Red Sox and Cubs in the World Series? Maybe when...

Red Sox and Cubs in the World Series? Maybe when...

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Bullz-Eye Special Feature: Thousands of baseball fans in Chicago and Boston thought this was the year the Cubs and Red Sox would finally end their respective championship droughts. Instead, both the Red Sox and Cubs choked, and their respective curses live on.

Partial transcript of a future newscast from Hell:

Male anchor: Our top story today on WDVL, confusion reigns in the Dark Kingdom as temperatures continue to plunge. Some areas have reported temperatures as low as 37 degrees this afternoon under rare overcast skies while many others have seen steady dips into the low-40s. For a region that's typically hovering around 125 degrees, these latest developments are certainly a bit troublesome.

Female anchor: That's right, Ted, but the startling news doesn't stop there. As we first reported here on Channel 666 News, the Underworld's weather changed dramatically about a week ago, and while most residents originally welcomed the cooler temperatures, we're now approaching record lows. Recently, there have even been a few scattered reports of some early morning frost in a handful of areas, which has many wondering if even more abnormal conditions are on the way. Right now, we're going to send you to Margo Flemming, who has the very latest from the Infernal Weather Service. Margo, what the heaven is going on?

Margo Flemming: Well Janice, that's a good question, and right now the Infernal Weather Service doesn't have many answers. Of course, the IWS doesn't get much work throughout the year -- I mean, how hard is it to say that it's really, really hot? But the IWS officials I've spoken with don't seem to have much information about why we're experiencing these sharp temperature drops, though they have told me that, in fact, more erratic conditions are likely on the way. "Believe it or not," said one official, "we could see significant snowfall in two or three Rings of Hell by tomorrow afternoon." He went on to say that accumulation could reach several inches by the end of the week. Of course, the last known snowfall in the Netherworld occurred in 1970, which ironically was the same year that bitch Yoko Ono broke up the Beatles. Man... I can't wait to smack her around a bit once she's down here... . Oh, um... that's it from the IWS. I'll have more information as it becomes available.

Female Anchor: Thanks, Margo. In response to this forecast for snow from the IWS, WDVL has just received an official announcement from the Ministry of Mayhem. Lucifer himself warns that any residents caught making snow angels will have another eternity of suffering tacked onto their current unending sentences. Punishments could include methodical digit amputation, perpetually volcanic diarrhea, and subjection to an everlasting onslaught of Detroit Tigers highlights.

Male Anchor: Man, that's harsh, Janice.

Female Anchor: Yes, very cruel, Ted. The Tigers blow.

Male Anchor: But what does this all mean for you? You probably didn't know, since schools are normally open 23 hours a day, seven days a week here in Hell, but Channel 666 News is your only source for school closings, so be sure to tune in throughout this weather emergency for up-to-the-minute bulletins. And since we're not exactly equipped for these potential blizzard conditions, many residents will be forced to shovel sidewalks with spoons and Popsicle sticks. More on that development later.

Female Anchor: WDVL also just learned that tomorrow's exhibition game between the 1919 Black Sox and the Hades Hellions has already been postponed due to weather concerns. No makeup date has been set. And speaking of baseball, sports anchor Lester Jackson is here to provide us with a preview of the Mortals' upcoming World Series. Lester, what do you have for us?

Lester Jackson: That's right, Janice. While we're down here dealing with frost warnings and plummeting temperatures, the Mortals are ready for the start of the 2003 World Series. After first knocking off the A's in the ALDS and then the Yankees in the ALCS, the Boston Red Sox are set to do battle with the Chicago Cubs, who rolled over the Braves and the Giants in the National League.

The Cubs are led by dynamic pitchers Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, who combined for 32 wins and 511 strikeouts in 425 innings of work this season. And of course, they've got Sammy Sosa's corked lumber in the middle of the lineup, along with RBI guys Moises Alou and Aramis Ramirez. Chicago doesn't have the sticks to match Boston's offense but if the bullpen comes through, Wood and Prior will give the Cubs a legitimate shot.

For the Red Sox, it's all about Pedro and pounding the ball. Although he had only 14 wins this year, Pedro Martinez still was the most consistently dominant starter in the American League, striking out 206 batters in 186 innings with an ERA of 2.22. But after Pedro, the rotation thins considerably. Enter the game's most lethal offense. The Sox led all of baseball in runs, average, RBI, doubles and total bases while ranking second behind the Rangers in home runs. This team can mash, but how the bullpen holds up and how the rotation responds behind Pedro represents the keys to their success.

Of course, this match-up features two teams that, combined, haven't won a championship in 180 years. The last title for the Cubs came in 1908 while the Red Sox, saddled with "The Curse of the Bambino," haven't won the Series since 1918.

I briefly spoke with the Bambino, Babe Ruth, this afternoon at his home in the Third Circle. When I asked him if he thought his curse had finally been lifted from the team that sold him to the Yankees for $100,000 in 1920, the Babe only offered this short response: "I'll never let those schmucks live down that mistake. Never." Ominous words indeed for the Red Sox.

As for the fallen Yankees, a source close to the negotiations said that, when owner George Steinbrenner sold his soul to the Prince of Darkness several years ago, the agreement only called for four World Series victories, which he achieved in 1996, '98, '99 and 2000. Said the source, "And not even all that money Steinbrenner's got can supersede the deal he made with the Devil."

Meanwhile, as Janice just reported, tomorrow's game between the Black Sox and the Hellions has been postponed. Hellions manager Ty Cobb says he expects the game to be made up as part of a day/day/day triple-header once the weather turns. And that's it for sports -- back to you, Ted.

Male Anchor: Thanks Lester. Coming up after the break on Channel 666 News, we'll have the surprising story about the Oscar buzz being generated by the new Jennifer Lopez romantic comedy, and we'll also have more bizarre details about that flock of flying pigs spotted over the First Circle last week. And of course, we'll continue to update the bitter cold front that's sweeping through Hell after these messages.

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