Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasures

Entertainment Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

You get a call from one of your buddies. He tells you that the boys are going to a bar with two-dollar beers and mud wrestling. You tell him that you've been battling a wicked stomach virus all day, and that you'll just have to sit this one out. But you don't have a stomach virus. In fact, you've got a beer of your own in your hand. You just don't want to go out because there's ice skating on TV.

Guilty pleasures. We've all got 'em. If you don't have 'em, then you're either not human or, worse, boring. We at Bullz-Eye have bared our souls for the world to see, revealing the movies, TV shows and music that make us giddy. When no one is looking, of course.

So what are your guilty pleasures? Confess your movie and TV choices at Premium Hollywood, and visit EatSleepDrink Music to reveal your music pleasures.

David Medsker
Senior Editor

The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)
The director, Renny Harlin, was once dubbed the Finnish Steven Spielberg, but was in fact a Hacky McHacksterpants in disguise. Actioneer Shane Black was the most overpaid screenwriter in the ‘90s not named Joe Eszterhas. Put the two together, and it’s like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: neither the chocolate nor the peanut butter is any good, but damn, do they taste great together. Sure, there’s a scene where Geena Davis laces up ice skates, skates across a pond and blows up a car in about 30 seconds’ time, and there’s another scene where Davis and Samuel L. Jackson outrun the slowest fireball in movie history. But the movie’s greatness lies in its supporting cast. Craig Bierko (“Cinderella Man,” “Scary Movie 4”) is the baddie, and the ever-reliable David Morse is Davis’ “fiancé,” but everyone from Davis on down bows before the great Brian Cox as Davis’ handler. His speech about a cleanliness-obsessed dog is one for the ages, as is Jackson’s use of Muddy Waters’ “I’m a Man” as a memory device. And just try not singing England Dan & John Ford Coley’s “Really Love to See You Tonight” when the credits roll. It’s sublimely bad/good, though I’m still not sure if chefs really do that.

Mystery Men (1999)
The low profile of this movie, frankly, surprises me. It has ‘cult classic’ written all over it, what with the whole amateur-superhero storyline. And yet, seven years later, when the moviegoing public is in the throes of a Batman/Superman/Spider-Man trifecta, the movie is all but lost in the mists of time. A crime against humanity, say I. The cast is hipster gold, featuring Ben Stiller, William H. Macy, Hank Azaria, Janeane Garofalo, Paul Reubens, Geoffrey Rush, Greg Kinnear, Wes Studi, and a hilarious performance by singer Tom Waits as an inventor of non-lethal weapons (my personal favorite: the Blamethrower). Even Dane Cook shows up during an audition sequence (he’s the Waffler). The movie hilariously lampoons the whole Superman/Clark Kent thing – no one recognizes Kinnear’s Captain Amazing because his alter ego, Lance Hunt, wears glasses – and there is nothing funnier than seeing a superhero practice his witty one-liners, along with his fake foreign accent, in the mirror at home (“I didn’t expect to see you again so…spoon!”). If you’re a fanboy, and you haven’t seen “Mystery Men,” then you’re not a fanboy.

Starship Troopers (1997)
Casper Van Dien tries – and fails – desperately to convince us that he’s tough enough to run the Roughnecks. Dina Meyer has an inexplicable crush on Van Dien, though that does lead to her showing us her fabulous breasts. Neil Patrick Harris can communicate telepathically with his ferret. And Denise Richards smiles like she’s never smiled before. Oh, and they are all fighting against giant arachnid bugs that stand eight feet tall and can disembowel a human in half a second. Welcome to the delightfully loopy, ultraviolent, neo-Nazi paradise that is “Starship Troopers” (it’s not just for Yes fans anymore). Director Paul Verhoeven has practically made his career on fascist-themed material (“Robocop,” “Total Recall”), but he lets it all hang out on “Troopers,” throwing the grunt troops (notice they all have Latino names like Rico, Flores and Ibanez) in the ring against arachnids, giant flamethrowing beetles, and a big brain bug that sucks Patrick Muldoon’s melon completely dry. There’s even a scene where they’re playing arena football. Sports, sex, bugs and death: the ingredients for bad movie goodness.

Will Harris
Entertainment Writer

Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion (1997)
On the surface, it seems like a total chick flick…but, then, there’s that do-those-legs-go-all-the- way-up shot of Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow on the movie poster that’ll catch any straight man’s eye. The tight outfits the pair are prone to wearing through the film make it imminently watchable, but, honest to God, it’s also hilarious. When Romy and Michelle come up with the excruciatingly bad idea to attend their reunion and claim that they invented Post-Its, you’ll find you can’t look away until you actually see the plan unravel (as you know it will). The supporting cast, which includes Alan Cumming, Camryn Manheim, and perfect bitch Julia Campbell, is also top notch. Janeane Garofalo, however, gets the best line when she asks, “Why don't you tell everyone I said to go fuck themselves for making my teen years a living hell?” Hmmm…should I use that at my own reunion this October?

Cannonball Run II (1984)
It’s bad. I know it’s bad. Roger Ebert, whose opinion matters more to me than almost any other film critic out there, only gave it half a star upon its original release, describing it as “one of the laziest insults to the intelligence of moviegoers that I can remember.” And, yet, it’s filled with so many gleefully stupid performances by so many big names – including Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr., and…yes!...Charles Nelson Reilly!!! – that I’ll watch it every time I happen upon it…well, as long as I haven’t missed Frank Sinatra’s appearance, that is. It’s painfully obvious that the Chairman of the Board couldn’t be bothered to make it to the set; he’s purportedly having a conversation with Burt Reynolds, but they’re never in the shot at the same time…and when they’re supposed to be, all you see is the back of “Sinatra’s” head. Dude, it is so not Sinatra.

