The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)
The director, Renny Harlin, was once dubbed the Finnish Steven Spielberg, but was in fact a Hacky McHacksterpants in disguise. Actioneer Shane Black was the most overpaid screenwriter in the ‘90s not named Joe Eszterhas. Put the two together, and it’s like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: neither the chocolate nor the peanut butter is any good, but damn, do they taste great together. Sure, there’s a scene where Geena Davis laces up ice skates, skates across a pond and blows up a car in about 30 seconds’ time, and there’s another scene where Davis and Samuel L. Jackson outrun the slowest fireball in movie history. But the movie’s greatness lies in its supporting cast. Craig Bierko (“Cinderella Man,” “Scary Movie 4”) is the baddie, and the ever-reliable David Morse is Davis’ “fiancé,” but everyone from Davis on down bows before the great Brian Cox as Davis’ handler. His speech about a cleanliness-obsessed dog is one for the ages, as is Jackson’s use of Muddy Waters’ “I’m a Man” as a memory device. And just try not singing England Dan & John Ford Coley’s “Really Love to See You Tonight” when the credits roll. It’s sublimely bad/good, though I’m still not sure if chefs really do that.
Mystery Men (1999)
The low profile of this movie, frankly, surprises me. It has ‘cult classic’ written all over it, what with the whole amateur-superhero storyline. And yet, seven years later, when the moviegoing public is in the throes of a Batman/Superman/Spider-Man trifecta, the movie is all but lost in the mists of time. A crime against humanity, say I. The cast is hipster gold, featuring Ben Stiller, William H. Macy, Hank Azaria, Janeane Garofalo, Paul Reubens, Geoffrey Rush, Greg Kinnear, Wes Studi, and a hilarious performance by singer Tom Waits as an inventor of non-lethal weapons (my personal favorite: the Blamethrower). Even Dane Cook shows up during an audition sequence (he’s the Waffler). The movie hilariously lampoons the whole Superman/Clark Kent thing – no one recognizes Kinnear’s Captain Amazing because his alter ego, Lance Hunt, wears glasses – and there is nothing funnier than seeing a superhero practice his witty one-liners, along with his fake foreign accent, in the mirror at home (“I didn’t expect to see you again so…spoon!”). If you’re a fanboy, and you haven’t seen “Mystery Men,” then you’re not a fanboy.
Starship Troopers (1997)
Casper Van Dien tries – and fails – desperately to convince us that he’s tough enough to run the Roughnecks. Dina Meyer has an inexplicable crush on Van Dien, though that does lead to her showing us her fabulous breasts. Neil Patrick Harris can communicate telepathically with his ferret. And Denise Richards smiles like she’s never smiled before. Oh, and they are all fighting against giant arachnid bugs that stand eight feet tall and can disembowel a human in half a second. Welcome to the delightfully loopy, ultraviolent, neo-Nazi paradise that is “Starship Troopers” (it’s not just for Yes fans anymore). Director Paul Verhoeven has practically made his career on fascist-themed material (“Robocop,” “Total Recall”), but he lets it all hang out on “Troopers,” throwing the grunt troops (notice they all have Latino names like Rico, Flores and Ibanez) in the ring against arachnids, giant flamethrowing beetles, and a big brain bug that sucks Patrick Muldoon’s melon completely dry. There’s even a scene where they’re playing arena football. Sports, sex, bugs and death: the ingredients for bad movie goodness.
Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion (1997)
On the surface, it seems like a total chick flick…but, then, there’s that do-those-legs-go-all-the- way-up shot of Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow on the movie poster that’ll catch any straight man’s eye. The tight outfits the pair are prone to wearing through the film make it imminently watchable, but, honest to God, it’s also hilarious. When Romy and Michelle come up with the excruciatingly bad idea to attend their reunion and claim that they invented Post-Its, you’ll find you can’t look away until you actually see the plan unravel (as you know it will). The supporting cast, which includes Alan Cumming, Camryn Manheim, and perfect bitch Julia Campbell, is also top notch. Janeane Garofalo, however, gets the best line when she asks, “Why don't you tell everyone I said to go fuck themselves for making my teen years a living hell?” Hmmm…should I use that at my own reunion this October?
