Guys we wouldn't want to make angry, Jack Bauer, Eric Cartman, Vinnie Jones, Suge Knight
Guys we wouldn't want to make angry

Entertainment Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

Anyone who has ever browsed an “Incredible Hulk” comic book or seen an episode of the late 70s-early-80s television series knows that you don’t want to make Bruce Banner angry, or risk suffering the consequences of the Hulk. With the upcoming release of Marvel’s big screen re-do of the Not So Jolly Green Giant, the Bullz-Eye staff looked to the entertainment and sports worlds to uncover some of our other favorite hotheads. What we learned is that while there are plenty of psychos that none of us would want to mess with (Mike Tyson, Idi Amin, etc.), there are only a select few who, like Bruce Banner, live pretty normal lives aside from the rare outburst. These are the guys (listed in alphabetical order) we wouldn’t want to make angry, because though they may not transform into a hulking monster, they’ll still leave a path of destruction for everyone to see.

Jack Bauer

To understand why you wouldn’t want to anger CTU überagent Jack Bauer, one only needs to take a look at the things he’s done to people who didn’t make him angry. He chopped off the forearm of his partner when he had a deadly virus attached to his hand. He shot and killed -- and then decapitated -- a federal witness in order to gain the favor of a terrorist suspected of bombing CTU. He shot and killed another partner and one of his directors, and these were the good guys. Not even family and other assorted loved ones are off limits: he nearly tortured his brother to death (his father finished the job), and emptied half a clip into his ex-girlfriend-turned-traitor. One of Bauer’s most famous expressions is, “You’re going to tell me what I want to know. The only question is how much you want it to hurt.” Well, are you willing to find out if he’s bluffing? – David Medsker

Albert Belle

Near the end of a classic “Saturday Night Live” fake commercial for Happy Fun Ball, the fine people from Wacky Products Inc. included several disclaimers aimed to protect consumers, the most ominous being: “Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.” Jeff Pillar would’ve been wise to follow similar advice at Cleveland Municipal Stadium on May 12, 1991, when he decided to invite then-Indians outfielder Albert Belle, a recovering alcoholic, to a keg party. Belle responded by hitting Pillar in the chest with a baseball. Of course, that was just one of the incidents that earned Belle a reputation for being one of the biggest douchebags in sports: he unleashed a profanity laced tirade at reporter Hannah Storm before Game 3 of the 1995 World Series and chased her out of the locker room; he hit a photographer with a ball in 1996 because he didn’t want his picture taken; and he was suspended several times for incidents on and off the field, perhaps most famously when he was caught corking his bat in 1994. And then there was the time he chased a bunch of teenagers with his pickup truck on Halloween after they egged his house, bumping one of them as he drove through private property. We won’t even get into the stalking case that resulted in the lovely mug shot above, but we certainly don’t envy the object of Belle’s apparently obsessive affection. – Jamey Codding

Eric Cartman

We could devote an entire feature to the wickedness residing in Eric Cartman’s “big-boned” body, but for the sake of space, we’ll focus on two particularly heinous incidents, beginning with the most recent. When a routine tonsillectomy ends with Cartman being diagnosed HIV-positive, Kyle has a hard time feeling compassionate for his classmate. Don’t judge Kyle too harshly – if you’re a fan of “South Park,” you know that if anyone deserves such a cruel twist of fate, it’s Cartman. Of course, Cartman doesn’t see it that way and so, determined to teach Kyle compassion, he breaks into Kyle’s room one night and…gives him AIDS. No joke – Cartman unloads a syringe full of his infected blood into Kyle’s mouth while he sleeps. Considering Kyle (and Cartman) is eventually cured (don’t ask), he got off easy compared to Scott Tenorman. After the ninth grader tricks Cartman into buying his pubic hair for $16.12, Cartman exacts revenge by killing Scott’s parents, grinding their bodies up into chili and then feeding the chili to Scott. Again, no joke. It’s the moment that, as co-creator Trey Parker describes, Cartman went from “a little shithead to probably the most evil kid in the world.” Um…probably– JC

Gary Coleman

Proving that little packages can still house a big quantity of anger, the man best remembered as the former Arnold Jackson hasn’t really had a particularly memorable role since “Diff’rent Strokes” (unless you count “Avenue Q”), but he’s still managing to make the celebrity news columns with his nasty temper. Most recently, Coleman turned up on “Divorce Court,” where his wife, Shannon Price, declared, “If he doesn't get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a 5-year-old does. And he stomps the floor…and he starts throwing stuff around, and he bashes his head in the wall, too!” It’s not like this is new territory for Coleman. If you caught his appearance on Season Two of “The Surreal Life,” you saw him come within an inch of starting a rumble with Vanilla Ice. In 1998, he was actually charged with assault for punching a woman who asked for his autograph, claiming, “I was getting scared, and she was getting ugly.” We’d ask Coleman what he’s talking about, but, frankly, we don’t want to be on the receiving end of a head butt -- especially given what his head’s level with. – Will Harris

