A sports fan's birthday wish list
02/06/2001
Codding Home / Sports Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
Remember when you were young and you got so excited when your birthday finally rolled around? In the weeks leading up to the big day, all you could think about were your presents and your upcoming party. Hey, don't be ashamed -- you were only a kid! But then you had that huge cake laid out in front of you with all the decorations, the frosting and the candles, and you were told to make a wish. You'd close your eyes, think for a second, wish real hard and blow out all the candles. Then for weeks you kept waiting for your precious birthday wish to come true, and no matter how disappointed you were every year when that wish didn't materialize, you'd blow out those candles again on your next birthday just a little harder, with a little more authority, hoping that this wish would be the one that came true.
Now you're grown up... well, at least you've gotten older and you're supposed to be grown up. And there aren't any more ice cream parties with your friends or Pin-the-Tail-on-the-Donkey games on your birthday. Now, you don't even have time to make a birthday wish because the intense heat coming from the rows and rows of candles on your cake singes your eyebrows when you wait too long to blow them out. Take the time to think about a birthday wish now and your smoke alarm starts screaming and the local fire department plows through your front door to control the raging inferno known as your birthday cake.
Well my birthday's fast approaching and it's time to revive the birthday wish tradition. But I'm not going to wish for a new baseball mitt, a case full of Matchbox cars or a new bike. No, I've got more important things on my list now. In fact, I'm not even going to stop at just one wish either. Hey, if I bombard the Birthday Gods with hundreds of ideas, then one or two are bound to come true, right?
So first, can I at least see one of my teams win a championship for my birthday? Soon? I don't care if it's the Indians, the Browns or the Cavs. It would just be nice to see a Cleveland team hoisting a trophy over their heads on the last day of the season. Oh, and put Sandy Alomar back in Cleveland and make sure Robbie Alomar, Omar Vizquel, Jim Thome and Bartolo Colon retire with the Indians. And could we finally have the kind of starting pitching John Hart has been promising us for years? Or at least throw Pedro Martinez back into the National League. On the football field, don't ever let Tim Couch get hurt again and also make Butch Davis the best young coach in the NFL. While you're at it, give Chris Palmer another head-coaching opportunity somewhere soon. As for the Cavs, bring Shawn Kemp back. So we can release him. And a new pair of feet for Zydrunas Ilgauskas would be nice. Make them steel plated and give them a lifetime warranty. And that thing I said about Robbie, Omar, Thome and Bartolo? Well, make sure Andre Miller retires in a Cleveland uniform too.
And please, stop this nonsense called the XFL before it gets out of hand. Just go ahead and make Vince McMahon go bankrupt so we never have to live through any more of his idiotic schemes. On second thought, make him return one punt in an XFL game without a helmet or pads. And I know everyone loves the cheerleaders, but they've got to go because if they hang around, then so will the XFL and I just can't have that on my birthday. Just ax the whole idea.
Speaking of football, make that foolish jury find Rae Carruth guilty of first-degree murder, then never allow any of those jury members to make another important decision in their lives. They obviously can't handle the pressure. Also, could someone finally find the "real killer" so O.J. can have his rest. In a jail cell. Make "being a complete moron" a felony so Mark Chmura also serves some time. Oh, and keep him off the football field. And if you could, all-powerful Birthday Gods, throw Lawrence Phillips on an uncharted island somewhere and keep him there forever. Don't forget to give the 49ers the cap room necessary to allow Jerry Rice to retire in San Francisco, but please make him quit after this season. I would also greatly appreciate if you could find a way to eliminate the flag-football game known as the NFL Pro Bowl. Just make it simply disappear, right along with Dennis Miller in the Monday Night Football booth. And please, make sure Derrick Thomas, Walter Payton and Eric Turner are all safe and comfortable.
While you're at it, please do the same for Bobby Phills. And man, if you have the time, please, please, please find a way to end this stupid Kobe/Shaq debate. I hate the Knicks so just wipe that franchise off the board, and make Latrell Sprewell a hairdresser and Jeff Van Gundy a boxing referee. Also find a way to make Jason Kidd a better man, but please don't let him be a hero just because he's admitted he has a problem. And don't let two-year-old T.J. Kidd imitate his father when he grows up. It would be nice to see Alonzo Mourning back in the middle for Miami next year but please, no more sissy-slap fights for him and Larry Johnson. Oh, and make every NBA fan and player finally realize that there will never again be a Michael Jordan. Or a Magic Johnson. And while we're on the subject, keep your eye on Magic and his health... just don't give him his own talk show again. Actually, never put him in front of a microphone because his days as an NBA announcer were too painful.
Thanks for keeping Tony Gwynn in San Diego but just make sure Cal Ripken stays in Baltimore. I wouldn't mind if you sewed Carl Everett's mouth completely shut and gave George Steinbrenner a swift quick in the nuts just for fun. Speaking of the Stankees, don't let them win another World Series this year. Anyone but New York. Oh, and I'd rather repeatedly hit myself in the face with an aluminum bat than sit through another Subway Series, so please do your best to prevent that from happening again. And find some room on Lawrence Phillips' deserted island for Darryl Strawberry and never, ever allow him to play baseball again, no matter how "reformed" he claims to be. Keep Wrigley Field and Fenway Park intact for eternity, but please tear down the Metrodome already. Any stadium that has a giant-sized garbage bag hanging in right field deserves to be destroyed. By the way, thanks for making Kirby Puckett a first-ballot Hall-of-Famer and for keeping Don Mattingly out, but please give Gary Carter his plaque already. Oh, and finally putting Pete Rose and Shoeless Joe into Cooperstown would be great. And you know all that money that the Rangers and Red Sox threw at Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez this offseason? Well is there any way you could turn that into Monopoly money? Or at least quietly knock a few of those zeros off every paycheck. And one more thing -- thanks for leading Ted Williams down the road to recovery. Keep it up.
Now I now that's already a lot to ask for, Birthday Gods, but I've got just a few more. This one may be out of the blue, but take music groups like 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys into an alley and beat the living crap out of them. Throw Mike Tyson on that island with Phillips and Strawberry. Then drop a bomb on the whole thing. Kind of brutal, sure, but the world would be a better place without those three bums. Please keep Bobby Knight out of basketball for good. In fact, when you drop that bomb on Lawrence Phillips' island, just strap Bobby Knight to it for good measure. Or let Mike Tyson strangle him for a few months. Either one works for me. As for Mario Lemieux, whatever the hell you did to once again make him a dominant player after several years of retirement, do it to me too. And don't ever let Tiger Woods dye his hair blond again. The guy has maybe the most recognized face in the world right now. Does he really have to change his hair color to attract even more attention to himself? Finally, let Oklahoma State's basketball team put their recent tragedy behind them and win the NCAA Tournament this season. I know that's a stretch, but what other college team deserves that glory more so than the Cowboys?
I guess that's about it. There were a few more things I could have wished for on my birthday, but this list is probably long enough. Besides, a fire truck just pulled up in front of my apartment and now my eyebrows are completely torched.
In the Bullz-Eye
The XFL. While the startup football league certainly garnered a hefty chunk of national television attention during its inaugural weekend, fans weren't all that impressed. In fact, several Internet polls indicate that most people who tuned in to last Saturday's and Sunday's games do not plan on checking out another game this weekend. Vince McMahon better figure out how to attract the true football fans soon or he'll have to watch his latest project collapse.