Flash Gordon (1980)
Possibly the most fascinating thing about this movie is that it was directed by the same fellow who went on to helm 1998’s “Croupier,” a very impressive flick which introduced the world at large to Clive Owen…but, then, he also directed “Morons from Outer Space,” so it all evens out, I reckon. Not until Warren Beatty’s “Dick Tracy” would there be such a brightly-colored spectacle unleashed on the silver screen as “Flash Gordon.” With its pounding soundtrack by Queen – including that awesome theme song – and incredibly bad acting by Sam Jones as Flash, Ornella Muti as Princess Aura, and Melody Anderson as Dale Arden. (“Flash, Flash, I love you…but we only have fourteen hours to save the earth!”) Max Von Sydow, however, IS Ming the Merciless, and he’s evil incarnate. UK fans should look for the 25th anniversary DVD, which features audio commentary by Prince Vultan himself, Brian Blessed.

John Paulsen
Contributor

Can't Buy Me Love (1987)
I don’t know what it is about this flick, but if I’m flipping channels and I run across it , I’m in it until the end. Before he was Dr. McDreamy on “Grey’s Anatomy,” Patrick Dempsey had a burgeoning movie career, ignited by this performance as the geeky Ronald Miller, who uses the proceeds from his lawn-mowing business to rent the services of school hottie/dick tease Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson) so he can become popular. Of course, Ronald’s rise in popularity takes its toll on his old friendships and he learns a valuable lesson in the end, punctuated by one of the first “slow clap” scenes in the history of cinema, later canonized in “Not Another Teen Movie.” The movie also features a 13-year-old Seth Green as Ronald’s feisty brother, Chuckie, who provides some of the picture’s best quotes.

Teen Wolf (1985)
Did the producers even consider hiring a consultant to make the basketball sequences seem somewhat realistic? Based on the unintentional comedy present in the final edit, I would guess not. I understand why the Wolf would be able to run and jump better than Scott Howard (played by the wispy Michael J. Fox), but why would his ball handling and shooting suddenly improve? Are werewolves intrinsically great at basketball, bowling and surfing on the top of a moving van? This movie generates lots and lots of questions, but few answers, so it’s best to just sit back and enjoy the ride. While Boof (Susan Ursitti), Stiles (Jerry Levine) and Chubby (Mark Holton) are all great, Coach Finstock (Jay Tarses) had the best quote: “There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.”

Saving Silverman (2001)
This flick wasn’t very well regarded critically (getting a woeful 16% on Rotten Tomatoes) or by audiences (a 5.4 at IMDb isn’t very good), but I love this movie just the same. Even though she’s easy on the eyes, I’m not a big fan of Amanda Peet, nor do I have much respect for the thespian work of her co-star, Jason Biggs. So why has “Silverman” earned a place on this list? Five words: Jack Black and Steve Zahn. Black has since moved into the spotlight, but Zahn is still one of the funniest supporting actors out there, and their performances as Biggs’ dimwitted friends, especially during the break-in scene, are absolutely priceless.

HONORABLE MENTION
The Karate Kid (1984): You know those movies you thought were great as a kid, and how they aren’t so great when you see them as an adult? Such is the case with “The Karate Kid,” only there’s a nostalgia factor here that shouldn’t be underestimated. “The Karate Kid” is an underdog story if there ever was one, and Daniel’s rise from the new kid in town to regional karate champion is legendary. Every so often I like to check in on Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio), Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) and, of course, the lovely Ali Mills (Elisabeth Shue). I swear, every time I see Daniel use that Crane Kick to defeat Cobra Kai bully Johnny (William Zabka) for the title, I get goose bumps. Wax on, wax off!

Jason Zingale
Associate Editor

Hackers (1995)
It’s not everyday you see a crappy film loaded with talent like Angelina Jolie, Jesse Bradford and Lorraine Bracco, but the 1995 Gen-X flick, “Hackers,” features all three in some of the most ridiculous roles of their careers. The film is actually about Jonny Lee Miller, who plays an 18-year-old hacker banned by the government from using a computer after writing a dangerous computer virus as a young boy. No longer restrained by his age restriction, Crash Override (that’s his hacker name, anyways), jumps back into the game by attempting to hack the ultimate security system and outdoing primo computer nerd, The Plague (Fischer Stevens). This is the ultimate popcorn flick if there ever was one, and though the concept is pretty lame (other hackers include Acid Burn, Cereal Killer and Lord Nikon), it’s great entertainment from resident hack Iain Softley.

A Night at the Roxbury (1998)
There’s not much one can say about “A Night at the Roxbury,” other than that it stands as one of the greatest skit-inspired films in “SNL” history. Starring Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan as the head-bopping Butabi brothers, the film is the supreme example of It’s So Stupid It’s Funny. The following is an example of said laughter- induced stupidity:

Doug: So anyways, I was standing there waiting to use the pay phone.
Steve: Yeah, he was, seriously.
Doug: And this guy who was on the phone, turns around and tips his hat like this.
Steve: And who do you think that guy was?
Doug: Emilio Estevez.
Steve: The Mighty Duck man himself, I swear to God, I was there.
Doug: Of course you were, you were the one who yelled the Breakfast Clubber's name.
Steve: I was like, "Emilio!”

