Hey, Pinocchio, it's Opening Day!
03/28/2001
Codding Home / Sports Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
Betcha didn't know that Monday, April 2 is a national holiday. Yep, and I bet your boss didn't even tell you about it. He's always been a little shady, hasn't he? Remember when your leftover pizza was heisted from the company fridge a few months ago... ?
Anyway, I'm here to protect you from a wasted day of work. How embarrassing would it be to come into the office on Monday only to find out you didn't have to be there? You wouldn't want to struggle through another miserable morning filled with stale coffee, stale donuts and stalled rush hour traffic if you didn't have to, would you? Of course not, but that's exactly what would happen if you failed to take advantage of this glorious holiday.
No, April 2 is not some famous dead guy's birthday, and no, you don't have to worry about buying your girlfriend or your wife (or both) a frilly gift. You won't have to cook a huge turkey dinner or hide a dozen hardboiled eggs around your house on April 2, either. All you've got to do this coming Monday is sit on your ass with the remote in one hand and your favorite snack in the other.
And watch baseball. All day.
Of course, you could do all that other stuff too if you wanted, but as a baseball fan the only thing you're required to do is watch as many games as possible this Monday because it's Opening Day, and there are very few things that take precedence over Opening Day -- work not being one of them.
Now, technically the Rangers and Blue Jays kick the season off on Sunday, and I'm sure most of you will find some time to check out that game (4:00 pm ET on ESPN). But there are 10 total games on Monday and only one of those starts after 4:10 ET, meaning a full day of work would severely limit your baseball watching duties. ESPN and ESPN2 alone will broadcast five games throughout the day, and then chances are you'll also be able to catch your hometown team's opener on local TV, assuming they're playing.
So you could watch as many as six baseball games this Monday in your ragged sweatpants and T-shirt... or you could spend another day in your rigid shirt-and-tie, sitting through the same pointless meetings and talking to your brain-dead co-workers about the past weekend's crummy weather. Your call.
If you responsibly choose to ditch work for baseball, you'll need to think of a gem of an excuse to be out of the office on Monday. Calling in sick is the easiest way to go, but I know you've got a little more style than that. In high school, a buddy of mine cut class one year to catch the Indians' season opener, unable to ignore his obligations as a baseball freak. But the golden touch came from his mother, who called the school that morning saying he wouldn't be in that day because he had a case of the "Wahoo Flu." That's classic.
Whichever route you choose, though, you've got to be careful. Unless you plan on taking an extended leave from work, you need to make sure your ailment is of the one-day variety. It'll look a little fishy if you call off work on Monday because you broke your ankle, then on Tuesday you're playing in your company's weekly softball game, securing the victory with a thrilling inside-the-park homerun. And don't tell your boss on Friday that you think you're going to be out Monday with a cold. He'll make you come in Sunday too, and then you'll miss out on all the games. Bad move.
Be original. Call in Monday morning and tell your boss you caught the flu while shoveling your elderly neighbor's 200-foot long driveway Sunday morning -- of course, that only works if Mother Nature cooperates.
"My wife went into labor" is a keeper, but there are a few things potentially wrong with this one. First, you'll look like an insensitive meathead if you show up to work the very next day, theoretically leaving your recovering wife alone either in the hospital or at home. The old "false alarm" routine provides a quick escape route, but sooner or later your wife's going to have to actually give birth, at least in your co-workers' eyes. Then of course, it'll be a little difficult explaining to your boss why you've never even mentioned the pregnancy. "I just found out myself" may seem like the quick fix, but what kind of picture does that paint of your home life? All the proper variables have to be in place for the "labor" card to work.
And no matter how good it may sound to you Sunday night, don't call in Monday morning saying you threw your back out having sex. Sure, it may actually resemble a legitimate excuse, but your boss knows if that's what had happened you'd make up something else to save yourself the embarrassment. If you had actually thrown your back out in the sack, you would have told your boss you hurt yourself lifting weights or moving furniture or playing football. If you give him "I threw my back out having sex," he'll instantly know you're lying. Especially if you tend to look like Woody Allen strung out on crack.
Then there are always the standard explanations: "My car's in the shop," "My wife's home sick," "My kid's home sick" and "I'm snowed in." But if you don't own a car, you're single with no kids and you live in Florida, those four just won't fly. In that case, it may be time for a professional move: Since the games don't start until early afternoon, you could actually come into the office Monday morning, making sure your boss sees just how "run down" you look. Then, around 10:00 a.m. make it well known you're not feeling well and that you haven't felt well all weekend, but you're going to try to gut it out till the end of the day for the good of the company. Then when noon finally rolls around, drag your haggard ass into your boss's office and tell him you just can't make it and that you're afraid of getting everyone else in the building sick. That way you get the points with your boss for at least making the effort, and assuming you're a masterful actor, everyone in the office can actually see how miserable you feel. Then you're home free, just in time to see the first pitch.
Pull out all the stops. Tell your boss you've got a lunch date with Jennifer Lopez that you can't break. Tell him you got food poisoning during dinner with Alyssa Milano Saturday night. Hell, tell him you just want to watch baseball all afternoon and there's no way you're coming in. He may show up with a case of beer and some Doritos later that day. Remember, it's Opening Day and as a baseball fan, it's your civic duty to watch as much baseball as possible this coming Monday. If it's not actually a national holiday, it should be in your house.
But if you're working on some major project at work and everyone in the office is counting on you to come through and you've got a deadline coming up and your boss is expecting you to work 18 hours a day until it's finished and your family's livelihood is dependent upon you completing this project, I can't very well suggest simply ditching work for the day just to watch a few silly baseball games.
At least make sure you've got someone to cover for you first.
In the Bullz-Eye
Miami Heat center Alonzo Mourning. Certainly, Mourning's return from a possible career-threatening kidney ailment is inspiring to anyone who follows the NBA, and theoretically his presence in the Miami lineup should really boost the Heat's Finals hopes, if he can return to form by the time the playoffs roll around. But Zo has to be worried about two things, the first and foremost being his health. I really hope his extremely competitive nature isn't forcing Zo to rush back maybe a little sooner than he should -- it's hard not to think of Boston's Reggie Lewis, who died on the court in 1993 after doctors cleared him to play despite the presence of a heart arrhythmia, when analyzing Mourning's current situation. But even if we assume his health will remain constant, every Miami fan and player has to be worried about what kind of effect Zo's addition
this late in the season is going to have on a focused and competitive Heat team.