Phony sports headlines
08/14/2003
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This job can be tedious at times. Every day you read about the same basic sports stories:
*Idiot athlete gets into trouble with the law (see: Kobe Bryant).
*Idiot athlete demands more money from his team (see: Duce Staley).
*Idiot athlete bashes his former team after a trade or free-agent signing (see:
Raul Mondesi and Emmitt Smith).
*Idiot athlete says something stupid to a reporter (see: Jeremy Shockey).
*Idiot coach does something stupid to cost him his job (take your pick).
See what I mean? We're always hearing the same basic stories with different characters in slightly modified situations. Hmm, Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett may have done something to endanger his NCAA eligibility? Where have I heard that one before? Nets forward Kenyon Martin demanded to be traded? That sounds vaguely familiar. The Cincinnati Reds and Pittsburgh Pirates dismantled their underachieving teams? Rings a bell.
And yet, every week I try to deliver a thought-provoking, entertaining and creative column despite the obvious dearth of original material I have to work with. Couple that with the fact that every sports columnist for every sports publication is writing about the same sports stories and voicing the same sports opinions, and you can see how monotonous this job can sometimes be.
I crave some originality, some twists, some left-hand turns. Give me a story turned on its ear, some scoops that scream uniqueness. I'm not asking for much -- I'd be happy with the same basic plots if I'm also treated to one or two surprises along the way.
Wouldn't it be great to stumble across fresh headlines and innovative articles when you open up the sports page every morning? Instead of reading, "Purdue's Harris ineligible for senior season" when you log on to ESPN.com, wouldn't you rather be greeted by headlines and stories like these:
MICKELSON PUTT-PUTTS HIS WAY TO FIRST MAJOR WIN
Excerpt:
Phil Mickelson, who has failed to win a major championship on the PGA tour in 48 career tries, barely held off the stiff competition at the Lake Charles City Championship Sunday afternoon to secure his first major victory on the miniature golf circuit.
Unable to defeat the likes of Tiger Woods, Vijay Singh and Annika Sorenstam for a major title at the professional level, Mickelson instead shifted his focus to the putt-putt course and 12-year-old Jenny Sanders, last year's Lake Charles champion. And little Jenny put up quite a fight.
Mickelson held a comfortable 12-stroke lead as the competition shifted to the final round of the grueling six-round event. But playing alongside Sanders, the 11-year PGA veteran seemed to tighten up after he smacked his tee shot off the windmill on the troublesome second hole. He eventually tapped in for bogey seconds after Sanders drained her four-foot birdie putt.
The rest of the final round unfolded much the same way, with Mickelson making crucial mistakes at four, six, seven, 10, 12 and 13. His biggest blunder, though, came on the two-tiered #16. Clinging to a four-stroke lead, Mickelson mistakenly sent his tee shot down the left chute and found himself sitting on the wrong side of the creek that splits the hole. His next shot slipped off the bridge and into the water below. Two strokes later, Mickelson finally holed his double-bogey putt. Sanders now was just one stroke back.
But that's as close as the reigning champ would get to defending her title as Sanders found the water on the next hole and never recovered. "It feels great to finally stick it to all those critics who said I couldn't win a big tournament," said an elated Mickelson, who walked away from his victory with a 2004 family pass as well as free admission to next year's tournament.
FAN RUSHED OFF TO HOSPITAL AFTER RUSHING THE FIELD
Excerpt:
"I'm really not sure what he was thinking," said Brian Urlacher, the Chicago Bears linebacker who slammed the drunken fan to the turf. "If you want to rush the field, go to a White Sox game. Don't run onto Soldier Field in a Packers jersey, try to tackle my kicker and think I'm going to let you get away with that."
Doctors say the hospitalized fan will likely have to use a catheter for at least the next two years, perhaps longer. "Of course, that's a moot point if he doesn't come out of this coma," said a hospital spokeswoman.
REELING TIGERS NO-HIT... DURING BATTING PRACTICE
Excerpt:
"I don't know how to explain it," said BP pitcher Reggie Jensen. "By the end of the session I was lobbing the ball underhand and these guys still couldn't touch me. I mean, at one point I struck out Shane Halter four-straight times on 13 pitches."