Dodgeball (2004)
I don’t care who you are: watching people get hit in the face with a red rubber ball is hilarious, and the Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn comedy exploits that weakness by delivering several head and groin shots throughout the film. Sure, it’s not “The Godfather,” but it is funny, and I could watch that montage of Justin Long getting pelted with dodgeballs 500 times, and still roll on the floor in laughter if you showed it to me again. Other highlights include William Shatner (see below) as the Dodgeball Chancellor and hilarious cameos by Lance Armstrong, David Hasselhoff and Chuck Norris. Not enough? Then how about Gary Cole and Jason Bateman as the unlikely duo of tournament commentators? Perfect.

Mike Farley
Music Writer

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
I own the DVD of this and it makes me laugh every single time I put it in. Exactly why is it so funny to see these two dumbasses travel through time and make friends with the likes of Socrates and Buffalo Bill, all the while pursuing their own rock star dream? Yeah, I can’t explain it, either. But it’s funny whether you smoke a lot of dope or not.

Easy Money (1983)
I’m a sucker for the slapstick humor of Rodney Dangerfield. But this one lands among my guilty pleasures because it’s the kind of humor only guys can appreciate, i.e. you either watch it alone or with a bunch of your buddies. Dangerfield is hilarious in this role as a dude who needs to change his ways in order to inherit his mother-in-law’s fortune. Mostly it’s just because the dude could be funny if he was just standing still, but he’s hilarious in the role nonetheless.

Happy Gilmore (1996)
Really, any Adam Sandler movie could have landed here because most of them are pretty funny, and also because they usually follow the same basic plot formula. But this one to me is the funniest, because I have fond memories of watching this movie and then trying to imitate Sander’s character on the golf course (while in a drunken stupor, of course). Who among us hasn’t tried his running start approach to a tee shot? But what truly makes this movie great is the Bob Barker fight scene. [Read BE's review]

Deb Medsker
Contributor

The Cutting Edge (1992)
It’s a romantic comedy. About figure skaters. And yet…it’s so much more. Moira Kelly plays Kate Mosely, the temperamental figure skater for whom it seems no skating partner is good enough (and who, nonetheless, inexplicably chooses to remain a couples’ skater rather than going the solo route). D. B. Sweeney plays former hockey star Doug Dorsey, whose injury in the ’88 Olympics has sidelined his career…until Kate’s wily skating coach proposes an unconventional pairing. Can Doug learn a whole new type of skating in time to win Olympic gold? Will he ever melt the icy fortress around Kate’s heart? Will the cameras ever show those fancy skating moves from the neck up? You know the answers to these questions…and yet you remain compelled to watch the story play itself out. Worth watching for the “toe pick” montage alone…and if you’re not rooting for this pair to pull off the great Pamchenko of love, then you’re the one whose heart is frozen solid.

Superman III (1983)
For a long time, I did not even realize I was supposed to feel guilty for loving the third installment in the Superman franchise. I mean, it had everything: An evil computer. Kryptonite. Richard Pryor. And a thinly-veiled indictment of the tobacco industry. What’s not to love? Okay, it’s not like the first two installments. There’s no earthquake, no Lex Luthor, no flying around the world backwards to turn back time. There’s not even a “kneel before Zod.” But there’s still a good story here: Superman goes bad. Come on, admit it: Haven’t you always thought Superman was just a little too goody two-shoes? Haven’t you always wanted to watch someone smack that benevolent, holier-than-thou gaze right off his perfectly chiseled face? And who better to do the job…than Superman himself?

Laughably explained by the substitution of tobacco tar for an unidentifiable component of Kryptonite, Superman’s identity is split into good and evil halves…and guess who seems to have the edge? His drab cape stained the color of cheap red wine, his sturdy jaw sporting permanent five o’clock shadow, his tousled hair suggesting he just gave some lucky girl an orgasm of epic proportions, Evil Superman is a sight to behold. Proving himself the meanest of mean drunks in a hilarious scene involving peanuts and a smoldering bar mirror, Evil Superman then swaggers off to teach Goody Two Shoes a thing or two in -- where else? -- the local junkyard. Priceless.

Now, "Superman IV," on the other hand…that’s a different story. That thing’s irredeemable. I won’t lift a finger to defend it. But don’t lump it in with “Superman III”…or I might have to turn all evil on your ass.

Freejack (1992)
To enjoy the wonder that is “Freejack,” one must first accept the idea that a woman like Rene Russo would marry someone like Emilio Estevez. Let’s just acknowledge for the record that the only people who believe that that would happen in real life all happen to be named Emilio Estevez. But we can suspend that disbelief for a little while, can’t we? Oh, and let’s also just put aside our concerns about how the Cars of the Future all have that smooth, shapeless, aerodynamic plastic look to them, which suggests that they were in fact created for the movie by attaching pre-fabricated plastic shells made by Bobby’s Discount Car Effex Shoppe to a bunch of Chrysler K cars. We’re not going to worry about that.