Cannonball Run II (1984)
It’s bad. I know it’s bad. Roger Ebert, whose opinion matters more to me than almost any other film critic out there, only gave it half a star upon its original release, describing it as “one of the laziest insults to the intelligence of moviegoers that I can remember.” And, yet, it’s filled with so many gleefully stupid performances by so many big names – including Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr., and…yes!...Charles Nelson Reilly!!! – that I’ll watch it every time I happen upon it…well, as long as I haven’t missed Frank Sinatra’s appearance, that is. It’s painfully obvious that the Chairman of the Board couldn’t be bothered to make it to the set; he’s purportedly having a conversation with Burt Reynolds, but they’re never in the shot at the same time…and when they’re supposed to be, all you see is the back of “Sinatra’s” head. Dude, it is so not Sinatra.
Flash Gordon (1980)
Possibly the most fascinating thing about this movie is that it was directed by the same fellow who went on to helm 1998’s “Croupier,” a very impressive flick which introduced the world at large to Clive Owen…but, then, he also directed “Morons from Outer Space,” so it all evens out, I reckon. Not until Warren Beatty’s “Dick Tracy” would there be such a brightly-colored spectacle unleashed on the silver screen as “Flash Gordon.” With its pounding soundtrack by Queen – including that awesome theme song – and incredibly bad acting by Sam Jones as Flash, Ornella Muti as Princess Aura, and Melody Anderson as Dale Arden. (“Flash, Flash, I love you…but we only have fourteen hours to save the earth!”) Max Von Sydow, however, IS Ming the Merciless, and he’s evil incarnate. UK fans should look for the 25th anniversary DVD, which features audio commentary by Prince Vultan himself, Brian Blessed.
Can't Buy Me Love (1987)
I don’t know what it is about this flick, but if I’m flipping channels and I run across it , I’m in it until the end. Before he was Dr. McDreamy on “Grey’s Anatomy,” Patrick Dempsey had a burgeoning movie career, ignited by this performance as the geeky Ronald Miller, who uses the proceeds from his lawn-mowing business to rent the services of school hottie/dick tease Cindy Mancini (Amanda Peterson) so he can become popular. Of course, Ronald’s rise in popularity takes its toll on his old friendships and he learns a valuable lesson in the end, punctuated by one of the first “slow clap” scenes in the history of cinema, later canonized in “Not Another Teen Movie.” The movie also features a 13-year-old Seth Green as Ronald’s feisty brother, Chuckie, who provides some of the picture’s best quotes.
Teen Wolf (1985)
Did the producers even consider hiring a consultant to make the basketball sequences seem somewhat realistic? Based on the unintentional comedy present in the final edit, I would guess not. I understand why the Wolf would be able to run and jump better than Scott Howard (played by the wispy Michael J. Fox), but why would his ball handling and shooting suddenly improve? Are werewolves intrinsically great at basketball, bowling and surfing on the top of a moving van? This movie generates lots and lots of questions, but few answers, so it’s best to just sit back and enjoy the ride. While Boof (Susan Ursitti), Stiles (Jerry Levine) and Chubby (Mark Holton) are all great, Coach Finstock (Jay Tarses) had the best quote: “There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.”
Saving Silverman (2001)
This flick wasn’t very well regarded critically (getting a woeful 16% on Rotten Tomatoes) or by audiences (a 5.4 at IMDb isn’t very good), but I love this movie just the same. Even though she’s easy on the eyes, I’m not a big fan of Amanda Peet, nor do I have much respect for the thespian work of her co-star, Jason Biggs. So why has “Silverman” earned a place on this list? Five words: Jack Black and Steve Zahn. Black has since moved into the spotlight, but Zahn is still one of the funniest supporting actors out there, and their performances as Biggs’ dimwitted friends, especially during the break-in scene, are absolutely priceless.
