Comedy in the boxing ring
01/30/2002
Codding Home / Sports Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
With Super Bowl XXXVI now upon us, I figured I'd better give some pointed, insightful analysis of Sunday's game between St. Louis and New England. So here it is:
The Rams are going to slaughter the Patriots.
What, you want more? Fine.
No matter who's behind center for New England, whether it's Tom Brady or Drew Bledsoe, the Rams are going to slaughter the Patriots.
Still want more? Then watch the pre-game coverage marathons on ESPN and Fox to get your fix, because I've gotta move on to something much more important.
The Tough Bowl.
Have you ever wondered where washed-up NFL veterans go when their football careers are over?
Well, besides prison.
I'm not talking about former superstars with spotless reputations. Guys like Phil Simms, Howie Long, Joe Montana, Ozzie Newsome, Marcus Allen and Dwight Clark have either moved into cushy front office positions, taken their first-hand experience into the broadcast booth, or simply slipped into quiet retirement.
But what about those players who flashed onto the greatness radar for just a few brief moments, guys who delivered two, three or even four Hall of Fame seasons before suddenly vanishing from the football field for good? Or what about guys who had remarkable careers but, because of off-field troubles, owned shoddy reputations that overshadowed their football exploits? Then of course there are those players who, by the numbers, never amounted to much on the field but thanks to one fluke play, they're forever immortalized in highlight reels and our own memories. Where do all these guys go when their playing days are over, when they've taken off the helmet and shoulder pads for the final time?
They wind up on the FX channel Friday nights for the Tough Bowl, of course.
Before I go any further, I first have to say that I have way too much material to work with here. I was lying in bed Friday night flipping through the channels when I saw Ickey Woods flash on the screen. I stopped, wondering what sorry product he was endorsing, and a minute later I was out in the living room setting up the VCR. This was a goldmine.
Let me set it all up for you:
- There are two teams, the Americans and the Nationals, both comprised of former NFL players.
- These players trade in their helmets for boxing gloves, believe it or not, and the winner of each match earns points for his respective team.
- There are four quarters of action in the Tough Bowl -- four fights in both the first and second quarters with each winner earning three points for his squad; in the third quarter the team captains pick one player from their rosters to go back into the ring with seven points going to the winner; and then in the fourth quarter the two captains duke it out for a whopping 14 points.
- Every player wears oversized boxing gloves and protective head gear.
- There actually were hundreds of people in the stands, believe it or not, and each player was introduced, complete with career highlights, by the ring announcer before heading down a walkway lined with half a dozen smiling cheerleaders to the center of the ring.
You can already tell, can't you? This is high comedy at its absolute best.
Matt Vasgersian was FX's play-by-play man, the American team's captain was former Cincinnati Bengals offensive tackle Anthony Munoz (I'm still trying to figure out what the hell he was doing there), the National team's captain was former Redskins defensive lineman Dexter Manley, and sitting next to Vasgersian serving, I guess, as the color commentator was former Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor.
Hmm, Manley and LT? So I'm assuming the Tough Bowl hasn't instituted randomized drug testing yet.
Before the festivities even began, FX brought us right into the center of the action by letting us hear each captain's pre-fight pep talk. Anthony Munoz, trying to bring some dignity to this absurd "athletic" event, had some class words for his squad: "We're a team, but each and every one of us has gotta take care of our own business. Every time we get into the ring the team'll be behind you, cheering you on, and the guy in the ring take care of it. And we'll step up the next guy and we'll take care of it." Not a bad little motivational speech from Munoz -- not exactly the most eloquent words I've ever heard, but it was Pulitzer-worthy when compared to what Manley had to say to his team:
"We have to really want this. I didn't train for this here, and I guarantee you this here -- I'm going to kick somebody's ass. That's a promise. And I ain't gonna let you down. I ain't gonna let you down."
Man, I'm watching this tape again and I'm practically in tears... .
The first match of the night saw former Bengals running back Ickey Woods squaring off against former Heisman winner and Detroit Lions running back Billy Sims. Ickey must've been one of the night's stars because FX ran a little bio piece on him before the fight, complete with an interview with the former Super Bowl back. Ickey delivered such classic lines as, "Back in the day, I used to get into a fight every week. I haven't had a fight in a while so I figured I could get a little frustration out in the Tough Man contest," and "I don't really think I've got anything to prove. Like I said, I know I'm a tough man," before demonstrating the infamous Ickey Shuffle for the cameras.
Then the two running backs stepped into the ring and went to work, Ickey Woods vs. Billy Sims, who was mistakenly called "one of the greatest running backs in football history" by the ring announcer during his introduction. That guy's got a great sense of humor.
The bell sounds, and these two fly out of their respective corners like two Tazmanian Devils, throwing wild punch after wild punch after wild punch. Uppercuts, roundhouses, jabs, haymakers... Ickey and Sims both unleashed their entire arsenal in a flash of uncoordinated ugliness, coming at each other like two off-target tornados of flailing fists.
This all lasted for 30 seconds. Ickey, sporting an "Ickster" tattoo on his right arm, was the main aggressor, throwing about 55 punches in those 30 seconds, with 14 coming before Sims could even uncork his first. But the former Oklahoma Sooner came back a bit, answering Ickey's flurry with about 40 punches of his own.
Of course, of those roughly 100 total punches in the first 30 seconds of the match, I'd say Sims and Woods squarely landed about 20. This eruption prompted another classic quote, this time coming from Vasgersian: "Ickey Woods looks like he's still chapped about the '88 Super Bowl."
That's freaking hilarious.