RIDING HIGH: BLAZERS' BUS PACKED WITH POT AND PISTOLS
Excerpt:
State highway patrol officers found more than 200 pounds of marijuana and a slew of firearms when they stopped the Portland Trailblazers' team bus late last night.
Officers noticed the vehicle swerving in and out of traffic a few hours after Portland's loss to the Dallas Mavericks and decided to investigate. Once they pulled the bus over, the officers immediately grew suspicious when Portland guard Damon Stoudamire, who's been arrested several times on drug-related charges, met them at the door.
"We tried to look inside the windows to make sure everything was okay," recalled officer Frank Lewis, "but we couldn't see through all the smoke. Then when Mr. Stoudamire rushed to the door to meet us, we knew something was up."
An onsite search produced several large bags of marijuana, some assorted drug paraphernalia, about a dozen loaded handguns, and "a whole lot of Doritos and Yoo-Hoo."
Said a Blazers spokesman, "Um... none of it was ours."
REHABBING GIANTS CLOSER LOOKS TO DIVISION FOE FOR INSPIRATION
Excerpt:
San Francisco Giants reliever Robb Nen, who missed the entire 2003 season with a shoulder injury, hopes he can feed off of the success that Dodgers closer Eric Gagne has enjoyed the past two years by having his name legally changed to Robb Negne.
"I've been out of the spotlight for a year now," Nen said during a recent workout. "I'm kind of worried that people may have forgotten about me, so I decided I had to do something to boost my image a bit."
His name change isn't official until he finishes filing all the paperwork, but once that's done Nen believes he'll again be a fan favorite. "And if that doesn't work, I can always try those goofy goggles he wears."
TYSON VS. ALI?
Excerpt:
Unable to secure a fight with any legitimate heavyweight contender, former boxing champ Mike Tyson has reportedly challenged Laila Ali, daughter of the legendary Muhammad Ali, to a fight some time next year.
"Most of you will say that I'll do anything for a buck," said Tyson, who recently declared bankruptcy despite earning more than $300 million during the peak of his boxing career. "That's preplexilous. But I will do anything for a couple million bucks."
WELCOME BACK, CHARLIE HUSTLE: ROSE'S REINSTATEMENT COMES WITH PLENTY OF STRINGS ATTACHED
Excerpt:
It took 14 years, but Pete Rose is finally back where he belongs: on the baseball field.
Rumors cropped up all year regarding Rose's much anticipated reinstatement following a lifetime ban from the sport in 1989 due to gambling allegations. Yesterday, commissioner Bud Selig made it official, announcing that the ban against baseball's Hit King had been lifted and that Rose was immediately eligible for election into the Hall of Fame.
Of course, this reinstatement wasn't exactly painless for Rose, who agreed to publicly divulge the specifics that initially led to his ban. "I admit that I made some mistakes, mistakes that to this day I regret," said a relieved yet remorseful Rose at yesterday's press conference. "In order to be allowed back into baseball, Mr. Selig demanded that I finally come clean with you regarding all of my wrongdoings, so here goes. I bet on baseball and, more specifically, I bet on the Reds while I was the Cincinnati manager. But I only bet on them to win... unless Mario Soto was on the mound for us. Man, that guy must've won me a hundred large in '85 alone. ... Anyway, it's with great shame that I also admit that this whole QuestTec thingamajig was my idea, that I'm the one who fixed the 1919 World Series, not Shoeless Joe Jackson, and that it was my fault that the 2002 All-Star game ended in a tie. So stop giving Mr. Selig a hard time. Huh? Oh... right. And I put the cork in Sammy's bat without him knowing it."
***********
If only... .
Everybody knows that Mickelson's got a monkey the size of Roseanne Barr strapped to his back whenever he plays in a major, that the Tigers suck, and that the Portland Trailblazers' roster is loaded with young men who enjoy recreational drugs and the occasional firearm.
But my phony headlines add much-needed flavor to those bland stories.
Sadly, we won't see these headlines splashed across our sports pages anytime soon. Sure, Rose eventually will be reinstated (and don't think he won't be -- as oblivious as Bud Selig appears to be, he realizes that being known as the commissioner who graciously allowed Pete Rose back into the game would only enhance his lousy reputation), but that story won't be nearly as appealing as mine.
Oh well. A guy can dream, can't he?
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