Because, you see, the sheer delight of Freejack can be summed up in three gleeful words: Mick. Jagger. Acting. Honestly, he’s not half bad. As villain Victor Vicendak, who snatches the body of race car driver Alex Furlong (Estevez) out of its vehicle and fifteen years into the future seconds before a fatal crash, Jagger gives a loose, winking performance that is great fun to watch. Furlong is supposed to be physically alive but mentally inactive at the time of the snatch, in order to transplant the mind of a dying billionaire into Furlong’s healthy body…but when he wakes up, escapes, and tries to enlist help from his former fiancé (Russo), the chase is on. And you’ve never seen a chase ‘til you’ve seen one led by Mick Jagger: “Get the meat.” “One Mississippi…two Mississippi…”

David Medsker
Senior Editor

The Powerpuff Girls (Cartoon Network)
This show kicks, ass. Sure, the three leads are the girliest girls you’ve ever seen, but keep in mind that creator Craig McCracken originally wanted to call his show “The Whoopass Girls,” but obviously knew that Cartoon Network might have a hard time branding that name anywhere besides their Adult Swim block. The Girls’ nemesis, the overly chatty, big-hatted, jagged-toothed monkey Mojo Jojo, is one of the best villains in cartoon history, and you have to give props to any show, for adults or kids, that has a character saying “Someday monkey will play piano song.” Sound familiar? It’s a riff on Paul McCartney’s French-speaking line “Sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble” in the Beatles song “Michelle.” In their full-length movie, they go one better, including a character that says nothing but Van Halen lyrics and song titles. Clean, clever, butt-kicking fun.

Rock Star (CBS)
Despite the fact that I was appalled to hear that my childhood heroes INXS would go along with such a calculated campaign to find a replacement for Michael Hutchence, once I saw an episode, I was hopelessly sucked in. Well, that’s not entirely true. I skipped the “drama” episodes in favor of the performance episodes, and at times was truly amazed. Jordis’ version of the over-performed “Imagine” was magical, and Sweet Suzie McNeil’s performance of “Bohemian Rhapsody” was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen in my life, nearly bringing me to tears. In the end, they didn’t choose the nice guy (Marty), but they chose the right one (J.D.). I’m disappointed that Van Halen didn’t agree to be the next “Rock Star” band, but I’ll be watching no matter what ragtag supergroup they throw at us.

Just Say Julie (MTV)
Julie Brown is the textbook definition of being in on the joke. Her music was mostly throwaway novelty stuff, but there were some serious smarts in those songs as well. Witness “The Homecoming Queen’s Got a Gun” where, after the queen in question takes a bullet in the ear, Julie says, “So I ran down and I said – in her good ear – ‘Debbie, why’d you do it?’” Her MTV show, which ran from 1989 to 1992, was also filled with her trademark wit, which at one point led to her being taken hostage by Bon Jovi fans that had had enough of her claiming to be his fiancé. My favorite moment, however, will always be when she played the video for Sam Kinison’s “Wild Thing,” which featured a voluptuous Tawny Kitaen (David Coverdale’s ex-wife and Chuck Finley’s worst nightmare) walking through a cloud of smoke. Julie froze the shot, pointed at Kitaen’s breasts and said “Fake,” then pointed at her own ample-sized talents, and said, “Real.” And, at long last, it’s available on DVD. Thank heaven.

Will Harris
Entertainment Editor

Next (MTV)
I’m first to rail against MTV for having ceded the definition “M” in their name from “music” to “more reality-based crap than you can shake a stick at,” but there’s something about this dating show that causes me to stop each and every time I happen upon it. I’d like to tell you it’s because a lot of episodes feature lesbians…and, sure, that is part of it…but it’s mostly because I’m in awe of the way so many of the contestants act. My God, they’re awful! If you’re in a committed relationship at the moment and you’re unsure as to whether or not you’ve made the right decision, just tune in to a few episodes of “Next,” and you’ll stay right where you are, because, good lord, man, do you really want to leap back into the fray and date egotistical idiots and brain-dead jackanapes like these?

Bargain Hunt (BBC America)
Obsequious host David Dickinson lets two couples loose in a flea market with about $300 to spend (depending on the exchange rate; since it’s a British import, they’re working with pounds rather than dollars); each has an antiques expert with them, and their goal is to find items that will earn the most at a later auction. There are no huge prizes (winners get no more than whatever they make back at auction), but, somehow, the effect is highly addictive. It’s partially because Dickinson’s so smarmy, but you get caught up in the sometimes-ridiculous decisions of the contestants over the recommendations of the experts. “Well, I know you say the Faberge egg will sell well, but I quite fancy this drumstick signed by one of the members of Herman’s Hermits, instead.” Ah, the crestfallen looks on their faces when they realize what a horrible mistake they’ve made. It’s brilliant.

The Surreal Life (VH-1)
This, however, isn’t brilliant, and I wouldn’t even begin to claim it was, but, still, whoever came up with the idea of taking “The Real World” and replacing ordinary people with celebrities is a freaking genius. For one, the show deserves props for, well, propping up the careers of celebrities who were loitering on the cusp of oblivion, like Christopher Knight (“The Brady Bunch”) or Emmanuel Lewis (“Webster”). But, more importantly, who would’ve thought you’d get sucked into a love story between Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen, or get surprisingly excited while watching the post-rehab success of C.C. DeVille of Poison? There’s talk that the next season will include Randy “Macho Man” Savage, poker player Phil Helmuth, and Type O Negative frontman Peter Steele. But, c’mon, man, who will the token sitcom and reality show stars be? Enquiring minds with too much time on their hands want to know!