HONORABLE MENTION
The Karate Kid (1984): You know those movies you thought were great as a kid, and how they aren’t so great when you see them as an adult? Such is the case with “The Karate Kid,” only there’s a nostalgia factor here that shouldn’t be underestimated. “The Karate Kid” is an underdog story if there ever was one, and Daniel’s rise from the new kid in town to regional karate champion is legendary. Every so often I like to check in on Daniel LaRusso (Ralph Macchio), Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) and, of course, the lovely Ali Mills (Elisabeth Shue). I swear, every time I see Daniel use that Crane Kick to defeat Cobra Kai bully Johnny (William Zabka) for the title, I get goose bumps. Wax on, wax off! |
Hackers (1995)
It’s not everyday you see a crappy film loaded with talent like Angelina Jolie, Jesse Bradford and Lorraine Bracco, but the 1995 Gen-X flick, “Hackers,” features all three in some of the most ridiculous roles of their careers. The film is actually about Jonny Lee Miller, who plays an 18-year-old hacker banned by the government from using a computer after writing a dangerous computer virus as a young boy. No longer restrained by his age restriction, Crash Override (that’s his hacker name, anyways), jumps back into the game by attempting to hack the ultimate security system and outdoing primo computer nerd, The Plague (Fischer Stevens). This is the ultimate popcorn flick if there ever was one, and though the concept is pretty lame (other hackers include Acid Burn, Cereal Killer and Lord Nikon), it’s great entertainment from resident hack Iain Softley.
A Night at the Roxbury (1998)
There’s not much one can say about “A Night at the Roxbury,” other than that it stands as one of the greatest skit-inspired films in “SNL” history. Starring Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan as the head-bopping Butabi brothers, the film is the supreme example of It’s So Stupid It’s Funny. The following is an example of said laughter- induced stupidity:
Doug: So anyways, I was standing there waiting to use the pay phone.
Steve: Yeah, he was, seriously.
Doug: And this guy who was on the phone, turns around and tips his hat like this.
Steve: And who do you think that guy was?
Doug: Emilio Estevez.
Steve: The Mighty Duck man himself, I swear to God, I was there.
Doug: Of course you were, you were the one who yelled the Breakfast Clubber's name.
Steve: I was like, "Emilio!”
Dodgeball (2004)
I don’t care who you are: watching people get hit in the face with a red rubber ball is hilarious, and the Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn comedy exploits that weakness by delivering several head and groin shots throughout the film. Sure, it’s not “The Godfather,” but it is funny, and I could watch that montage of Justin Long getting pelted with dodgeballs 500 times, and still roll on the floor in laughter if you showed it to me again. Other highlights include William Shatner (see below) as the Dodgeball Chancellor and hilarious cameos by Lance Armstrong, David Hasselhoff and Chuck Norris. Not enough? Then how about Gary Cole and Jason Bateman as the unlikely duo of tournament commentators? Perfect.
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989)
I own the DVD of this and it makes me laugh every single time I put it in. Exactly why is it so funny to see these two dumbasses travel through time and make friends with the likes of Socrates and Buffalo Bill, all the while pursuing their own rock star dream? Yeah, I can’t explain it, either. But it’s funny whether you smoke a lot of dope or not.
Easy Money (1983)
I’m a sucker for the slapstick humor of Rodney Dangerfield. But this one lands among my guilty pleasures because it’s the kind of humor only guys can appreciate, i.e. you either watch it alone or with a bunch of your buddies. Dangerfield is hilarious in this role as a dude who needs to change his ways in order to inherit his mother-in-law’s fortune. Mostly it’s just because the dude could be funny if he was just standing still, but he’s hilarious in the role nonetheless.
