CD Review of The Charm by Bubba Sparxxx

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The Charm
half starno starno starno starno star Label: Virgin
Released: 2006
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Why the hell is Bubba Sparxxx famous? Better yet, why does he have any semblance of a career? It must be because he fulfills that need suburban white kids have for a rapper that can make them feel dangerous, yet not so much that they’d actually have to prove they live dangerous lives. Someone who allows them to dump their Budweisers into their shiny front lawns in tribute to that lost girlfriend or some other wack shit. This can be the only reason. Otherwise, Sparxxx (and how many multiples of the letter X do you need in your name) isn’t interesting at all. It’s more of the same old bragging rights bullshit in the lyrics and tough times overcome, and none of it rings true.

But hey, Bubba wants y’all to “Represent,” as per the first song here. “I’m too mothafuckin’ riled to be all / Word if these brahs is fuckin’ with me y’all / Can suck my right and left nut with the same slurp” rhymes Sparxxx, kicking things off on a yawnsville note. Then the bizzo voice cuts in at the choruses, saying “It’s your turn,” “Do your thang,” and “Stop playin’!” as Bubba reminds us all that “You’re s’posed to represent!” All this while gettin’ those nuts slurped. Mm-hmm!

“Bootybootybootybootyrockin’ everywhere!” screams Bubba at the beginning of “Ms. New Booty.” The song quickly slides into a dumb groove that would sound great on K-Fed’s album. Or how about the even dumber musical bullshit that backs up the limp “Heat It Up”? A flute loop that would make little wood nymphs happy everywhere pukes away in the background as Sparxxx lets you know that “I’m light years ahead / Have a lite beer instead.” Yep, it’s that intelligent.

He then gets retro with rapid fire annoying raps that no one’s been dropping for years on “The Otherside.” Synth-plucked violin strings wander in from some leftover Britney Spears shit and Bubba spews off some kind of self-important crap that he thinks we actually want to listen to. In the meantime, the kiddies in their Volkswagens blast the song from behind the rolled up windows and nod their heads in the know.

But the best moments are undoubtedly the back-to-back nausea that is “Ain’t Life Grand” (featuring Scar) and “Run Away” (featuring Frankie J). The former finds Scar singing the title at the choruses, since Sparxxx has the sort of voice that can’t carry a tune, let alone anyone’s attention. “Folks hate it when you’re ballin’ / They’d rather see you fallin’” Scar sings. Gee, you must be psychic! This disc would sound absolutely amazing falling into the toilet. But wait! “Run Away” is the track all the chicks won’t mind hearing. It’s a slow jam and shows that Sparxxx can be smooth and sensitive, too. He also can’t write worth a shit, as he drops the nonexistent word “irregardless.” That and such absolutely stupid thymes as “I don’t need this, I only need us / C’mon girl let’s put it in the wind / I don’t care none ‘bout no one / If they loved us, they shoulda did it when.” In the back, Frankie J moans out a wordless and painful wail. Maybe he couldn’t stand listening to this, either.

The rest of the album spins out in a determined half-assed fashion. There’s no excuse for rap albums this lame and lousy to be backed by any sort of major label. Bubba Sparxxx has zip on the charm and talent scale, and why anyone’s forking over big bucks to him to make third-rate turds like this is anyone’s guess. Save your money and your taste. Oh, and trying to put special software on this promo CD to hear the tracks was pointless, EMI, as the damn thing played perfectly in Windows Media Player regardless. You should be paying us critics to listen to this junk rather than trying to keep us from copying it, as it’s not even worthy of being heard.

~Jason Thompson