John Paulsen
Contributor

Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County (MTV)
I have a general rule against watching reality television, but I was completely sucked into a recent marathon of MTV’s “Laguna Beach.” I probably wouldn’t have tuned in weekly, but the back-to-back nature of the marathon (along with the fact that I had hours to kill and didn’t have anything else to watch) allowed me to stop thinking for almost an entire day as I followed the lives of a dozen mostly-spoiled kids who live not twenty minutes from my doorstep. The show’s format is almost Zen-like, peaceful and calming in an almost disturbing way, and it doesn’t hurt that it focuses on a handful of smokin’ hot chicks. The show drifts from scene to scene, as each day seems to consist of several meals, a shopping excursion, a trip to the beach and a party. These kids live the lives most people want, and they haven’t done a thing to deserve it. Lucky bastards.

The Dog Whisperer (National Geographic Channel)
The opening titles are cheesy as hell, but it’s amazing what dog psychology expert Cesar Millan can do with troubled canines. Millan works with the owners as much as their pets, as it’s usually the human’s fault that the dog is acting out. Millan was born in Mexico, and his broken English (“How things are going?”) brings some unintentional humor to the show. But he knows his stuff and dog owners should take notice. In fact, I’m thinking about buying my Boston terrier a doggie treadmill.

V (NBC)
Remember Marc Singer? That’s right, he was the Beastmaster. After that, he played Mike Donovan, leader of the human resistance against the reptilian aliens that invaded Earth in the television miniseries “V.” I thought this miniseries was the best thing going when I was ten, but when I watched it again a few years ago, I realized it hasn’t aged too well. Still, it’s fascinating to imagine how Earth’s first contact with another species might go, and there are enough twists and turns in the miniseries to keep most sci-fi fans interested. It even spawned a short-lived 19-episode television series in 1984, which helped to pay Singer’s rent for a stint in the mid-‘80s.

Jason Zingale
Associate Editor

Robot Chicken (Cartoon Network)
Whether it’s Optimus Prime suffering from prostrate cancer, Skeletor and Cobra Commander stuck in traffic, or the Superfriends appearing in their very own installment of “The Real World: Metropolis,” Seth Green’s stop-motion animation series, “Robot Chicken,” is the crowning gem atop Adult Swim’s late-night lineup. At only ten minutes long, the episodes are ADD-friendly and yet contain more pop culture references than an entire season of “Family Guy,” not to mention hilarious spoofs of films like “Kill Bill” – or in this case, “Kill Bunny,” featuring a vindictive Jesus out for the Easter Bunny’s head. And let’s not forget about the series’ long list of guest star voice talent, including industry pals like Seth McFarlane, Ashton Kutcher and Breckin Meyer, as well as cult actors like Bruce Campbell and Jon Heder.

Cash in the Attic (BBC America)
Everybody has at least one guilty pleasure that can be considered part of the reality TV family, and for me, it’s BBC America’s “Cash in the Attic.” Easily described as an exciting version of “Antiques Roadshow,” the series finds participants yearning to free up a little extra cash by finding items in their homes that they can sell at auction. With the help of an antiques expert – who offers an initial appraisal for each item – the participants spend half of the 30-minute show rummaging through attics, garages and anywhere else they can think to look to pull together a decent lot. After that, it’s to the auction house (the fascinating portion of the show), where some of the most mundane items sell for over twenty times their expected worth. It’s just too bad America doesn’t have the same kind of rich history to offer up anything that could actually be considered an antique.

Fastlane (Fox)
Two cops – one white, the other black – go undercover in the land of sandy beaches to take down the newest class of criminal masterminds. Sounds a little familiar, doesn’t it? Well, despite the obvious similarities to “Miami Vice,” the short-lived series also shared a striking resemblance to “The Fast & the Furious,” thanks in part to the lavish cars featured in each episode. Unfortunately, the show was cornered into the dreaded Friday night timeslot – which, as we all know, doesn’t produce the kind of ratings needed for a series with a $2.6 million-an-episode budget – and after a full season run, the show was axed by everyone’s favorite network, Fox. Okay, so the show’s stars (Peter Facinelli, Bill Bellamy and Tiffany “Sans Amber” Thiessen) aren’t the world’s greatest actors, but their onscreen chemistry certainly made up for it. The series also boasted cool guest stars like Terrence Howard, Mischa Barton, Jaime Pressly, Jay Mohr, and Robert Forester.

Mike Farley
Music Writer

American Idol (Fox)
Yeah, I could tell you I blogged this show as part of my job, but that would only be half the story. While I could do without Ryan Seacrest and Paula Abdul, I love watching some of these wannabes think they can sing, and love watching Simon Cowell tell them they in fact suck donkey balls. After that, and maybe this is because I work in the music industry, but it’s just fun to watch how things unfold and test my own judging abilities.

The Apprentice (NBC)
Though this reality show has become a bit of a train wreck in recent seasons, it’s still interesting to watch a bunch of corporate geeks compete to become a member of Donald Trump’s posse, and payroll. And I think what makes it the most fun is seeing how catty the contestants can be toward one another during the process. Of course, nothing says “guilty pleasure” like watching Donald Trump play in a starring role as Donald Trump.

