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Upset couples are ingrained into our society, and they are especially apparent in the entertainment world. In 2002, CBS’ Monday lineup of sitcoms all featured schlubby guys who were married to gorgeous women. The leader of the pack was “Everybody Loves Raymond,” which starred Ray Romano and a pretty Patricia Heaton. “The King of Queens” is still going and stars Kevin James while Leah Remini plays his wife. It doesn’t stop there. “Still Standing” stars Mark Addy and the smokin’ hot Jami Gertz. Then there’s “Yes, Dear,” which is double the fun, with two couples that basically fit the same profile.

This phenomenon isn’t limited to primetime television. Ninety-nine percent of commercials that use a couple feature some schlubby guy with a hot wife. Generally, the bonehead husband is screwing up somehow (making a mess, ruining dinner, breaking something, etc.) while the hot wife just rolls her eyes and pulls out some magic product/food that fixes everything. Throw in a few one-liners and you’ve got an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond.”

This is a dangerous trend in that it’s leading schlubby guys everywhere to believe that they can land a gorgeous wife. Sure, some model-types go for schlubby guys with good personalities, but not every schlub has a good personality, and this usually leads to loneliness and heartache when they don’t meet their own expectations.

But I digress. Now that March Madness is in full swing, it’s a great time to unveil a new and (reasonably) exciting way to reduce human beings down to their most superficial characteristics. What does rating people’s looks have to do with the NCAA Tournament? Well, using the first-round seeding system (16/1, 15/2, 14/3, and so on), you can easily rate the upset associated with any couple you see. On the surface, this may seem like a meaningless exercise but the following real-world conversation suggests it can be quite useful:

Guy #1: You wouldn’t believe the girl I saw at <insert name of bar here> the other night.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah, great body, beautiful face. She was like a nine point five.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah, and she was with this guy – he was kind of a schmuck.
Guy #2: A schmuck? How big of a schmuck?
Guy #1: …

And therein lies the problem. In this example, Guy #1 is in a tough spot. He is tasked with trying to get across to his friend how big of a mismatch this couple was. Until now, there was no good way to do this other than to actually rate the guy:

Guy #1: I don’t know, he was like a three.
Guy #2: A three?
Guy #1: Maybe a two, I don’t know.

In this case, the rating accuracy is quite suspect due to the fact that a man rating another man’s looks is quite gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). The simple fact is that no heterosexual guy wants to spend time rating the looks of another guy. Not only is it uncomfortable for the parties involved, it is just not appropriate.

Let’s try the same conversation, using the new system:

Guy #1: You wouldn’t believe the girl I saw at <insert name of bar here> the other night.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah, great body, beautiful face.
Guy #2: Yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah and she was with this guy – he was kind of a schmuck.
Guy #2: A schmuck? How big of a schmuck?
Guy #1: It was a huge upset – like a 15/2.

There you have it. Simply put, the girl was gorgeous and the guy was a schmuck. That guy being able to land her is like a 15-seed beating a 2-seed. It’s like little Hampton beating Jamal Tinsley’s Iowa State club in 2001. Or it’s like Santa Clara overcoming a 25-0 run to beat Arizona in 1993. That is how big of an upset it was. You’re no longer trying to rate the guy – you’re rating the physical difference between the guy and the girl, and that’s a very important distinction. As homework, you can familiarize yourself with some of the bigger first round upsets.

But before everyone starts throwing around first round upsets, let’s discuss a few rules of use:

1. Most importantly, do not use the 16/1 tag because the upset has never happened in real life. This rule is in effect to respect the sporting institution from which this rating system has sprung. Once a 16-seed beats a 1-seed in real life (and someday it will happen) we can start – judiciously - using the 16/1 description. Until then, a 15/2 is the biggest upset available to you – please use it judiciously.

2. We all know that there is much more to a good match than looks. Money, power, fame, and most importantly, personality, can all play a role in a successful relationship. For the purposes of this superficial time-killer, we’re going to throw the personality out the window and take the rest into account when rating couples. So if you see some old guy with a gorgeous girl, you need to take into account all that she can possibly find attractive about her partner. If it seems like he’s got money, power or fame (or any combination thereof), it may not be as big of an upset as it appears on the surface. What looks like a 15/2 might actually be a 10/7 – or even a 7/10. Who knows, maybe he is the one that can do better.

3. Finally, never let the couples you’re rating know that you’re rating them. Feelings will just get hurt.

Now that the rules are set, let’s talk about the match-ups. For this exercise, we will use photos of celebrity couples, or photos of couples in movies. But we will only evaluate the physical match-up of the couple. Imagine that power, wealth, fame and personality are of no consequence.

9/8 – Brangelina (a.k.a. John & Jane Smith from “Mr. & Mrs. Smith”)

This is a very even contest. Angelina Jolie is probably the world’s sexiest woman and she’s found her perfect match. The spreads on these games are very small, so it’s tough to say who’s the favorite.




10/7 – Nicolas (Antonio Banderas) and Lily (Rebecca Romijn) from “Femme Fatale”

The favorite is more apparent, but it’s still a tough matchup to call. In this case, Romijn is just hot enough to be a #7 seed when paired with Banderas.




11/6 – Danielle (Elisha Cuthbert) and Matthew (Emile Hirsch) from “The Girl Next Door”

This is where the upsets actually start to upset you. The favorite is quite clear, but the loss is tough to take.




12/5 – Sharon (Gwenyth Paltrow) and Hal (Jack Black) from “Shallow Hal”

Again, the favorite is clear, but the spunky 12-seed often finds a way to win. We see these kinds of upsets all the time, so they’re not too surprising.




13/4 – Andrew (Zach Braff) and Sam (Natalie Portman) from “Garden State”

These are when the upsets start to get a bit rarer and a bit more personal. This upset might adversely affect your bracket (and your night). (Read more about the Braff/Portman upset couple here.)




14/3 – Miles (Paul Giamatti) and Maya (Virginia Madsen) from “Sideways”

I love Giamatti, but there’s no way his character should be getting an urban cougar like Maya. Again, this upset is a rarity, but it does happen. When it does, it seriously f*cks up your bracket.




15/2 – Joe (David Spade) and Brandy (Brittany Daniel) from “Joe Dirt”

This upset is extremely rare and should be used sparingly. These are the kind of match-ups you only see in the movies. Proceed with caution.




So there it is, an effective rating system for upset couples. Be sure honor the 16/1 upset, take all characteristics (save personality) into account, and never – ever – tell the couples that you’re rating that you’re rating them. If you have any suggestions for improving this rating system, post them on Premium Hollywood. Go forth and judge.