The (bad) name game
02/13/2002
Codding Home / Sports Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
Have you ever noticed how many corny, unfortunate or just plain hilarious names there are in the world of sports? We've grown accustomed to names like Ichiro, Shaquille, Tkachuk and Kobe over the years, to the point where these are now permanent entries in our own mental dictionaries. But there are still hundreds of names scattered throughout the NBA, NFL and MLB that automatically trigger fits of laughter or feelings of sympathy for the people cursed with these monikers.
I've dug up some of the absolute best (or worst) names you'll find stitched on the backs of football, baseball and basketball jerseys across the country. I didn't have the time nor the room to search the collegiate ranks, and with a treasure chest full of great names to choose from I decided to leave the NHL alone as well. I also chose only current sports figures, but I could try to tackle the history books in a future column -- the Iorg Brothers, Garth and Dane, were always favorites of mine.
Anyway, check out the incomplete list below -- I know there are literally dozens more I could've chosen, but it's not like I'm getting paid by the hour here, people! Nonetheless, if you feel like sharing your favorites, feel free to e-mail me at jcodding@bullz-eye.com.
Major League Baseball
Tim Spooneybarger, RP, Atlanta Braves
Spooneybarger? Sounds like a burger joint. "Hi, I'm Tim Spooneybarger, president and CEO of Spooneybarger's Burgers & Malts!"
Geoff Blum, 3B, Montreal Expos
Geoff Jenkins, OF, Milwaukee Brewers
I've always been fascinated with the name Geoff. I mean, Jeff's a fine name. Why ruin it all by spelling it this way?
Duane Espy, hitting coach, San Diego Padres
This guy's got a job with ESPN waiting for him whenever he walks away from baseball.
Johnny Estrada, C, Philadelphia Phillies
Since when did that loser from "CHiPs" start playing for the Phillies?
Juan Pierre, OF, Colorado Rockies
Juan Pierre... sounds pretty, doesn't it? Almost exotic. Must be from another country... . Yeah, well Pierre was born in exotic Mobile, Alabama.
Jamey Wright, SP, Milwaukee Brewers
Hey, anybody who spells "Jamey" this way -- which, incidentally, is the right way -- instantly catapults to the top of my list.
Torii Hunter, OF, Minnesota Twins
The name itself isn't so bad, but what's with the two I's? "Hi, my name's Torii -- no, that's with two I's, both dotted with cute little hearts." Great center fielder, terrible name.
Nardi Contreras, pitching coach, Chicago White Sox
Nardi? Go ahead, try to think of what this could be short for. Nardilliam? Nardimothy? Zanardi?
Dick Pole, ex-pitching coach, Cleveland Indians
Another pitching coach with an unfortunate name, every time Cleveland announcers
said "Dick Pole comes to the mound for a visit," I just had to laugh. Don't parents know that "Dick" is short for "Richard"? Either Mr. and Mrs. Pole were clueless... or they had a very twisted sense of humor.
Dick Such, pitching coach, Minnesota Twins
Just one "k" away from being the absolute funniest name ever. Hands down. As it stands, though, "Dick Such" is still pretty friggin' hilarious.
Geronimo Gil, C, Baltimore Orioles
"Geronimo" is such a powerful first name, representing valor and respect. You'd think Geronimo's last name would be equally as inspiring... . Nope. "Gil." What a letdown. Why not Augustus Jones or Mustafa Sissy?
Elmer Dessens, SP, Cincinnati Reds
As soon as Warner Brothers created that doofy cartoon character with a speech impediment, "Elmer" should have been stricken from every parent's "potential names" list for eternity.
Albert Pujols, 3B/OF, St. Louis Cardinals
I'm going to revert to third grade here for a second, but a year later I still think a name that's pronounced "Poo Holes" is pretty damn funny. Immature? Maybe. But definitely funny.
Jeremy Fikac, RP, San Diego Padres
I heard my cat say Jeremy's last name the other day when she tried to dislodge a hairball from her throat: "FIKAC!"
Josh Paul, C, Chicago White Sox
Jorge Julio, SP, Baltimore Orioles
You've got to love two-first-name names like "Josh Paul." But I had no idea other countries had two-first-name names too. Plus, "Jorge Julio" just sounds cool.
Augie Ojeda, IF, Chicago Cubs
You want original? Try the name "Augie."
Homer Bush, 2B, Toronto Blue Jays
I'm really not sure why, but the name "Homer Bush" always makes me laugh.
Frank Catalanotto, 2B, Texas Rangers
Placido Polanco, IF, St. Louis Cardinals
Hipolito Pichardo, RP, Houston Astros
Some names are just fun to say, even if they aren't fun to spell. "Catalanotto." "Placido Polanco." "Hipolito Pichardo." There are 41 letters in those five names, and by my count 37 of those are O's and A's.
NFL
Stalin Colinet, DT, Minnesota Vikings
Nothing like sharing your name with a 20th century Soviet dictator who took control of the Communist Party by methodically murdering the leaders of the Russian Revolution...
Hannibal Navies, LB, Carolina Panthers
... or a fictional convicted murderer who enjoys chowing on human organs, "with some Fava beans and a nice Chianti"...
Ebenezer Ekuban, DE, Dallas Cowboys
... or the most hated Christmas villain this side of Whoville.
Maa Tanuvasa, DE, San Diego Chargers
With only three letters, I'm pretty sure Tanuvasa's first name violates about a dozen spelling rules and at least a couple laws of physics.
Aric Morris, S, Tennessee Titans
Raise your hand if you know how to spell the name "Eric." ... not so fast, Mr. and Mrs. Morris.