Two and a Half Men (CBS)
Yes, a cheesy sitcom landed here too. Really, this is a guy’s show primarily because Charlie Sheen plays a character that pretty much resembles his real life persona, and also because most guys want to be that character. But there’s way more to this show. It’s just plain fucking hilarious. That kid Jake has got to be one of the most under-the-radar funny characters on television. Charlie’s housekeeper Berta is also worth the price of admission.

HONORABLE MENTION
The Food Network: I could watch “Seinfeld” reruns till the end of time, but that was too obvious a choice. Also, I’ve recently become hip to the Food Network. Yes, I like to cook, and yes, I’m man enough to admit that I like this channel, except for shows like “Barefoot Contessa.” I mean, a man does have to draw the line somewhere.

Deb Medsker
Contributor

Joe Schmo Show, Season One (Spike)
Just try to watch one episode of the “Joe Schmo Show’s” first season and not get hooked on the whole series. Seriously. You can’t do it. It’s not possible. A sort of real-life “Truman Show,” “Joe Schmo’s” premise was very simple: Every participant in this reality show was in on the gag except one. The patsy, “guys’ guy” Matt Kennedy Gould, thought he was competing in a legitimate reality program called “Lap of Luxury.” Everyone else was an actor playing one of the inevitable stereotypes that pop up on reality TV: The Naïve Virgin. The Crusty Veteran. The Flamboyant Gay Guy. The Asshole. The Rich Bitch. The Smarmy Host. And so on.

Thus, an extra level of cringe-worthiness is added to the standard reality TV setup: You cringe at how the housemates (thrown together in a mansion with a pool) treat one another…and then you cringe again because you know they’re just acting, but Matt (“Joe Schmo”) doesn’t. Then you ponder how evil and wrong it is that this is being allowed to happen. Then you feel dirty and depraved. Then you watch some more.

How guilty a pleasure is the “Joe Schmo Show”? One of the faux competitions on the show involves LICKING CHOCOLATE OFF A STRIPPER’S BODY to reveal hidden clues. And Joe Schmo can’t complete the contest! He’s more than excited about the presence of the stripper, and indeed he begins his stripper-licking in the general chestal area with great alacrity…but he is unable to complete the task because CHOCOLATE MAKES HIM GAG. BA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Fan-freaking-tastic.

Since “Joe Schmo” originally aired on Spike TV, it never got the audience that it would have on a larger network (why on earth the schlockmeisters at Fox didn’t snatch this up from the get-go is beyond me, unless they were worried about the chocolate-stripper-averse censors). However, it’s available on DVD, and I highly recommend – nay, command – that you watch it. And that you scrub yourself clean in the shower afterwards.

Wife Swap (ABC)
In my next life, I want to be a casting agent for “Wife Swap.” “Let’s see, who can I pair up with this vegetarian hippie who lives in Birkenstocks and hasn’t touched a broom in her life? OH!!! I know!!! Let’s swap her out with that obsessive-compulsive housewife from Jersey, you know, the one who vacuums her baseboards? Daily? And can we make sure there’s Italian Sausage on the menu?”

Surprisingly, this guaranteed train-wreck-a-week is brought to us by the family-friendly folks at ABC…home to manipulative tearjerker “Extreme Home Makeover,” which is perhaps the antithesis of “Wife Swap.” Whereas “EHM” is all about repairing families that have been “broken” by building them a shoddily-constructed home whipped together in a matter of days, “Wife Swap” is all about breaking those families apart. With the yin comes the yang, I suppose…

Got an overweight woman from the sticks? Put her in Manhattan, and let her new, yuppie fitness-freak “husband” humiliate her at the gym. And let’s see how that perky suburbanite who has mapped out the entire grocery store in order to organize her shopping list by aisle handles her new, white-trash seventeen-year-old “daughter,” who substitutes f-bombs not only for verbs and adjectives but also articles, nouns and prepositions.

Ahhhh, those “Wife Swap” casting agents: How they love to f with the f-ing f’s.

Melrose Place (Fox)
The epitome of guilty pleasure television, “Melrose” got off to a slow start, trying to “keep it real” by focusing on the many-flavored angst of post-college life…until the writers realized that all the audience really wanted was a) to see all of these beautiful people having sex with one another, b) to chastise gorgeous bitch Amanda Woodward (Heather Locklear) for leading the kind of life they only wish they could, and c) to maybe have Kimberley die, be resurrected, and then rip off her wig to reveal that nasty, alien-looking scar in one of the greatest television moments of all time.

David Medsker
Senior Editor

Kon Kan
If you hit the alternative clubs in the late ‘80s, you probably remember Kon Kan. They were a Canadian techno-pop duo who scored a hit with the song “I Beg Your Pardon,” which generously sampled Lynn Anderson’s song of the same name (you know, the one about the rose garden). Their American debut, Move to Move, was the most overproduced piece of techno sludge you’ve ever heard, with squawky, wanky keyboard lines everywhere, pedestrian songwriting, and the dullest singer (Kevin Wynne) you’ve ever heard. So why do I like it so damn much? Not sure, exactly. I was DJing back then, and I suppose the idea of assembling a song that uses elements of “These Boots Are Made for Walkin’,” “Tequila,” “The Immigrant Song” and “Good Times Bad Times,” then putting it all to a punishing scratch beat, was too crazy to resist. Wisely, the rest of the world did resist, but that won’t stop me from spinning “Harry Houdini” and the album’s title track every once in a while.

