambinos? Now that's one fine American family…let's move on. Talk about the legislation that you are sponsoring in the House which will make world peace a reality, ensure economic prosperity for the next 200 years and, most importantly, will protect our children from the boogie-man. Please explain…. "

Now that Larry's show has been explained, let me briefly tell you about his late column. For some reason, he had it in his mind that people actually cared about items such as the following: his favorite brand of toothpaste, the latest lame book he read, and his annual sports predictions (usually involving a Miami Dolphin Super Bowl victory and an Oriole World Series win). Things like that. So what this average ace would do is write down all his musings for our digestion. And readers like myself would buy the rag every Monday, rip it open to the "Life" section, and read this useless waste of space called a column. It was positively addictive. I have no idea why, but I had to read it. 

I have to hand it to you, Larry. You made me buy the USA Today and I faithfully read your column for years. Nobody has done so much with so little. 

To honor Larry King, and to make sure that "King's Things" lives on in some small way, I now present you with what I hope will someday be mentioned in the same breath with the King…. I am calling it: 

Griff's Grumblings...

Did you see Shawn Southwick-King, Larry's new bride? Wow, she's a knockout. The thought of her and Larry sharing an erotic moment together makes me want to vomit. If that's not a case of a hot chick marrying a guy for his money, I don't know what is…Is it just me, or is Phil Luckett the worst referee in the history of the NFL?...Speaking of NFL referees, I don't think you will see much difference in the replacement guys than the real ones. I mean, how could you get any worse?...Why does every NASCAR driver have the name Bobby, Dale, Gordon, or Ricky?...If it wasn't for fantasy football, the NFL TV ratings would be down just as much as the other professional leagues' ratings are...Can you believe a quarterback as awful as Billy Joe Tolliver lasted 11 years in the NFL?...I don't know what all this fuss about "Krispy Kreme" is about -- give me an Indian immigrant making a Dunkin Donut any day of the week over the assembly-line made "Krispy Kremes"...I sure hope Roger Clemens takes one in the 'noggin sometime soon -- I can't stand that guy...Why are male figure skaters so feminine and female basketball players so masculine?...Speaking of figure skaters, every time I see Rudy Galindo, I laugh hysterically…Am I alone in hoping that the days of George Steinbrenner hiring, firing, and rehiring managers and general managers as often as Madonna gives oral sex to strangers returns very soon?...I am not a huge tennis fan, but I am a huge football fan -- yet I would rather see a tennis match involving Anna Kournikova than a football game between the Bengals and Chargers...Regarding the WNBA, I have one question -- WHY?...Jason Biggs is my generation's version of Jerry Lewis...Am I the only one who finds it incredibly amusing when a guy like Ben Affleck enters rehab?...The best value in the history of television is the money I fork over for the DirecTV NFL package...I have a feeling that if Joe Gibbs would dedicate himself to the sport of baseball that he could win a World Series ring within three years...When do you think Robert Downey Jr. is going to stop screwing with us and finally overdose?...I always enjoy it when an NFL player gets injured while showboating after a touchdown...Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones looks downright scary after losing 55 pounds and paying thousands for cosmetic surgery during the off season...Why does my fantasy football team always end up with Drew Bledsoe on it?...Is it just me, or does Indians' manager Charlie Manuel look like he was dropped on his head when he was a baby?...My favorite sports cliché is, was, and always will be, "This one is for all the marbles."...Why do I still find myself barking when they play "Who Let the Dogs Out"?...When doing the "Y.M.C.A." at the park, why does it appear that everyone is just a tad late?...I still get goosebumps when I hear "We Will Rock You" at a sporting event...Okay, really quick -- who is the ugliest female sports figure? In my book, it's Kristi Yamaguchi, hands down...My favorite wife of a sports figure? Without a doubt, the wife of Pete Sampras -- Bridgette Wilson...Every time I see Teddy Kennedy on television, I consider giving up alcohol, but when I see an Amstel Light commercial that silly notion exits my mind rather quickly... Every Dave Matthews song sounds the same to me...When are baseball owners going to get a brain and figure out that Phil Garner is not a good manager?...Am I the only one who hasn't watched a prime time television sitcom since the last Seinfeld episode?...I have a feeling that Missouri basketball coach Quin Snyder spends more time in front of a mirror than most women...If Duke, Florida State, the Yankees, and the Dallas Cowboys don't win anything for the rest of my life, I will die a happy man...Kurt Warner and Marshall Faulk will lead the Rams to their second Super Bowl victory in three years as they will defeat the Broncos in a shoot-out...The Ryder Cup is quickly approaching, and I would like nothing more than a good old-fashioned Euro-ass kicking by the Americans...I am so sick of the Euros trying to tell this country how to do things...Just remember one thing, my European friends, if it wasn't for the good 'ol Red, White and Blue, you people would be walking around with swastikas on your arms. So do us a favor, shut up and let us run the world!...Even though they are often compared, I have a feeling that Earl Woods has more class in his big toe than Richard Williams has in his entire body...How come no matter how hard I try, I can't even imagine, visually or mentally, the Red Sox and Cubs on the same field in a World Series match up?...David Modell has taken over the top spot as the most annoying son of a sports owner...When is Britney Spears going to tell that geek from N'Sync (or is it the Backstreet Boys) to get lost so she can start dating older guys like myself?...and when is Mena Suvari (the hot little number from both American Pies) going to tell her old husband to take a hike so she can start dating younger guys like myself?...The best broadcaster these days is still Al Michaels...The worst? That's easy -- Don Criqui....

Well, that's it. I hope you liked it. Take care until the next edition of Griff's Grumblings....


See more of Shawn's columns at SportsTerminal.com!

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