 I'm not an excessively talkative guy. Sure, I'll chat about nearly any sport imaginable and I love debating issues like the greatest Beatles album (<I>Abbey Road</I>), the best cereal (Cap'n Crunch) and the hottest actress on the big screen (still undecided, but I'm leaning toward Denise Richards or maybe Elizabeth Hurley). But while I'd say that I'm a conversationalist, I'm not the kind of guy who's going to prattle on for hours about the most inane topics known to man.
Sit me in front of a computer, though, and put my fingers on a keyboard and suddenly I mutate into that annoying kid from fifth-period study hall who wouldn't stop telling you his thoughts on the key differences between 7-Up and Sprite. Only I'd much rather discuss the key differences between the 2000 Rams and this year's dreadful version, but that's a column for another week.
I've known about my "keyboard diarrhea" for years but it's an ailment that I can't cure. In high school my papers were always a couple pages too long and in college, I started turning hardbound books into my weary professors. These days, I have every intention of keeping my columns between 1,000-1,200 words but I very rarely hit that mark.
Actually, I <I>always</I> hit that mark, but then moments later I find myself hundreds of words beyond it.
The problem is, there's always so much to talk about in the world of sports, from scandals and injuries to great games and coach firings, and 1,000 words are never enough. This week, though, I'll stick to my limit, giving you more time to discover the many wonders of our Website. It'll be tough, but it's time I show some resolve and a bit of restraint. I have to prove to myself that I can do this before the carpal tunnel sets in. As always, I've got a lot to say but today, I've only got 1,000 words to say it.
The New York Yankees -- the biggest waste of $150 million. Ever.
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Why would anybody pitch to Barry Bonds in the postseason?
Did you hear that the NFL trading deadline passed Tuesday? That's right, and for the fifth time in the past eight years, no deals were made on deadline day.
Was that Shawn Kemp I saw in an Orlando jersey? Looks like he's about 320 pounds now…. Hmm, must've shed a few in rehab.
Speaking of the Magic, I actually saw a Grant Hill highlight that didn't involve him lying on the ground, clutching his foot in pain. Amazing.
Why is everybody so worried about Jay Fiedler's injury? I mean, it's Jay Fiedler we're talking about, not Dan Marino or even Damon
Huard.
Is there any quarterback in football on a shorter leash than Denver's Brian
Griese?
Is there a bigger whiner in baseball than San Fran's Kenny Lofton?
NBA commish David Stern, hoping to curb the number of athletes who leave school early, says he's in favor of giving college athletes a stipend in addition to their scholarships so they'll be able to "visit their families during the holidays or take in a movie." Yeah, I'm sure having the extra cash to catch "Tuck Everlasting" is going to make multi-million dollar NBA contracts a little less appealing.
The White Sox invoked a "diminishing skills" clause in Frank Thomas' contract, dropping his 2003 salary from $10 million to $250,000. Too bad CBS can't do that with their entire NFL Today cast -- those guys are pathetic, especially Jim
Nantz, who's got the personality of a rusty thumbtack.
How is Florida, at 4-3 after getting beat up by LSU 36-7, still in the top 25? And is that <I>really</I> 5-0 Bowling Green sliding in at #23? As a proud MAC alum (Ohio University), I've gotta say one thing: It won't last.
The Cleveland Indians decided not to pick up Jaret Wright's option for next year…at $6 million. Wonder how long it took GM Mark Shapiro to make that decision.
Apparently, Utah Jazz forward Karl Malone is contemplating retirement after this season. Let me be the first of many to say, "good riddance." Mailman, take your flying elbows and your ringless fingers, get on your tractor and go home.
A stripper claimed Mike Tyson grabbed her and head-butted her near her left eye in a Phoenix club earlier this year. The woman's boyfriend then claimed he was punched in the chin by Tyson when he tried to interfere. The charges have been dropped after reports said no "visible evidence" of these assaults could be seen on either the stripper or her boyfriend. That's probably the right call -- if Tyson head-butts you in the face or punches you in the mouth, I'm pretty sure there'd be plenty of "visible evidence" to validate assault charges.
Memo to Lou Piniella: I understand the desire to work closer to home, but do you really want to manage the Devil Rays? Give Fred McGriff a call and ask him if that misery is really worth a couple extra dinners with your family.
The Bengirls are 0-6. Two years ago, they started 0-6, 1-10 in 1999, 2-12 in '98, 1-7 in '97, 1-6 in '96, 0-8 in '94, 0-10 in '93 and 0-8 in '91. Hell, I don't even need to crack a joke here.
I obviously have much more to say (I didn't mention the joy I feel in watching the Knicks implode before the season even starts), but my words are fast approaching that 1,000-mark -- I'm currently at 927.
Don't expect this level of self-control every week, but it's nice to know that, when called upon, I can deliver a succinct column with just 1,000 words. Like George Steinbrenner avoiding a pricey free agent, it's been a struggle, but I succeeded.
And now, time to wrap up with 20 words to go:
If the lowly Browns can't beat the lowlier Texans this week, I just may cry myself to sleep Sunday night.
In other words, Couch hasn't exactly been surrounded by an All-Pro cast. This
year the talent's been better but there's still no offensive line in Cleveland
and rookie running back William Green has been worthless. Browns fans are
getting restless, though, and with each win added to McNabb's growing total even
more begin to question the Couch selection in 1999 and his future with the team.
He's shown signs of finally "figuring it out," but he's still making
too many mistakes and, in the end, the Browns simply aren't winning with Couch
behind center. I've been one of his most loyal supporters and I'm certainly not
ready to jump on the Kelly Holcomb backup bandwagon just yet, but if Couch
doesn't start winning consistently he'll soon be saddled with that
"bust" label that's pushed so many highly touted quarterbacks before
him into permanent retirement.
That seems to be the path Smith and McNown are following. Smith started just
four games during his rookie year; McNown six. Smith started 11 games in 2000;
McNown nine. The QB rating for both during those 15 games was pathetic: 54.2 and
67.7, respectively.
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