The NBA Least, disappointment in Chi-Town and a whining strategy in St. Louis
01/21/2002
Codding Home / Sports Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
So when exactly did the Eastern Conference become the NBA's Steve Urkel? It's a complete joke. If the Western Conference is Chris Rock, the East is basketball's Carrot Top. If the West is filet mignon with a side of garlic mashed potatoes, the East is a couple of microwaved Oscar Mayer hot dogs and a handful of stale cheese popcorn. Don Corleone represents the power, respect and ultimate supremacy of the West; Fredo Corleone would be the East's pathetic mascot. The West: Seinfeld. The East: Facts of Life. Britney Spears and Cher. Mercedes and Kia. Playstation 2 and Pong.
In pure football terms, the St. Louis Rams are the Western Conference and the East is... well... everybody else.
It's true. Go ahead and rattle off the top five teams in basketball, the top five teams that you, if your team advanced to the NBA Finals, would not want to face... .
... Done? I bet your list started with, say, the Lakers and the Spurs, with probably the Kings, Minnesota and Dallas coming next, right? That's five teams, and all five reside in the Western Conference. Now sure, some may have also mentioned the Milwaukee Bucks and
maybe even the Nets, but I'm guessing most of you named at least four teams from the West.
Let's switch this around for a second -- now list the five worst teams in the league.
... If you didn't pick the Chicago Bulls first, give up sports entirely and just switch on over to the Lifetime channel for some quality time with Bea Arthur and the rest of the Golden Girls. Everyone else no doubt mentioned the Heat, Grizzlies, Warriors and Cavs, and some may have chosen the Hawks and the Knicks. Certainly this list is more evenly balanced between the two conferences, but I'd argue that the two sorriest franchises in the game -- the Bulls and the Cavs (trust me on that last one... the Cavs are horrendous) -- both reside in the East. The final three spots are a toss-up for me.
Of course, this all means that, much like last year, the 2002 NBA Finals won't be nearly as good a series as the Western Conference Finals will be. Who would you rather see battle for seven games: the Lakers and the Spurs, or the Lakers and the Celtics?
Exactly.
There obviously are plenty of numbers that flawlessly illustrate the East's inferiority this season:
- Eastern Conference teams are a combined 94-130 on the year against teams from the West.
- Surprisingly, Western Conference teams are 130-94 in games against East opponents.
- Five teams in the West (Minnesota, San Antonio, Sacramento, L.A. and Dallas) own winning percentages of .700 or better; no team in the East has won 70% of its games this year. In fact, only two teams have won even 60% of their games: the Nets (.692) and Bucks (.658).
- The top five teams in the West have gone 59-19 (.756) against East opponents; the top five teams in the East have gone 37-33 (.529) against the West.
- Even more telling, the bottom five teams in the West have gone 36-50 (.418) against East opponents; the bottom five teams in the East own a 21-49 (.300) record against the West.
- Finally, check out a few of these scores: Lakers 104, Bucks 85; Blazers 96, Cavs 64; Grizzlies 107, Bulls 85; Sonics 101, Raptors 75; Mavs 102, Magic 80; Warriors 117, Cavs 88; and finally, T-Wolves 127, Bulls 74.
Yep, pretty sad. Not only can the best of the West pummel the East's elite, but teams like the Warriors and Grizzlies have drubbed their cross-country basement dwellers this year as well. The enormous disparity in talent between the NBA's two conferences is painfully clear... .
It's like comparing sex with Alyssa Milano to a threesome with Rosie O'Donnell and Camryn Manheim. Yuck.
'Da losses keep piling up
It was supposed to be a fantastic day of sports in the Windy City this past weekend. At 12:30 ET Michael Jordan was returning to Chicago as a member of the Washington Wizards to play in front of the fans who watched him lead their team to six championships in the 1990s alongside Phil Jackson and Scottie Pippen. Four hours later, Brian Urlacher and the Chicago Bears were set to square off against the Philadelphia Eagles for a ticket to the NFC title game. It would be the first time since 1998 that Jordan had set foot on the United Center floor as a player, and the first time since 1994 that the Bears had played a postseason game. What a day to be a Chicago fan, huh?
Not really. It all started with the Bulls missing their first 13 shots of the game and hitting an embarrassing 16.7% of their field goal attempts in the first half, a franchise low. A second-half "surge" brought that number up to 24.7% before the game mercifully ended with the Bulls on the wrong side of a 77-69 score. Of course, Bulls fans already knew just how pathetic their team was. They came out on Saturday to see #23 put on a show.
But Jordan couldn't deliver, hitting only seven of his 21 shots for 16 points. Unfortunately I watched most of the game on NBC, hoping to catch "Highlight Reel" Jordan. Instead, I watched a reeling Jordan miss twice as many attempts as he made, all while committing a career-high nine turnovers. Sure, he had 12 rebounds, but those aren't the numbers we all wanted to see. Popeye Jones can pull down a dozen boards, for crying out loud. We wanted 50 or 60 points from MJ.
Oh well. The true high point of the day in Chicago was the Bears/Eagles game anyway. Forget this basketball garbage -- Chicago is and always will be a football town first and foremost.
But Urlacher, Anthony Thomas and the Bears didn't cooperate either. They were about as potent offensively as the Bulls were hours earlier at the United Center, with Thomas running for a total of 36 yards on 15 carries, numbers that looked like Canton material when compared to the stats Jim Miller and Shane Matthews put up behind center: a combined 11-22 for 89 yards, no touchdowns and three picks. As for their supposed strength on the defensive side of the ball, the Bears watched Philly QB and Chicago native Donovan McNabb compile nearly 300 yards of total offense and three touchdowns on his own, leading the Eagles to a convincing 33-19 victory at Soldier Field while sending Chicago fans home 0-2 on the day.
Despite these disappointments, though, there's no reason to feel sorry for yourselves, Chicagoans. Baseball's right around the corner, and the Cubs are bound to win a World Series one of these decades... .
Holt to Warner: "Give me back my binky!"
Is it me, or do the Rams receivers always hit the turf whenever a potential tackler steps up to pop them? How many times have you seen Torry Holt, Az Hakim or Isaac Bruce catch a pass in the middle of the field, turn their shoulders to run and instead dive forward for a few extra yards at the feet of two or three defenders? I'm not questioning their talent and I would never call the Rams a "finesse team" -- I wouldn't want Mike Martz coming after me -- but while Marshall Faulk, Kurt Warner and the impressive St. Louis defense all play with a certain level of toughness, Bruce, Holt and Hakim more often than not appear to be running around the field sucking on pacifiers instead of mouthpieces.
Of course, I suppose when you're scoring 40 or 50 points a game on your way to another ring, keeping your receivers healthy is more important than gaining a few extra yards after the catch.
QuickQuote:
"Uh... . You know, he hit me. I wasn't sure. Yeah, I was throwing the ball. How do you like that? Damn right. Damn right."
-- New England Patriots quarterback
Tom Brady on the
controversial incomplete pass call during the Pats'
16-13 playoff win over the Oakland Raiders on Saturday.