Ambrosia
My wife was saying she didn’t know any Ambrosia songs, so I started singing “How Much I Feel.” “Oh, I know that one,” she said. Then I belted out, “You’re the Only Woman.” “Oh, yeah, I know that one, too.” Granted, it’s bona fide wuss-pop-o-rama, but it’s good wuss pop, dammit. Sure, the protagonist in “How Much I Feel” admits in the third verse that he’s still in love with someone who’s not his wife, but perhaps that was just a by-product of the casual ‘70s. Either way, whenever one of their songs comes on the radio, I’m singing along like Samuel L. Jackson in “The Long Kiss Goodnight” when he hears England Dan & John Ford Coley. I can’t help it.

Mandy Moore: Coverage (2003)
That cute, mousy little teen popper makes a covers album. Surely it’ll be filled with junk like “Kokomo” and Debbie Gibson songs, right? Hardly. Try XTC, Todd Rundgren, Joan Armatrading, Joe Jackson, Elton John, John Hiatt and the Waterboys. Even better, she received help from Jellyfish’s Andy Sturmer and Semosonic’s Dan Wilson. It doesn’t always work (her cover of “One Way or Another” bites, and no one needs a remake of Carly Simon’s “Anticipation”), but goodness gracious, when this album is on, it’s freaking on. Before I even realized it, I was excited while listening to a Mandy Moore album. I’m not sure if it will be enough to make me buy another one of her records, but I will defend her honor to the ends of the earth solely for her versions of “Senses Working Overtime” and “Can We Still Be Friends?”.

HONORABLE MENTION
PM Dawn: The Bliss Album...? (1993): No one liked PM Dawn, right? That wussy fat rapper and his non-DJ DJ brother were posers, ya naw’m sayin’? Nonsense. The Bliss Album…? was one of the better pop records of 1993, and was a pretty inventive hip-hop album as well. They even had the guts to cover “Norwegian Wood.” I still regret leaving that at my then-girlfriend’s apartment after we broke up.

Will Harris
Entertainment Writer

Night Ranger
What is it that makes Night Ranger so much more of a guilty pleasure than others of their ilk? They had a top 10 hit with “Sister Christian” (famously used in “Boogie Nights”) and five additional Top 40 hits (including “Sentimental Street,” “Don’t Tell Me You Love Me,” and “Goodbye”), but there’s something about them that inspires mass ridicule when you mention their name. Not here, baby. No way. Their first three albums – Dawn Patrol, Midnight Madness, and Seven Wishes – are awesome slabs of ‘80s rock, and their 1987 disc, Big Life, is one of the most underrated pop-rock albums of all time. You can still rock in America, my friend…and Night Ranger are living proof.

Paul Lekakis, "You Blow Me Away" (1990)
Paul Lekakis had precisely one hit…and this isn’t it. No, the song that gained him any semblance of fame he may retain today is the über-stupid “Boom Boom (Let’s Go Back to My Room).” Ugh. This, however, appears on the same album (Tattoo It), and it’s a pop song so sugary that it’ll rot your teeth right out of your head. "You blow me away / The things that you do / The things that you say to me / Yeah, you / Blow me away / Night after night / Day after day / You’re blowing me away." If you ever dare to check it out, be forewarned that with only one listen, you’re dooming yourself to have it stuck in your subconscious for the rest of your natural life. I kid you not, dear reader; take heed, lest ye fall victim to its curse!

Debbie Gibson: Greatest Hits (1996)
I’m not even going to make the “but she writes her own songs” excuse. Like many guys of my generation, I totally had a thing for Debbie Gibson, so much so that I even wrote to her fan club in order to score an autographed photo. (I never got one, dammit.) It was such a running joke amongst my friends that, when I graduated from college, my friend Corine bought me a Gibson CD/concert video set. Nice. Cuteness, however, is no excuse for buying albums...but when you’ve seen her videos repeatedly, the songs get stuck in your head, so I figured if I’ve got to own one CD, it might as well be a best-of. So, yes, I like “Out of the Blue,” “Shake Your Love” (even though Bill Hicks made it dirty), “Lost in Your Eyes,” “Only In My Dreams,” and even “Foolish Beat.” So sue me.

John Paulsen
Contributor

Andrea McArdle, "It’s The Hard-Knock Life" (1987)
I’m not a big fan of Broadway musicals or kids, so why I like this song is beyond me. McArdle sets it up with her lead-ins and the orphans (singing backup) absolutely knock it out of the park. It’s got a great melody and tempo, and as I just discovered, only after five straight listens does it start to become grating. I’d feel like a total douche admitting to this guilty pleasure if not for Jay-Z’s use of the song in “Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem)” from his album Vol 2…Hard Knock Life. Looks like McArdle has some street cred after all.

Christina Aguilera, "Beautiful" (2002)
As a self-proclaimed hipster, it’s tough to cop to having any (musical) affection for Aguilera, but Xtina shows off her impressive voice in this terrific song, which was written by former 4 Non Blondes frontwoman Linda Perry. As is the case with most pop princesses with vocal flaws, Aguilera has a tendency to use too much vibrato, but she does have one of the best voices of the bunch, and she keeps it pretty reined in during this track. The result? Simple pop perfection.

