Nobody wants to be like this Mike
06/05/2002
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Hey, did you hear that Mike Tyson's going to fight Lennox Lewis this Saturday? And did you know that this Tyson fella is kind of whacko? Yeah, apparently he swears at press conferences, bites guys he doesn't like, makes obscene gestures, starts fights outside of the boxing ring, talks about eating kids and kicking them in the head, punches referees, and I guess he loves fornicating with beautiful women too.
Did you know all that?
Well of course you knew all that about Mike Tyson because Mike Tyson is all over the news. Fox, ESPN.com, Sports Illustrated, SportsCenter and now this site. People can't get enough of this psychopath with a lisp -- they want to read about him, they want to see him talk to the media, they want to watch his fights, they want to hear all the disturbing sound bytes.
Why?
To this day, I'm still amazed at the level of fascination we have for a guy who said he wanted to stomp on our children's testicles. A guy who spent three years in prison for allegedly raping Desiree Washington, a Miss Black America contestant, in 1991. A guy who gnawed on Evander Holyfield's ear. A guy who told a female reporter that she shouldn't talk anymore unless she wanted to have sex with him. Is it simply our rubbernecking tendencies, that part of us that just can't look away from the gruesome wreck on the side of the road or in the boxing ring? Probably, but that doesn't make it any more acceptable.
Please notice, by the way, that I said "we," because I, like so many of you out there, can't turn my attentions away from Tyson. I want to -- I mean, I really want to -- but I just can't. And I'm not alone.
How else can you explain Tyson's appearance on a Sports Illustrated cover a few weeks ago? They know we want to read about his convictions and his failed marriages and his collection of pigeons (seriously) and his quarrels with Don King. And they're right -- whether we like to admit it or not, we eat all that stuff up. And then we come back for a second helping.
But I, for one, am tired of it. Honestly, I don't really care about Tyson, and I'm not going to fork over the 55 pay-per-view bucks to watch the fight on Saturday.
Sure, I'll be at a wedding, but that's irrelevant.
Now I know you're thinking that I'm being a hypocrite, saying that I don't care about Tyson after admitting that I watch the interviews and read the articles. But I'm not lying -- I really don't care about Mike Tyson.
And neither do you.
It's the truth. Nobody, other than perhaps his therapist, could give a rat's ass about Tyson and his freakshow boxing career. We watch and read about all of it, though, because it's there. Because he's there. He's just like a lame joke: you may listen to your friend tell the joke, you may even chuckle a bit when he delivers the punch line, but an hour or two later you probably won't even remember the lead-in and if you tried telling it to someone else, you'd just screw it all up.
Because you don't care.
That lame joke carried no weight in your life, and in more ways than one Mike Tyson is a lame joke -- you'll listen, you'll laugh, you may shake your head, whatever. But a couple hours later, he'll quietly slip from your memory only to be recalled yet again after his latest public episode.
The rape conviction.
The Robin Givens divorce.
The Holyfield incident.
The assault conviction.
The nationwide search for a fighting venue.
The Tyson/Lewis press conference.
Just when we were ready to move on, he found a way to regain our interests, again and again. Some say Tyson isn't as crazy as we'd like to believe, that he instead understands this relationship we, the viewing public, have with our troubled sports celebrities -- Lawrence Taylor, Jose Canseco, Darryl Strawberry, Dexter Manley, Jim Brown, Dwight Gooden. We always come back for more, and yeah, I'm sure Tyson understands that and I'm sure he also knowingly exploits that connection to a certain degree.
But could it all honestly be phony? The swearing and the biting and the jail time and the temper and the inane quotes? I doubt it. Instead, I think too many people give this guy too much credit, dismissing much of his behavior as simply an act, a way to keep his name in the headlines and his matches a top draw.
Because of his own psychological and emotional problems, not to mention a healthy contribution from plain old dumb luck, Tyson keeps finding himself on magazine covers and on television, and we keep soaking it all in. But enough's enough.
I'm hoping the Tyson/Lewis fight finally ends this disturbing Iron Mike recycling process. Let's face it, the former champ turns 36 at the end of this month, meaning he doesn't have very many fights left on his scorecard. A humiliating loss this Saturday would hopefully push Tyson out of the spotlight once and for all, leaving us with more important things to worry about.
Like Bud Selig, "Celebrity Boxing" and the premiere of "The Bachelorette."
Okay, so we don't really care about that crap either, but you get the idea. Take Mike Tyson out of the equation and our fascination would also disappear. So come on, Lennox, knock those two gold teeth out of Iron Mike's mouth this weekend. Give him a beat-down that Buster Douglas would be proud of.
Help us help ourselves. We obviously can't do it on our own.
Oh, and by the way, Mike, if you happen to read this, I'm just joking. I didn't mean anything I just wrote. Please don't make me "feel your pain." Please.
In the Bullz-Eye
The LA Lakers. Everybody expects the Lakers to roll over the New Jersey Nets for their third-straight NBA championship, but don't think the Jason Kidd-led Nets will be easy prey for the defending champs. If the Lakers aren't careful, they could quickly find themselves in an early hole, a hole that could be tough to climb out of.