Earthwind Moreland, CB, Cleveland Browns
Hmm, Moreland was born in 1977... . "Earthwind"? Sounds like someone's parents liked to get high and come up with whacked-out hippie names like "Earthwind," or they really
dug the band Earth, Wind & Fire. Twenty bucks says his middle name is either Andfire, Flowerpower or Hidethebongitsthecops.
Nate Hobgood-Chittic, DT, Kansas City Chiefs
What, "Hobgood" wasn't bad enough? You had to add a hyphen and "Chittic" to your last name?
Orlando Bobo, OG, Baltimore Ravens
Obafemi Ayanbadejo, RB, Baltimore Ravens
With Bobo and Ayanbadejo on their roster, the Ravens must be trying to set the NFL record for most names ending with a vowel.
Johndale Carty, S, Atlanta Falcons
Clifton Crosby, CB, Indianapolis Colts
I mentioned earlier the phenomenon of two-first-name names ("Josh Paul"), but Carty somehow manages to squeeze two first names into one with the classic "Johndale." Then there's Clifton Crosby, whose parents deprived him of even one first name.
Brad St. Louis, TE, Cincinnati Bengals
By itself, "Brad St. Louis" isn't a bad name, but it is false advertising -- St. Louis was actually born in Belton, MO., about 250 miles west of his namesake.
Josh Lovelady, OG, Detroit Lions
"Lovelady." Doesn't really seem like a name that strikes fear into the hearts of opposing defensive lineman, does it? What's his middle name, Cherryblossom?
Scott Dragos, TE, Chicago Bears
First, I find out the guy from "CHiPs" is the Phillies' backup catcher, and now I discover the vile Russian from "Rocky IV" plays tight end for the Chicago Bears? What's this world coming to?
Onomo Ojo, WR, New Orleans Saints
No, this isn't the chick responsible for breaking up the Beatles... that's Hideo Nomo.
T.J. Houshmandzadeh, WR, Cincinnati Bengals
How would you like to see 14 shirtless fat dudes at a Cincinnati game trying to spell out "Houshmandzadeh" on their bellies? Judging by that last name, I'm almost afraid to find out what "T.J." stands for.
Na Brown, WR, Philadelphia Eagles
Yo Murphy, WR, St. Louis Rams
Somehow, these two guys have to be related.
Josh Booty, QB, Cleveland Browns
Again, reverting back to elementary humor for a second, is there a worse name to have than "Booty"? Well, other than "Pujols"?
Central McClellion, CB, Kansas City Chiefs
Who the hell names their kid "Central"? Sounds like a high school in the Midwest somewhere -- "Let's hear it for your Central McClellion Blue Devils!"
Zebbie Lethridge, CB, Miami Dolphins
Please, please tell me "Zebbie" is a nickname.
Chidi Iwuoma, CB, Detroit Lions
Chidi Ahanotu, DE, St. Louis Rams
I'd never heard the name "Chidi" before, but judging by this discovery I have to believe it's a common name.
Bhawoh Jue, CB, Green Bay Packers
Is this that cute little rapper with the corn rows? You know, Lil' Bhawoh.
Foge Fazio, defensive coordinator, Cleveland Browns
There's really not much to say here -- the name pretty much makes fun of itself.
NBA
Cherokee Parks, F/C, San Antonio Spurs
After giving their newborn son a first name that symbolized strength, reverence and honor, imagine Mr. and Mrs. Parks' surprise when he grew up to be one of the NBA's all-time goofiest players.
Bimbo Coles, G, Cleveland Cavs
Surprisingly enough, "Bimbo" isn't Coles' real first name. So why doesn't he go by his birth name, you ask? Well, it's either Bimbo or Vernell -- you pick. Of course, Vernell could always use his middle name: Eufayes. Yikes.
Jahidi White, C, Washington Wizards
Every couple years, Georgetown gives us another center or two with a great name like "Jahidi."
Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje, C, Portland Trailblazers
See what I mean? Since graduating from Georgetown, Boumtje-Boumtje dropped one of his "Boumtjes," making him plain ol' Ruben Boumtje, but I'll always remember him as Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje. Comprende?
Antonis Fotsis, F, Memphis Grizzlies
"Antonis" may be the only word in the world that rhymes with "Fotsis."
Lawrence Funderburke, F, Sacramento Kings
"Funderburke" sounds like a generic sports car, doesn't it? "Get your hands on a sporty new Kia Funderburke for only $10,995, or $11,002 nicely equipped."
Mookie Blaylock, G, Golden State Warriors
Moochie Norris, G, Houston Rockets
I don't even want to know what Mookie's or Moochie's real first names are. These work just fine.
ZhiZhi Wang, C, Dallas Mavericks
Didn't this guy star in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" before suiting up for the Mavericks?
Joe Smith, F, Minnesota Timberwolves
How cool would it be to have a bulletproof alias as your real name? I wonder what Smith's nickname is anyway... John Doe?
Jud Buechler, G, Orlando Magic
Another name that, for whatever reason, always makes me smile.
Darvin Ham, F, Milwaukee Bucks
It's bad enough to have cured meat as your last name -- why did Ham's parents saddle him with the name "Darvin" too?
There you have it -- a visual graphic of what you'll want to avoid at all costs when trying to come up with a name for your next child.
Except for Earthwind, of course. I've got dibs on that one... .
In the Bullz-Eye
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. After getting shunned by Bill Parcells, the Raiders and Jon Gruden, Ralph Friedgen, Mike Bellotti and seemingly every other head coach candidate in the NFL and the CFL, the Bucs are actually considering bringing in former Buffalo Bills head coach Marv Levy as a stopgap for a year. The 76-year-old Hall of Fame coach reportedly is interested in the position, but how could the Buccaneers ever sell this decision to their fans, especially in the wake of the Tony Dungy firing?