Jane Wiedlin, "Blue Kiss" (1985)
If I were only 16 years older, I imagine I would have been a Go-Go’s groupie, chasing after the lovely Jane Wiedlin while all the other fellas were knocking on Belinda Carlisle’s door. “Blue Kiss” is the best song off her self-titled debut, which she recorded after she left the Go-Go’s, due to Carlisle’s refusal to let her sing her own songs. It’s got an infectious chorus and spotlights her shy, but considerable vocals. On a side note, I just discovered that she and I grew up about ten minutes apart in the distant suburbs of Milwaukee, WI. I went to KM, Jane! (She’ll know what that means.)

Jason Zingale
Associate Editor

Sia, "Breathe Me" (2005)
Allow me to let you in on a little secret: You know that guy who puts together the movie trailers you see at theaters right before the feature presentation? I want to be that guy, and as part of my new undertaking, “Breathe Me” – the beautiful track from Australian-born Sia - would get first dibs as the trailer song on just about every drama. Just listening to her raspy voice over the simple piano beat sends chills down my spine; not to mention the sheer fact that any guy would go crazy if placed in a room alone with her. Oh, and did I mention that she’s also the niece of Men at Work frontman (and frequent “Scrubs” artist) Colin Hay? It doesn’t get any cooler than that.

Jordan Chan: Hug (2001)
Okay, so you’re probably reading this and thinking, “Who the hell is Jordan Chan?” Good question, but if you happen to live on the other side of the world, the name might sound a little more familiar. The Chinese-born pop sensation - who is also one of the hardest working actors in the Hong Kong television and film industry - has been reinventing the hip-hop genre for well over a decade. And while Chan’s unique sound continues to evolve with each successive album, 2001’s Hug still remains his best work to date. From the R&B-infused title track to the piano ballad, “Disqualified,” Jordan Chan’s Hug is unlike anything you’ve ever heard; quite literally. Other albums to check out include That’s Mine and the more recent Heartless You.

William Shatner, "Common People"/"I Am Canadian" (2004/2000)
There’s just something about the idea of the Shatman crooning that begs it not to be taken very seriously, and how can you when the guy’s musical history includes that god-awful rendition of Elton John’s “Rocket Man”? On the contrary, not only is Shatner’s version of the Pulp track “Common People” better, but it’ll completely throw your friends for a loop when Captain James T. Kirk starts blaring from your car stereo speakers. And as a companion piece to “Common People,” the pop icon’s candid “Just for Laughs” performance of “I Am Canadian” (which features lyrics like: “I’m not a Starfleet Commander or T.J. Hooker / I don’t live on Starship NCC-1701 or own a phaser / I don’t know anyone named Bones, Sulu or Spock”) is absolutely priceless.

Mike Farley
Music Writer

Sade
Okay, any guy that’s ever seen Sade in concert knows how hot she is. But any guy that listens to her music and likes it can’t possibly call it anything but a guilty pleasure. With songs like “Smooth Operator,” “Your Love Is King,” and “Cherry Pie,” her music is sexy but still considered to be chick music. But I’m guilty of liking this stuff a lot, so that’s why it’s on my list.

Carly Simon
I grew up in the seventies and while there are all kinds of artists from that era that could have wound up on my guilty pleasures list, James Taylor’s ex-wife earns my vote. You can tell a lot about a guy by what songs are on his iTunes “Top 25 Most Played” list, and Carly manages to land there way too often for me with songs like “You Belong to Me” and “Haven’t Got Time for the Pain.” Those songs are just somehow comforting to me. What can I say?

Night Ranger
Yeah, there are plenty of eighties/hair/metal/ guitar-slinging/spandex-wearing bands like this that could have made the list, but I’m choosing this one. Maybe Night Ranger was once considered cool, but now only true mullets follow this soft metal band around. I’m no mullet, but I’m a sucker for a good melody and this band always delivered them with songs like “Sister Christian,” “Don’t Tell Me You Love Me” and “Sentimental Street.”

Deb Medsker
Contributor

Ace of Base
Okay, come on: when was the last time you heard anyone jamming on a flute (it is a flute, isn’t it?) the way Ace of Base does on “All that She Wants”? It’s like the freaking Pied Piper, calling you out onto the dance floor, making you do things you know you shouldn’t, and yet, you cannot resist. The flute is too powerful. All that she wants is another baby. She’s going to get you.

Styx
It’s not horrifically uncool to like Pieces of Eight-era Styx…which is a good thing, because I nearly wet my pants with giddiness when Chris Daughtry sang “Renegade” on “American Idol.” What’s not so cool is to dig late-period Styx. Specifically, Kilroy Was Here-era Styx. Specifically, “Mr. Roboto.” When this song came out in 1983, I thought it was the coolest thing I had ever heard. Most people grew out of that. I never did. This poignant saga of the tragic figure that just needed somewhere to hide, to keep him alive, spoke to me at a very primal level, and raised a million questions. Is he a man? A machine? Both? His heart is human, his blood is boiling; his brain IBM. What will he do? Where will he go? Can he ever take that mask off? What if he gets a zit underneath it? Does he still have to pee? Can he have sex? Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto, for helping me escape whenever I need to…even now.

Hanson
“MmmBop.” I like it. I’m sorry. I’ve tried to not like it. I can’t do it. It’s just too darn catchy. Stupid home-schooled prodigies with their stupid irresistible hook. Why couldn’t they just let their eyes glaze over playing video games, like normal kids? And, dammit, “Yearbook” is a surprisingly mature song for a bunch of goddamn kids, too. Freakish punks. I hate them. And yet, I don’t.