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Psst. Don’t tell anyone, but Yuns is looking for a major deal. OK, so that’s not
really a secret, and anyone who visits his website (at
www.yunsmuzik.com) will be able to
read that info. Not only that, but apparently “Yuns should be opening up for
acts like The Roots, Black Eyed Peas or even Dave Matthews. Not since the early
days of Nirvana, has Seattle seen an artist with the charisma, poise, and star
quality of Yuns.” Ha ha, yeah. I wonder if Yuns himself wrote that or actually
paid someone else to come up with it because a) it obviously isn’t believable
once you listen to this rotten CD, and b) no one in their right mind at the
majors is gonna sign this clean cut white boy.
Yuns looks like a reject from either O-Town or Kids Incorporated, now all grown
up. A fly, well trimmed razor thin beard/goatee combo accentuates his face (but
not in the positive) as he sports a hat on the cover of the CD booklet that
looks like it was purchased at Pier One. I couldn’t tell if he was a little bit
country or a whole lot wannabe. It’s hard to tell with these kids these days.
Anyway, the real kicker is the back cover photo, which finds Yuns sans hat, his
hands folded in prayer as he looks at the camera in a Glamour Shots-type pose
with those begging eyes as if to say, “Please, please, please, mister. Listen to
my music and think it’s not too white.”
Oh, but it is, it is. It’s not even kinda off-white like Vanilla Ice back in the
day, but just a plain, generic Kmart kinda white that points to a big sign
emblazoned with the words PAY NO ATTENTION. But I suppose he had to place his
bets on the whole look, because the music, or whatever it is on here, is so
bland and stifling it’s as if someone was forcing you to the musical equivalent
of constipation. Number one, most of the tracks here feature the same slow,
loping, E-Z Listening beat coupled with a minor variation on a few acoustic
guitar loops. It’s hip-hop lite that not even the Veggie Tales crowd would find
remotely engaging.
“Uh huh. This is a story. A true story….about my first real love …she was uh, so
good to me…there for me, for everything...”
So goes the opening bit of “Hip Hop
Love Song.” Sure, that’s bad enough, but hearing Yuns try to cram more words
into the meter than will fit is absolutely hilarious. Listen to him stumble
through the lyric sprints of “I studied everything about you, gotadegreeinhowtoloveyou, countlessnightswespentaloneeducatin’myself how to
touch you.” Ooh yeah, that’s pretty damn sexy. If you’re deaf.
Yuns sings about struggling a lot on this disc. The subject fills the lame
lyrics of “Radio”, the dragging “Take Me Away” (complete with cheeseball
scratching and some chick named Chosen), and the near-comatose “Hold My Head
High.” With music and rhymes as limp and elementary as the ones packed into this
album, I’m not surprised at all that the man has struggled. I just don’t know
what’s more offensive, his whole package or the fact that he so desperately
wants to be taken seriously as some kinda genuine b-boy. Christ, he even tosses
in some ripped off Ebonics to cap it all off. Not even The Joker would take this
guy in as an easily dispatched henchman.
Fact of the matter is, you’re probably never going to hear or purposely listen
to this guy, unless of course you visit his website or are sent this disc and
are actually curious enough to waste an over an hour with him. Yes, that’s
right. Yuns has pushed the punishment envelope by thinking we all want to hear
more than 30 seconds of his work by dishing out whole 1:02:52’s worth of
bleached out trauma and love. My advice is to just forget about Yuns as soon as
you’ve read this review. Trust me, it’s not going to be difficult.
~Jason Thompson
jthompson@bullz-eye.com
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