Bullz-Eye's 2008 Father of the Year: Homer J. Simpson, Homer Simpson quotes, lines, sayings

Entertainment Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

Most men will take Father’s Day to reflect on their lives and how much they love their wives and children – or, at the very least, how much they love their children – but we at Bullz-Eye will openly admit that we are not beneath a little schadenfreude (those Germans have a word for everything, you know). The handful of us on staff who are parents love their children (and wives) more than anything, but we’ll also confess that we live each day in constant fear that we will do something that will scar our children for life. When the feeling becomes overwhelming, we turn to the television (teacher, mother, secret lover) and take solace in the knowledge that there are people out there who are much, much worse at the job than we could ever imagine.

With our inaugural tribute to the best (which is to say, worst) entertainment dads of all time, we salute you, Homer J. Simpson. Your wisdom and self-sacrifice in the face of adversity is an inspiration to…oh, hell, we can’t even keep a straight face anymore. We love Homer because he makes the rest of us look better. Below is a list of our favorite pieces of “advice” Homer has dispensed over the years, along with a few exchanges with his children that prove that merely loving your children is not nearly enough to ensure their emotional well-being. Godspeed, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.

Homer: [On Bart’s nomination for class president] Wow, you made the front page!
Bart: Aw Dad, it’s just a popularity contest.
Homer: Just a popularity contest? Excuse me, what’s more important than popularity?

“Kids, you tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

"No matter how good you are, there’s a million guys better than you."

[After he forgot to pick up Bart at soccer practice] “I know you’re mad at me right now. I’m kind of mad, too. I mean, we could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who until the cows come home. Let’s just say we’re both wrong, and that’ll be that!”

Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left today.
Homer: Oh?
Lisa: He’s gone. Forever.
Homer: And?
Lisa: I didn’t think you’d understand.
Homer: Hey! Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.”

Homer: [On dealing with anger] Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball, and release it at an appropriate time. Like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle. Remember that?
Lisa: Yeah…
Homer: When Daddy hit the referee?
Lisa: Yeah…
Homer. Yeah.

“If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

Lisa: Dad, I understand the sacrifice you made for me. That’s why I gave up the pony.
Homer: You did?
Lisa: Uh-huh. There’s a big dumb animal I love even more than that horse.
Homer: Oh no, what is it, a hippopotamus?

“When you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose. It’s how drunk you get.”

Homer: No matter how good you are, there’s a million guys better than you.
Bart: Got it. Can’t win, don’t try.

Lisa: Two wrongs don't make a right, Bart.
Bart: Yes, they do.
Lisa: No, they don't.
Bart: Yes, they do.
Lisa: Dad!
Homer: Two wrongs make a right, Lisa.

[Rules of the schoolyard] “Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.”

[How to fight] “First, you gotta scream like a woman and keep sobbing until the other turns away in disgust. That's when it's time to kick some back. And then when he's lying on the ground, kick him in the rib, step on his neck, and run like hell.”

[To Kang and Kodos] “Don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eat them!”

“Around the house, I never lift a finger / As a husband and father I’m sub-par / I’d rather drink a beer than win Father of the Year / I’m happy with things the way they are.”

Homer: He's got us, Marge; there's nothing we can do. He's as good as dead! [sobs]
Marge: You're his father, you've got to try and reason with him.
Homer: That never works -- he's a goner!

Marge: Homer, you cannot miss Lisa's big day. And you have to come sober!
Homer: American sober or Irish sober?

Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture!
Homer: Well, I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No, no, it's a good thing.
Homer: Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't 'til next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.

Bart: Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?
Homer: No, but at least wash your mouth out with soda.

Homer: Okay, here's the solution. I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.
Bart: Why don't you just stop taking the pills, you hothead?
Homer: Because I'm filled with stress! I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?

“Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You'll be in direct competition! And I don't want you to go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!”

Bart: Dad, how could you put my life in danger to save your own?
Homer: You'll understand someday when you have kids!

Lisa: Dad! We did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes!
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart and Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then!

Homer: Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
Bart: [consoling Homer] I believe you, Dad.

Lisa: Dad, Bart's trying to kill me!
Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a tattletale.

Lisa: Dad, do you think you might have been brainwashed?
Homer: I have not been brainwashed. [reaches hands out slowly, trying to grab her] Kill the Girl. Kill the Girl.

[While breaking and entering] "Lisa, could you get the window? The police have Daddy's prints on file.”

Homer: You should always give in to peer pressure.
Lisa: But what if someone bad tells me to…
Homer: Always!

"I've got three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"

Homer: Son, I'll never understand women if I live to be 40.
Bart: Big if.
Homer: You said it. Enjoy me while I last!
Bart: Want to go slam a few beers?
Homer: Want to watch me?
Bart: You know it.

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, you’ve been the boy’s father for ten years. Do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous criminal syndicate?
Homer: Well, not the leader….

Marge: We’re going to the beauty parlor. Maybe you should do something with the kids while I’m gone.
Homer: [insincerely] Oh, sure, great idea, I’d love to… [sees Lisa standing in front of him] D’oh! Did you hear that?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: How much?
Lisa: Everything.
Homer: [bored] What’s the quickest, cheapest, easiest way to do something with you?
Lisa: Uh, take us to the video store?
Homer: Anything for my little girl.

Lisa: Maybe the Sunday after the Super Bowl, we could hike to the top of Mount Springfield. The fires in the tire yard really make for some beautiful sunsets.
Homer: Well, that sounds great, honey, but next Sunday I’m bowling with Barney.
Lisa: What about Daddy-Daughter Day?
Homer: Don’t worry, the new football season is only seven months away.

[When Bart asks for help in order to prevent his prize-winning cow from being slaughtered] "Son, let this be a lesson. Never work hard, and don't form emotional attachments. Also, never be a cow."

Homer: Hey, how come you never play your guitar anymore?
Bart: I’ll tell you the truth, Dad. I wasn’t good at it right away, so I quit. I hope you’re not mad.
Homer: Son, come here. Of course I’m not mad. If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we’ll go inside and watch TV.
Bart: What’s on?
Homer: It doesn’t matter.

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