CD Review of Now That’s What I Call Music!! Vol. 22 by Various Artists

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Various Artists: Now That’s What I Call Music! Vol. 22 Label: Sony/BMG Released: 2006

Well, here it is. The album that topped the US charts at #1! NOW, you’ve done it again! You’ve got your finger locked onto America’s musical pulse and know what a hit album is all about. You’re topping the charts way more than your forbearers K-Tel ever did, and you’re not ashamed to gloat about your vapid product, often charging way too much for it on special TV ads, throwing in a cheesy 25-cent CD case or some other shit to make us all truly feel like the music fans we are. Fuck the old fogies over 25! They’re not buying CD’s anymore! Let’s cater to the lowest common denominator and crap out the hits of the day twice a year and totally rule the world!

What is beyond comprehension, however, is why anyone buys these discs when they could just as easily download all these songs for free and burn them to their own blank CD. Ah, wait. I forget you big ol’ record companies have put the scare into us by fining our asses and threatening other legalities against us all if we don’t buy your poop. You still can’t take it that CD sales are in a constant decline while legit mp3 purchases are going up. No, no, let’s stick with the old regime and plaster FBI warning notices on all the discs, telling everyone they’re up shit creek if they decide to share their music with their siblings or parents or best friends. Hell, we gotta make all the money we can on these NOW discs! Burn the witches who dare not buy this at $18.98 in the mall, and certainly execute the one who does and then decides to make a few copies. After all, this is important music we’re discussing here.

Don’t believe it? How could you disagree that Bubba Sparxxx’s “Ms. New Booty” isn’t worthy of your hard earned dollars? Please give Ashley Parker Angel a few cents for his “Let U Go,” lest we all forget about his sorry ass now that he’s crapped out his own disc. Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day” needs to be compiled and bought again, because God knows no one got sick of that one already. If that’s not proof enough that your money is needed, then perhaps the inclusion of Nickelback’s “Savin’ Me” and Keith Urban’s “Tonight I Wanna Cry” will make your wallets a bit lighter. For the hip crowd who doesn’t usually buy these things, there’s even KT Tunstall’s “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree.” Now come on! That’s gotta be worth something.

You could even toss Nick Lachey a couple coins for allowing the ever-popular “What’s Left of Me” onto this disc. And if you don’t like that, perhaps the hits of Sean Paul (“Temperature”), T-Pain (“I’m N Luv”) and Three 6 Mafia (“Poppin’ My Collar”) will get you to fork over those bills. You say you’ve never heard of some of these artists? Well that’s because you’re too old, man! Go listen to your Beatles and Stones and all that dinosaur rock and let the kids of the NOW generation groove, because they’re gonna take over the world! Just wait and see. The whole “TRL” generation is gonna bring down the hammer, baby!

Act now and you’ll also receive the comfort of knowing you shelled out for total product that you’ll be getting rid of in a month’s time, be it by trying to get rid of at a used CD store, selling it online, or just tossing it out the window. After all, it’s only money! There’s plenty to be made or leeched from the parental units. And before you know it, NOW 23 will be released and the cycle can begin anew. It’s the greatest thing since cigarettes!

Seriously, though. One star for Kelly Clarkson, who’s the only one worth listening to on this detritus.