Russell Crowe

He’s played a skinhead, a gladiator, a boxer and an outlaw, but there’s no one more dangerous in Russell Crowe’s life than himself. Though he’s often viewed as a relatively nice guy (and has never had any on-set altercations that would make you think otherwise), Crowe is infamous for having a short temper in his personal life. From a nightclub brawl in 1999 to a restaurant brawl in 2002, the New Zealand-born actor has garnered attention for snapping in public. So much so that “South Park” exploited his exhortations in a “Mister Rogers” meets “Crocodile Hunter” TV series titled “Fightin’ Around the World.” Most recently, and perhaps most famously, Crowe pleaded guilty to assaulting a hotel clerk with a telephone after an unsuccessful long-distance phone call to his wife in Australia. Reports never indicated what the hotel clerk might have said to provoke such a reaction, but we have a gut feeling it had something to do with Crowe’s hopeless musical career as a folk singer. – Jason Zingale

William "Bill" Foster

You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, and based on the events in Joel Schumacher’s 1993 film, “Falling Down,” you sure as hell don’t mess around with Bill Foster (Michael Douglas). Foster is recently divorced and he’s been laid off from his job as a defense engineer, which is enough to put anyone in a bad mood, but when he gets caught in a traffic jam and his car’s air conditioner fails, something inside him just snaps. A store owner who charges too much and won’t make change ends up getting his store beaten all to hell by Foster wielding a baseball bat; a fast food restaurant that won’t serve him breakfast two minutes late gets its ceiling shot up by a TEC-9; a road crew doing what Foster perceives as unnecessary repairs find themselves on the receiving end of an M72 Light Anti-tank Weapon. All these things you can almost accept, but things really begin to unravel for Foster after he shoots a police detective in the stomach; he eventually finds himself standing on a dock, surrounded by the authorities, wondering aloud, “I'm the bad guy? How did that happen?” The answer: someone made him angry. – WH

Roger Goodell

When Roger Goodell was appointed Paul Tagliabue’s successor as NFL commissioner in September 2006, it was clear from the start that a new sheriff was in town. Goodell immediately installed a Personal Conduct Policy in order to keep players from embarrassing the league off the field. The first two players to test the new policy were Adam “Pac-Man” Jones and Chris Henry, who, let’s just say for the sake of space, don’t consider reading a good book as a fun Saturday night. The new commish suspended Henry for the first eight games in 2007 and Jones for the entire 16-game season. Months later, Tank Johnson was suspended for the first 10 games of the 2007 season for his conduct involving weapon ownership and drunk driving, and who knows if Goodell will ever let Michael Vick see the field again (after being suspended indefinitely for his involvement in federal dog fighting charges). Goodell is so badass he even suspended a quarterbacks coach (Wade Wilson) five games and fined him $100,000 for admitting he used banned substances for medical purposes. Looks like nobody’s safe with Goodell in charge. – Anthony Stalter

Vinnie Jones

Most people know Vinnie Jones as the badass intimidator from movies like “Snatch” and “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels,” but before he was thrust into the Hollywood limelight, Jones was busy making a name for himself on the soccer pitch as one of the sport’s self-proclaimed “hard men.” Notorious for grabbing, shoving and kicking opponents, Jones broke just about every rule in the book. He single-handedly ended the career of Tottenham defender Gary Stevens, and even received the fastest booking in history -- only three seconds into a game. His biggest claim to fame is also the most cringe-worthy: grabbing Paul Gascoigne’s testicles in a much-publicized match that led many to believe that it wasn’t the first (or last) time Jones had resorted to such heinous methods in his career. The athlete-turned-actor has even played one of a very few superheroes who could conceivably take on the Hulk in a fight, so if we ever did anything to make Jones angry, you’d better believe we’d be running away with our tail between our legs. – JZ

Bobby Knight

Nicknamed “The General,” Knight is one of the greatest basketball coaches of all time. He also has the reputation of being a gigantic hard ass, and has a career full of highlights to prove it. If you make him angry, you just might be hit by a flying chair during a game, or choked at one of his practices. These events led to a “zero tolerance” policy for Knight at Indiana, which eventually resulted in his termination after an altercation with a freshman who saw the coach on campus and said, “Hey, Knight, what’s up?” Coach Knight grabbed the student by the arm and lectured him about being respectful. Need more reasons not to make him angry? Check out this profanity-laden halftime speech, this press conference after a loss to Missouri, this footage of him slapping a player at Texas Tech, his unique version of being “disappointed,” and this hilarious montage of his “greatest hits.” – John Paulsen

Marion “Suge” Knight

Granted, Suge’s reputation as the ultimate hip-hop thug has taken a hit with the recent news of a 5-foot-10 guy knocking him the hell out, but do not forget whom we’re dealing with here. That guy will surely come up missing in a couple weeks, because those are just the kinds of things that happen to people who try to get Suge Knight to do anything he doesn’t want to do. Are you a successful rapper looking for your rightful share? Your next single will have your name deliberately misspelled, thus denying you any royalties. Do you have a rapper on your label that Suge wants? Well, say hello to his many, many handlers, all of whom are carrying lead pipes. Or you can just ask Vanilla Ice, who once swore that Suge dangled him from a balcony by his ankles before he signed over very lucrative publishing monies to one of Suge’s boys (Ice now claims the media made up the story). In other words, in order to not make Suge angry, you pretty much have to let him treat you like his personal bitch. Pray he uses lube. – DM

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