Happy Gilmore (1996)
Really, any Adam Sandler movie could have landed here because most of them are pretty funny, and also because they usually follow the same basic plot formula. But this one to me is the funniest, because I have fond memories of watching this movie and then trying to imitate Sander’s character on the golf course (while in a drunken stupor, of course). Who among us hasn’t tried his running start approach to a tee shot? But what truly makes this movie great is the Bob Barker fight scene. [Read BE's review]
The Cutting Edge (1992)
It’s a romantic comedy. About figure skaters. And yet…it’s so much more. Moira Kelly plays Kate Mosely, the temperamental figure skater for whom it seems no skating partner is good enough (and who, nonetheless, inexplicably chooses to remain a couples’ skater rather than going the solo route). D. B. Sweeney plays former hockey star Doug Dorsey, whose injury in the ’88 Olympics has sidelined his career…until Kate’s wily skating coach proposes an unconventional pairing. Can Doug learn a whole new type of skating in time to win Olympic gold? Will he ever melt the icy fortress around Kate’s heart? Will the cameras ever show those fancy skating moves from the neck up? You know the answers to these questions…and yet you remain compelled to watch the story play itself out. Worth watching for the “toe pick” montage alone…and if you’re not rooting for this pair to pull off the great Pamchenko of love, then you’re the one whose heart is frozen solid.
Superman III (1983)
For a long time, I did not even realize I was supposed to feel guilty for loving the third installment in the Superman franchise. I mean, it had everything: An evil computer. Kryptonite. Richard Pryor. And a thinly-veiled indictment of the tobacco industry. What’s not to love? Okay, it’s not like the first two installments. There’s no earthquake, no Lex Luthor, no flying around the world backwards to turn back time. There’s not even a “kneel before Zod.” But there’s still a good story here: Superman goes bad. Come on, admit it: Haven’t you always thought Superman was just a little too goody two-shoes? Haven’t you always wanted to watch someone smack that benevolent, holier-than-thou gaze right off his perfectly chiseled face? And who better to do the job…than Superman himself?
Laughably explained by the substitution of tobacco tar for an unidentifiable component of Kryptonite, Superman’s identity is split into good and evil halves…and guess who seems to have the edge? His drab cape stained the color of cheap red wine, his sturdy jaw sporting permanent five o’clock shadow, his tousled hair suggesting he just gave some lucky girl an orgasm of epic proportions, Evil Superman is a sight to behold. Proving himself the meanest of mean drunks in a hilarious scene involving peanuts and a smoldering bar mirror, Evil Superman then swaggers off to teach Goody Two Shoes a thing or two in -- where else? -- the local junkyard. Priceless.
Now, "Superman IV," on the other hand…that’s a different story. That thing’s irredeemable. I won’t lift a finger to defend it. But don’t lump it in with “Superman III”…or I might have to turn all evil on your ass.
Freejack (1992)
To enjoy the wonder that is “Freejack,” one must first accept the idea that a woman like Rene Russo would marry someone like Emilio Estevez. Let’s just acknowledge for the record that the only people who believe that that would happen in real life all happen to be named Emilio Estevez. But we can suspend that disbelief for a little while, can’t we? Oh, and let’s also just put aside our concerns about how the Cars of the Future all have that smooth, shapeless, aerodynamic plastic look to them, which suggests that they were in fact created for the movie by attaching pre-fabricated plastic shells made by Bobby’s Discount Car Effex Shoppe to a bunch of Chrysler K cars. We’re not going to worry about that.
Because, you see, the sheer delight of Freejack can be summed up in three gleeful words: Mick. Jagger. Acting. Honestly, he’s not half bad. As villain Victor Vicendak, who snatches the body of race car driver Alex Furlong (Estevez) out of its vehicle and fifteen years into the future seconds before a fatal crash, Jagger gives a loose, winking performance that is great fun to watch. Furlong is supposed to be physically alive but mentally inactive at the time of the snatch, in order to transplant the mind of a dying billionaire into Furlong’s healthy body…but when he wakes up, escapes, and tries to enlist help from his former fiancé (Russo), the chase is on. And you’ve never seen a chase ‘til you’ve seen one led by Mick Jagger: “Get the meat.” “One Mississippi…two Mississippi…” |