During the final 30 seconds of the first round, Ickey and Sims threw a grand total of 11 punches, connecting on three or four. Between rounds, an FX reporter tried to get a few words from Sims... and that's just what he got. This guy, now 45 years old, looked like he'd just crossed the finish line of the Boston Marathon, and when the reporter asked him what he thought was working for him in the first round, Sims just shook his head and said between pants, "keep throwing punches."
The second round was pretty tame, with the 275-pound Woods landing a couple of effective combinations that pinned Sims up against the ropes. Then 20 seconds into the third and final round, Ickey again had his opponent cornered and, after getting hit with about eight or 10 successive shots to the head, Sims told the referee that he didn't want to fight anymore. The Ickster had won the first match of the Tough Bowl.
To commemorate the occasion (and to add even more hilarity to this event), the former 1,000-yard rusher gave us what we all wanted: The Ickey Shuffle, right there in the middle of the ring.
This was about the time I accidentally woke up my wife with an uncontrollable fit of laughter. "Sorry," I whispered, "but this is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life."
I wasn't lying.
Unfortunately, I don't have enough time to give you a detailed rundown of every fight, but I can give you some highlights.
Leonard Smith vs. Rickey Sanders: Smith landed a couple solid punches, including a left hook that actually knocked the former Washington receiver to the mat. The true highlight, though, came when Smith lunged at Sanders, missed his punch and fell into the ropes. Twice.
Gary Reasons vs. Ross Browner: After a boring first round, Reasons charges at Browner like a pissed-off bull, knocking the former Cincinnati lineman into the corner with some unrefined uppercuts. Then in the third round, the former Giants linebacker sends Browner to the canvas with an absolutely devastating uppercut (no joke). Seconds later, a right to the jaw from Reasons ends the fight.
Christian Okoye vs. James Wilder: I'd make fun of Okoye, but this guy is a monster. Seriously. He may be the only guy in the entire contest who's still in shape. In fact, he looks bigger now than he was in his playing days. And in the end, the Nigerian Nightmare pulled out the win by decision.
For the third-quarter match, which featured two fighters selected by the team captains, things got even more interesting. Munoz chose the Ickster to represent the Americans, but things weren't as easy for Manley and the Nationals. All five of his fighters were unable to go in the third quarter: Rickey Jackson, Jimmie Giles and William "The Refrigerator" Perry (whose fight was not broadcast, damnit) were all simply too tired to fight again -- Vasgersian said the Fridge could "barely put his pants on after the first fight" -- Gary Reasons had ringing in his ear and, get this, Eugene Lockhart actually had blood in his urine.
Tough Man indeed.
It looked like the Nationals were going to have to forfeit the third-quarter fight. Then, in a move that would make Vince McMahon proud, Lawrence Taylor discarded his headset and volunteered to represent the National Team. "It took this unusual set of circumstances... to finally get LT into the ring," Vasgersian announced. "This is something the people have been waiting for, for a couple of years who watch Tough Man on a regular basis."
People watch this crap on a regular basis? And they've been doing it for a couple of years? It's time to find a hobby, gentlemen.
I don't know what the hell everyone was waiting for. Ickey gave LT all he could handle in the first round, almost knocking down the Hall of Fame linebacker with a right to the face. He was out of shape and in trouble throughout most of the uneventful fight, but thanks to a solid final round, LT edged Woods with a victory by decision.
Finally, the two captains met in the fourth quarter. Munoz vs. Manley. Offensive lineman vs. defensive lineman. Unfortunately, the only thing really worth mentioning about this fight was Manley's pre-match quote: "I have a lot of respect for Munoz, I'm sure he's a worthy opponent. But I promise you, as sure as I'm a Negro sitting here, he's going down in two."
I swear, that's what he said -- I wouldn't have the balls to make up something like that. In fact, I had to listen to the tape about 10 times just to make sure I heard him correctly. "But I promise you, as sure as I'm a Negro sitting here, he's going down in two." Who the hell says something like that?
The captain of a Tough Bowl team, I suppose.
Munoz didn't go down in two, though. In fact, Munoz didn't go down at all. Manley nearly fell out of the ring twice in the second and third rounds when this fight turned into a wrestling match, with each guy pushing the other one into the ropes. In the end, a split decision gave the match to Munoz. Nice guarantee, Dexter.
You know, I always wondered what happened to guys like Ickey Woods, Dexter Manley and Christian Okoye. Now I know: They became Tough Men.
Who won the match, you ask? Well, the final score, thanks to Anthony Munoz and his fourth-quarter victory, had the American Team on top 23-22. But we all know who the real winner was in this whole thing.
Yep, anybody who got to see this comedic performance by all these washed-up NFL retirees.
Don't fret, though. If you missed this performance, Tough Bowl II, featuring Errict Rhett, Jarrod Bunch, Bubba Baker, Joe Klecko, Randy White and Greg Townsend along with most of the Tough Bowl I competitors, will be on FX this Friday, February 1 at 10 pm. As Matt Vasgersian said in the promo, "The greatest names in pro football history take off the pads, lace up the gloves and step right into the Tough Man ring."
Get that VCR ready.
In the Bullz-Eye
The L.A. Lakers. Shaq & Co. haven't been playing well of late, dropping six of their past 10 games, including embarrassing losses to the Clippers, Nuggets, Heat and Bulls. On the season, the Lakers stand at 30-12, an impressive record undoubtedly, but in the fierce West, a record that leaves them 2.5 games behind the Kings and only a precious few games ahead the Mavs, T-Wolves and Spurs. Of course, we haven't even hit the All-Star break yet, but with so many teams playing exceptional basketball in their conference, the Lakers can't afford to slump for long.